Facing My Demons

Learning to manage my addiction, bipolar disorder, P.T.S.D., and fifteen years of incarceration has been an incredibly arduous process that nearly cost me my life, but in the end it has brought me the qualities of resilience, empathy, and an overwhelming desire to help others. Spending nearly fifteen years in the Arizona Department of Corrections was traumatic, demoralizing, and incredibly difficult. I was a 35- year-old gay man who had already experienced a great deal of abuse, trauma, and grief when I first went to prison for committing note-passing bank robberies to support my addiction.

I had lost my career, relationship, and home due to my addiction, and became willing to do anything to support my addiction to painkillers, cocaine, and alcohol. Coming from an abusive home, growing up gay, and surviving the AIDS epidemic which killed my first partner (and many of my friends) had left me bitter, angry, and full of grief. My family, peers, and community marginalized me because of my sexual orientation, leaving me feeling like an outsider who was unworthy of having a good life. The day that I attended my partner’s funeral, there were people outside of the cemetery holding signs which screamed, "God Hates Fags.” This is just a snapshot of the bullying, marginalization, and overt abuse that I have experienced since my early childhood.

I turned to alcohol in my early teens to escape my feelings of isolation and disconnection, and it worked. The basic facts are that I lost hope at some point in my life and became lost in my addiction for decades. For many years, I put on a mask as I showed up to work and had minor successes as a sales manager. At one point in my life, I ran a small custom furniture factory, and had all the things in life which are supposed to make one happy. When I lost everything through my addiction, I committed my crimes and wanted to end my life. I took 60 Xanax but was found and revived. When I went to prison for my crimes, I was victimized further as a gay inmate. Rapes, beatings, and extortion were par for the course during my 15 years of incarceration, compounded by the total disregard of the prison officials to my plight. Upon my last release, I finally received the treatment and intensive therapy that I desperately needed to begin my healing process. I learned to forgive myself and others for wrongs real and imagined. I learned to take positive actions despite my negative self-talk. I learned to rely on God and to help others as I am able. I learned to love again and to be part of the larger community. Most of all, I took responsibility for my actions, became willing to change, and began to make amends to others and myself for the great harm that I had caused.

Today I am a freshman at MiraCosta College at the age of 52, with a stated major in Human Development. I attend 12 step meetings, church, and therapy. My bipolar symptoms are well managed with medication and therapy. I am vigilant in my recovery, have a strong drive to succeed, and feel a deep sense of purpose.

Lastly, I was released from prison at the height of COVID to the news that my mother had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Overcoming my self-destructive behaviors allows me to continue my educational journey and give my mother peace in her final year or two of life. Most of all, my difficulties have shown me that I am capable of surviving anything that comes my way. My failures have shown me a path to success. My heart is once again full of hope and promise as I direct my attention outside of myself and into focus on what I can do for others. I am reaching for the sky, and with a lot of support from others and God, I am going to succeed.