Emotional Abuse

Mental health is a very serious topic that some can't deal with. They give up too soon, or they don't think they are important enough to heal from it. It causes suicides, it causes isolation, and it even affects relationships with your own kids, even losing your life to drugs. I can say that sensitive people who care too much are the victims here. I speak by experience. Nobody taught me about setting boundaries, about what self-love was all about. I didn't even know what love was. We weren't taught what confidence was about, only if it were passed down to family members like a hemi-down jeans. Wouldn't that be something. Only if we just knew how much damaging toxic relationships can do to some. Sad to say, that I followed my parents stupid beliefs, we only knew that we were stuck with someone for good if we had kids with them, no matter what! After my last kid, I finally realized I was grown, and I didn't have to obey this stupid old beliefs. This was insane, I couldn't believe the abuse I took because I though that's how someone showed their love for you. Stupid right?

I didn't learn my lesson at all, in the next relationship. The difference between the last one and this one was we laughed and he was funny. He was a good babysitter, but abusive to me. Sad that my kids heard us, but never saw anything. Still no excuse. I was learning. I think this one gave me trauma, very bad. I just started becoming emotionless after that break-up. It was horrible, drugs, drinking everyday for last 8 years. Damm, i think to myself, what was I doing?

I found myself alone at times, and I wanted to have fun, I still felt good until one day, I met someone who actually loved me. How do I know? The way he looked at me, and he took me out and showed me off. We were known on Facebook. We had so much fun, he even gave me his house key. And then, an unhealed wound showed up. I got scared, and went out with another guy and posted pictures, that he saw and I didn't care for some reason. I had told myself that I would just use men and I wouldn't fall for nobody, and my subconscious remembered that. How odd was that? So he took his house key back. I was devastated, I actually was. After all the fun we had and the sweet post he wrote me on social media. Nobody was ever proud to show me off like that again. I actually didn't know what love was or how it felt until I actually felt it and my scary ass made a mistake. We sure do learn the hard way. I haven't been able to talk about him to anyone until now. It makes my heart feel dark and kinda sad. What was I thinking?

We didn't speak after that. Men that I didn't care about came and went, they were just entertainment, I told myself. Then one day, God sent me someone that was different than anyone I ever dated. He actually worked, and didn't drink or smoked. He even took vitamins, wow! He worked so much to where I was feeling needy, you can say. He had a strict, routine life he followed. He was completely the opposite of who I was. I mean it, It got kinda scary. I am a sensitive person, I feel and get hurt when people aren't nice. Especially a new guy, we still are trying to get to know each other. By the way, we moved in after 3 months, I have 5 kids with me, and we went to meeting each other to playing house. Oh yea, he just came out of doing 11 years in prison. I had the ugly habit to look past people's flaws, I was still learning, I was trying. When I say that he was heaven sent, oh God sent him to me so I can learn to love myself and show me what love was really about. He was getting lessons as well. All of my child wounds had surfaced up and I became a needy, stubborn child who didn't stop crying over a man. WTF? So many issues that I didn't know I had were shown to me. Like how did I not know, because I wasn't taught shit, and people around me were the same way. But we were in on this together, we tried to hold onto one another but it didn't last long until one of our exes came with some unfinished business bullshit. I was living a soap opera, I couldn't believe it. But as if it were happening to other people around us. It was a time for healing and letting the past stay in the past.

Here I am, still crying, I was stripped out of my identity and no longer knew who I was. I don't think I ever knew. I was like a lost nomad, with mental issues, drinking my life away, doing METH. METH? I honestly felt this man's trauma from prison when he screamed at me. He was left feeling calm and I was in a horrible mental state. He knew, because he did it more often. That's where I was emotional unstable. I would hear so many voices in my head and they didn't speak kindly. I wasn't the same anymore. I lost touch of my reality, my identity. Up until now, I don't feel the same. I hide it very well around my kids, but I think they know. My personality isn't the same anymore, I hardly laugh, i stay isolated most of the time. I'm scared to go anywhere, and the messed up part about it, is that I finally decided to leave after 7 yrs. I allowed this to happen to me, I was brainwashed or manipulated thinking that my feelings aren't valid or don't matter to him. We stayed at home, his house he says. His kitchen, but I clearly remember him telling my kids that it was our house. But when we are alone, it's his. Rules were set, and our relationship was never real, or am I just insane. I don't know what's real anymore. I even started a small business and was doing something with myself, and he liked my artwork, but sales were picking up and he told me I had to leave within 3 months or to get a real job. All an excuse! I still don't know the real reason why I had to leave, but all he knows is that, this time I didn't cry to him or beg him like i usually do. He thought that day would never come. I may seem a little off, but i was gaining my mental health back little by little. I wasn't going to let a relationship destroy me. Once I left, I enrolled in school for my Bachelor's in Psychology. Let me tell you that the brain heals on it's own with determination and never giving up on yourself. I was healing through crying, sleeping, saying I Love You, expressing gratitude for another day.

So what's next? I am going to help others who aren't that strong and need help. I will teach kids about self-love, and setting boundaries. I will help others who also need emotional support, I will help addicts get off of drugs. I will make a difference in people's lives. I will teach people to know the signs of suicide and seek help. Everything that I wasn't taught including love, I will teach, even to the narcissist abusers. They are the main ones who need it. They try to make you look like your suffering through trauma, and make themselves look normal. Never give up, heal quietly, plan your goals in silence and make your entrance with a glow that there will never forget the beautiful face that was made from pain and tears. A MASTERPIECE!

If I inspired you with my life story and you would like to see more of my work, you can make any donation while I'm currently in school and working on my self-esteem and find myself indoors a lot. Help anyone that you think might be going through some mental abuse.