Drowning

Some days I’m drowning. Some days I feel so incredibly worn out from trying to stay afloat--exhausted from trying to keep my head above water and I want to give up. I want to just float away into the abyss and forget where I’ve come, what I’ve gone through, who I was, who I was in the process of becoming. And I want to just let go.

And You are there. You are there, my anchor to keep me from floating away, my float to keep me from sinking too deep. And You remind me that it’s been worth it so far, and even though the abyss tries to carry me away yet again, because I forgot to keep my eyes on You, You are still there and no matter how much I might sometimes claim I want it, it’s not in Your plans for me to be carried away or otherwise lost at sea. You remembered. You never forgot me, or the promises You made to bring me through to brighter days, to bring me through the fire—not unscathed but stronger because of it. When I forget and try to fall away, You bring me back to Your feet, into Your presence for rest. And I struggle against the rest.

I am like Elijah. I completed a battle that depleted me of my strength and my ability to focus on You. I ran when the Jezebels of life threatened to kill me; be it my spirit, be it my hope. I ran and You knew me. Exactly where I would go, exactly what I was feeling and what I was trying not to fear. You love me and carry me when I don’t have the strength to go on. Not only that, but gave me a love I couldn’t imagine. And when I want to give up all the more, You send Your calming peace, Your presence to comfort me, to wash over me and challenge me to keep going. Even though the journey be rough, there are better days to come. You didn’t forget me before, You haven’t forgotten me yet, nor is it in Your ability to forget me ever. When I realize I miss You and my spirit aches in lack of time spent with You—You remind me then that You missed me more.

You remembered me. You answered my deepest longing, my deepest prayer. You intervened when I didn’t even know what I wanted. You gave me You, filled me with Your love and Your joy, Your comfort, Your peace. And then You gave me more. When I have confusion, when I forget where I’m going, when I confess I have no idea where I’m going but remember again that I gave my days to You, You are my strength. You remind me that I don’t need to know what is going to happen from one day to the next because You have already been there. You went before me and lined up my steps. You are bringing me into something so much more than I could ever dream. Something bigger than me. I can’t see what it is, but that’s the adventure.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”