Depression in Grief

How are we supposed to heal through grief with depression constantly gripping our ankles and pulling us back down below the surface of the water? What are we supposed to do when our depression, by itself, causes us to be unable to recognize ourselves but then grief comes along and changes us into a completely different person that we no longer recognize in the mirror.

I have personally struggled with severe clinical depression since I was around 10-13 years old. I did not know at the time that there was even a label for what I was feeling, or the lack thereof. So, why have I decided to write a blog about the topic of depression through grief?

I recently lost my father just under four months ago, and then not even a week ago I lost my grandfather. I have struggled severely with the loss of my father, being as close as we were, and the loss of yet another family member just tore my wounds that had yet to heal right back open. And my remaining family has become confused by my behavior because they honestly do not know just how severe my depression is on top of the grief we all share. So I wanted to share my story and a few studies on depression and grief so that anyone going through something similar can know they are not alone, and to spread awareness for those with a loved one with depression so that they may be able to have a better understanding of what they are going through.

Let’s begin with a topic everyone knows about; Grief.

We all know about the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. But those stages are not a guideline or checklist, and they may happen in a different order for different people. When we lose someone we love we lose a part of ourselves. We miss them so much that it is actually painful, and that pain varies depending on the person. In short, grief is highly unpredictable. So, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to handling our grief.

Now on to a topic not everyone is well versed in; Depression. Just what is depression?

Just like with grief depression can vary depending on the person and severity. Some people develop depression from trauma or stress, while others have a chemical imbalance within their brain that causes them to feel depressed for, “no reason.” I, personally, fall into the latter category.

I had a good childhood, with loving parents and sisters. I was never physically abused or assaulted. This is the reason I did not realize for such a long time that I had depression because I felt I had no reason to be sad. My brain had other plans, however. This confusion over why I was depressed led to periods of denial, self-loathing, and eventually self-harm. I hated myself for being depressed when there were people out there going through so much worse, I felt like an imposter. And I somehow managed to hide all of this from my family. Which has only led to their confusion when it comes to my grieving process.

They cannot understand what I am going through if I do not open up about it, but that is a terrifying prospect. There are many symptoms of depression that I could list here, but I am going to attempt to keep it short and to the point. Some of the most common symptoms that I personally deal with are a feeling of hopelessness, sadness, anxiety, irritability, guilt, worthlessness, loss of interest, fatigue, oversleeping, overeating or undereating, intrusive thoughts, and suicidal ideation.

So, just imagine for a minute the feeling of depression alone… And then imagine it on top of grief.

Grief and depression have some similar characteristics, so what exactly is the difference between the two? The main difference between the two is that the symptoms of grief can be considered temporary. Some people only grieve for a week, some grieve for years. So, it is important to grieve however fits you best. Never put a time limit on it.

When it comes to depression though, the symptoms are something that most people deal with every day. Some days can be better than others, but it is something we are stuck with for the rest of our lives. We can medicate ourselves and go to therapy, but both of those options do not work for everyone. I personally do better on medication, but it basically makes the symptoms manageable, it does not miraculously make me better. The depression is still there, I am just able to resist the urge to hurt myself, I am able to get out of bed, etc.

So, what should you do if you are grieving and also struggling with depression? I do not claim to be an expert on the subject. I can only give you advice from my personal experience and what I have learned as I work to obtain a degree in psychology… Not there yet though.

Personally, once I lost my dad my will to do anything just vanished. It is a struggle just to get out of bed. I stopped eating, I basically eat just enough to keep myself from passing out, my sleep schedule is non-existent, and I stopped going to work and school. Thankfully my advisor has a way for me to return to school whenever I am ready, but I know I will probably not be ready for quite a while. Even the hobbies that I have enjoyed since childhood no longer interest me as they once did.

Now, before I list off some things that have helped me just remember that not everyone is going to enjoy these activities so you do not have to do them unless you want to.

Drawing has helped me a bit. Especially when I feel like hurting myself if I draw how I am feeling it becomes an outlet and protects me from myself.

Writing letters to my dad has definitely helped me the most. When I am writing to him I write as if he is actually going to receive and read my letters. Doing this has allowed me to say anything that I felt was left unsaid.

Believe it or not, gaming with my friends helps a lot. It allows me to have fun with my friends and get some kind of social interaction without the need to leave my house.

While I do have some favorite comfort movies and shows I have actually taken to watching as many new shows as I can. While my favorites are comforting, they allow me too much time to think because I know what is going to happen. When I am watching something new my attention is completely on what is happening.

And what is probably the most obvious is that I do have a few friends that I have confided in as to just how bad I have been. They check on me every day to make sure I have eaten or drank some water, or even to just sit and listen if I need someone to talk to. So, if you have anyone you trust, even just one person, confide in them so they can be there for you and give you support. If I did not have any support or anyone I trusted I would honestly be dead. My friend left work early one night because she realized that I had been driven to suicidal thoughts and she was not about to allow me to be alone going through that.

Find someone that would do that for you without any hesitation.

Now, what advice can I give the friends and family of someone struggling with their depression through their grief? Again, this is not a one-size-fits-all. You may have noticed since losing someone important that your loved one has become distant, listless, sad, sleeping constantly, they no longer want to do things they previously enjoyed, they may have become irritable, angry, or even like they have become a completely different person. My first piece of advice is patience. They do not hate you, they are not actually angry at you, and most likely these feelings are actually directed inward.

Being depressed while grieving can make you feel like you are genuinely losing your mind. So if they are lashing out at you it usually stems from a feeling of being overwhelmed.

This is one reason why it can be so hard for us to leave our beds, besides the lack of energy, when we are constantly feeling easily overwhelmed the safety of our beds is so enticing that we can spend days in them. If your loved one feels up to it, maybe join them in bed to give them a shoulder to cry on, someone to cuddle, or maybe even have a movie day in bed. Keep the lights low, sound low, and just be there for them. If they are not feeling up to company then just check on them every once in a while. A good default is to bring them snacks that they enjoy so at least you know they are eating.

Encourage them when they are able to complete even the simplest act of self-care, such as showering, brushing their hair or teeth, drinking a glass of water, eating a meal, etc. Anything counts! While we may consider these tasks to be easy, everyday tasks, when someone is depressed these tasks no longer become simple and can take every ounce of willpower we have.

Honestly, just be there for your loved one who is struggling with depression. Listen to their needs. Have an open mind. One day they may need all the cuddles and attention you can provide, but the next day they may want to be left alone with no interaction, it can change every day. Sometimes they will even need something in-between. But seriously, just listen. If you are truly listening and trying to understand and be helpful to your loved ones they will voice what they need. And if they need to be left alone, do not take it personally. Their depression is not about you, but you can help. Even if you feel that you cannot do any kind of acts of service that will help, or nothing you say seems to help, that is the time to shut up and listen. You don’t have to respond to whatever they say if they are confiding in you about how they feel. Just be there, be attentive, and LISTEN.

Long story short… Depression sucks, grief sucks… And together they are one of the worst things I have ever felt or gone through. And I know I am not alone in how I am feeling. Someone out there will read this and hopefully gain some insight into the world of depression. Or perhaps you yourself have depression. At least it is nice to have someone else voice how you are feeling so that you can have someone to relate to.

Treasure the time you have with your loved ones. And if you are struggling with depression and grief at the same time. I understand what you are going through. It hurts so much, but don’t let it take control of you as it has me.

If you know someone who struggles with depression and grief, be there for them. Do not give up on them. They need you even if they do not realize it right now. Take it from me… If you ask someone with depression how they are doing and they reply that they are, “fine,” do NOT believe them. That is like a preprogrammed response that we give people, and not even on purpose or to hide how we truly feel, it is like a reflex. Even if they say they are fine still continue to check on them and be there for them.

Be patient… Be kind… And listen.