Conversations with the unconscious

It’s always 3am exactly I get the wake up call. No matter how I try to trick it, what time I go to bed or when I have to wake up.

An unwanted awakening from my unconscious. It feels mad at me again.

And I know why, I know what you’ve found. We’ve done this before, again and again.

I knew it was coming because I’ve been anxious all week. I could feel you rummaging around back there.

I knew you were doing good, you always mean the best; tidying up & making sure everything is in order, doing the mind maintenance for us, making sure we can both sleep.

Making sure I haven’t been sweeping things into corners and brushing things under the carpet like usual.

Making sure I’m tidying up properly and not hiding things from you. I’m anxious because I always know I am.

“Wake up!!!!!!”

“Oh no, not this again.”

“It’s a mess down here! What have you been doing?”

“My way of tidying up isn’t as good as yours, I get distracted easily and I don’t like tidying. It isn’t fun.”

“Stop making excuses. I’m tired of all your excuses.”

You’ve always protected me before and let me get away with a few things, because you see me get upset.

“But I’m tired. I want to go back to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep either, not until we face this. Together. What shall we do with this now? It’s stuck here and I can’t move it myself this time. Look at it now.”

“Oh no. That.”

“Yes. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve left it too long it’s just been growing bigger and now it’s lodged, so now I am waking you up to deal with it.”

“I tidied all the other little things! I don’t know what to do with it either, it’s too big and heavy. I can’t move it and I don’t want it anymore - it’s ugly. Can’t we just find somewhere else to hide it? Throw it away? Or give it to somebody else?”

“There is nowhere left to hide it anymore. It’s upsetting me and now I can’t sleep. This is not fair. I’ve been trying to get you to deal with it for too long now. I am not playing this game with you anymore.”

“The same thing I keep trying to hide from you and you keep finding it and bringing it back to me. Can’t you just ignore it again?!”

“No. I’ve told you it isn’t fair on me - it wakes me up and I let you ignore it too often. You can busy yourself up there, I have to look after you and you aren’t helping me. I cannot keep doing this to protect you anymore.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I will deal with it another time. Can we talk about it in the morning?”

“No. Now. You want to go back to sleep so you can try to forget about me again in the morning and pretend I’m ok, or make sure you are too busy throughout the day. I will just wake you up again at 3am tomorrow morning more angry.”

“But I’ve been doing so well recently.”

“Well at what? Avoiding it and making us deal with it?”

“Oh yes. Us. The other one, too.”

“You know who I mean. You have to talk to her. The little you.”

“Yes, her. The little angry me. I can’t, she won’t speak to me. She’s just angry and sad all the time. It makes me feel upset to see her.”

“You can’t just leave her like this. It isn’t good parenting. She has to talk and you have to help her.”

“But I thought we were ok. I’m ok with it all. I’ve told her this. She needs to get over it.”

“You’re an adult, it’s different. You rationalise and explain in words she does not understand. You are too strict. You might understand and have forgiven, but the little you has not. She is so upset, she can’t go through it alone. I can’t get through to her. I need your help.”

“But I don’t know how. I don’t feel like she will listen to me and it just upsets me to see her this way. I thought if I told her the answers it would fix her. I hoped if I left her alone, time would fix her.”

“You have to look after her. You have to empathise with her. You have to be sad and angry with her. She will come round. You can’t leave her alone down there with all of our sadness and anger forever.”

“But I just can’t bear how she makes me feel so sad and angry. I try to stay away from her. You mean I have to just be sad and angry too?!”

“Exactly. She needs someone to care enough to accept her sadness and you try to pass her on to other people. She really just wants you, you are the only one who can help. No one else!”

“Ok. I know it’s true. I’m just afraid. But I cannot keep neglecting and hurting someone I love anymore. I have to be strong and do this. Let’s do this all together. We have to make her happy again.”

“Yes! Now, we can all have a good long sleep and make some plans to spend time together. It will be lovely, I promise.”