“… but we love you very much.”

You never know if something is good or bad unless you have something to compare it with. Because of that, the truth can easily be manipulated by the people who have authority and power. However, truth has a way of coming out, and when it does, it doesn’t save you from the scars that the lies leave behind.

It's truly shocking to face the double standards that exist in abusive families. Parents can only “love” you based on your success and achievements and put you in a race with yourself, getting you hoping to hear that they are “proud of you” so you can feel worthy for five minutes when they keep putting you through the worst, putting you in the middle of their own relationship, making you feel guilty for their pain that they are causing each other because “ they are only staying in this marriage for the kids.” Mentally and physically abusing each other, abusing you and your sister and saying: “Parents can be like this sometimes,” “I put a roof over your head, I feed you,” “You don’t know what kind of parents out there, you should feel lucky that you have us” and, “…. but we love you very much.”.

So, you accept but never understand; even if you say you’re okay, your heart aches because the first people you loved on this planet and maybe even you love the most are also the people who constantly hurt you, making you feel unworthy and ashamed. You accept it because in the end, you are just a kid, and they are adults; they are your parents. So, you shut your mouth and let your mom hide your bruises on your face with her foundation while crying before you go to school.

“Oh, I just fell off the stairs.” You say just like your mother told you to do when the principal asks you: “What happened to your arm?” because you can’t say that your dad almost broke it, beating you with a metal stick because he got angry. He looks confused but then says: “Well, at least you saved your head!” and you say: “Yea. I got lucky, I guess.” because your dad learned better not to hit your face right before school.

You come home from your friend’s house and mention how nice their parents were to you, and your mom gets mad starts screaming at you, saying: “If you like them that much, you can move to their house, call them your parents!” and you want to say you wish, but instead you cry because no matter what you say she won’t listen to it. You go to your room and sleep for hours, hoping to be somewhere else. You want to be far away from this house, your parents, you think the furthest you get, the happier you’ll be. You wake up with headaches because you could only sleep so much, but you don’t want to be awake. Your parents constantly come into your room and keep mentally abusing you, saying: “you are lazy” “You should be studying instead of sleeping like a pig,” “You’ll have no future, don’t come crying to me when you are unemployed and homeless”. You don’t want to be awake. So, you swallow a handful of painkillers hoping that you won’t wake up ever again.

You are driving home from work, far away from what used to be your “home.” You are somebody that learned the difference between good and bad. You’ve been left with scars, but you are a survivor, and people could never see that looking at you because you learned so damn well to hide all these years, but you never forget the pain that left you the scars, and all the suppressed emotions have a way of coming to the surface. Eventually, You can’t help but get sad, disgusted, and angry when all the memories you’ve been trying so hard to forget suddenly flash in your head when you are all alone when you are walking on a street, and you smell a men’s cologne just like your dad used to use, when your mom calls you and tell you how well they have raised you because now, you are successful with a good job and they brag about you to their friends so that now they can feel worthy of themselves. You cringe when they say they are “proud of you”, a word that used to mean the world to hear from them but now means nothing to you. You open the door to your house, and your daughter jumps on you. You hug her tight. You say: “I love you unconditionally.”