Being a parent to a transgender child

On April 30, 1993, Betty Lou came into the world. She was a beautiful child and she was the bright light in my life. The older she became, the more exquisite she became in beauty. On a trip to Mexico with the family at about age seven, the photographer who captured the moment on film was so impressed by her beauty that he hung her photographs in his shop window.

Betty lou’s father and I separated when Betty lou was about two years old due to the fact that he beat me on several occasions and belittled me constantly. I always required medical intervention for my injuries .Betty lou’s grandfather was a prominent, wealthy physician in our community and he provided some of my post abuse care. I went to court for custody of Betty but I had left with nothing but the clothes on my back and my child. Betty’s father, who I will call Dick, arrived at the courthouse with the most expensive and results driven attorney money could buy. My medical records were conveniently lost and on that day I was painted as a crazy liar and money hungry. I couldn’t afford an attorney.Dick was painted as a wonderful, privileged young man. I’ll never forget that day that justice was perverted for privilege. I was granted visitation and for awhile Betty Lou had everything that money and privilege could buy.

Fast forward about three years ,Dick came by my new apartment to supposedly check it out prior to Bettys visit. In that instance, I became his victim again because he raped and sodomized me.I had just started dating a member of law enforcement. I also worked at the only county rape center. I was to ashamed to come forward because I couldn’t deal with the vilification of being the victim . I could already hear the “it was consensual “.I didn’t want to live under those circumstances at that time. So instead, I tried to end my life. I woke up on life support in the ICU and my life forever changed.

Dick took me back to court requesting supervised visitation and it was granted due to my circumstances that he helped to create. I was just grateful to be a part of my little girls life. I would sometimes just park down the street to watch her play. At about age nine my relationship with Betty changed and she became more withdrawn. At ten , her father brutally raped her. This forever changed the course of betty’s identity. It’s at this point that Betty no longer showed up for our visitation. It was always just Dick who showed up. He would tell me fantastical stories of birthdays with cotton candy machines and ponies and I believed that lie. He would go into to detail about his “virginal” daughter. He told me that her life was great.

It would take Betty eighteen years before she shared what she had went through. If I had stepped up and reported my rape by her father, maybe it could have been avoided. I’m not trying to minimize her pain and suffering at his hands because I know the depravity that Dick is capable of. I even reported him to child protective services early on. I found him in his underwear with Betty completely nude. They did investigate. Betty was too young to provide details. They also didn’t conduct a forensic interview or medical examination.

Betty revealed to me that at an early age she knew she was meant to be a male. She had asked her stepmother when her penis was going to grow. I know that this woman shared these startling things with betty’s father who in turn raped her to quell her inquiries on her identity. He wanted to cement the fact that Betty was born a female and in some sick, perverted way he probably thought he was helping. I love Betty very much and I feel her pain and in no way am I trying to minimize it or harm her in anyway.

As soon as Betty left her father’s house, she and I reconnected.I suspected that she was gay, I didn’t judge and when she finally opened up to me about the abuse, I felt immense pain and a huge sense of failure on my part. It’s still with me today. By age 24 Betty began to transition to become a male. I gave Joshua his first few testosterone injections. The transition began and I was really torn because I felt like I had just gotten to know Betty and now she was gone. This new person Joshua was taking her place. I remember crying and missing my daughter. I was mourning the loss of my daughter because the person she used to be no longer existed. Now I had a son named Joshua that I didn’t really know. I didn’t know what to expect and the lifestyle that went along with it. I got a crash course in the gay lifestyle and what I saw was graphic and scary to be honest. There’s an app that is used for random hookups with complete strangers. The violence and hate crimes against transgender people in general frightened me. Joshua legally became a male. Joshua has undergone surgery to have the physical characteristics of a man. Joshua is an amazing person whom I love very much.

I received a call from Joshua one afternoon. I had to drive about an hour to get there because Joshua and his roommate were being called faggots and being physically threatened. I drove into the storm to give this man who was terrorizing them an ass kicking. Thankfully, that stopped that situation and I didn’t get arrested.

I enjoy the “I love you’s” and I love my son Joshua and I try not to judge. I try to put myself in his shoes all the time but I’m still mourning the loss of my daughter. While I’m not allowed to discuss it with Joshua or have an opinion on the lifestyle, just know that it hurts me to not have my feelings validated by Joshua. Can you please imagine a life where you can’t talk about a person’s childhood or allowed to show baby photos? That’s what I’m struggling to deal with now. I’m always afraid of not using the proper pronouns. It’s like walking on eggshells.

Joshua is now engaged to a wonderful transgender woman and who would have thought they would have found each other and be so in love. I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful person inside and out.

I originally published this using actual names. Not last names or locations and Joshua was very hurt by my admissions on his trauma. I wanted to share this story. Not to hurt anyone but possibly to reach that one parent who might find something useful from what I revealed.They’re are no resources for parents of transgender children. No outlets outside of sharing this story. As for my relationship with Joshua, I don’t know where I stand today but we go on random road trips when we can afford them. We have been to the beach, Los Angeles and the famous Rodeo drive in the 90210 area. I’m hoping that we can afford to get away more often when time and money permits. Joshua, if you’re reading this just know that I accept you as you are. I will always love you unconditionally.I will always encourage you to be yourself, your authentic self with no judgements. I will work on my proper pronouns! I promise!

As for the judge that ruled in Dick’s favor, I got the opportunity to let him know what had happened. His response was, “I’m sorry I didn’t know “. As for Dick, the statue of limitations may have run out but just know that justice will arrive on your doorstep one day......