Becoming More Me

I’ll be upfront. Writing this is scary. But I also know this is the perfect first challenge to participate in because this is the most me I’ve been my whole life.

This moment.

I want to make this as raw and true and me as possible. And that include my writing style. One of the reasons I held back from submitting stories is because in a book or story, I always thought they needed to be a certain outline or else it wasn’t “correct”. And organizing it to “perfection” always overwhelmed me. And I love that here, I’m free to be me. Soo that includes my writing style. I like to write as if I’m talking to you. As if you’re in front of me, listening attentively to what I’m expressing.

On November 25th, I labeled a page in my journal with the date and the words “The Remarkably Real Challenge” at the top. And I began to write bullet points as to what I wanted to include in this entry. BUT it was November 25th. And on that day, I just happen to feel excited and motivated.

I’ve been dealing with depression this whole year and it’s always up and down. And you know what they say; healing and progress isn’t linear. For the first half of the year it was actually pretty down though. I had lost all my motivation, desire and interest for my goals and to even live. In February, I did get my first server job though. I’ve never worked in a restaurant and I’ve always wanted to try it. The main reason at that time though was that I needed something to keep me distracted.

It’s funny, there were people at the restaurant who said that they admired me and how I was always smiley and seem joyous. Little did they know, I had probably just cried myself to sleep the night before. Or that I was going to cry after clocking out. I really did try to hide my depression there. I didn’t want anyone to know. That was a place I went to keep my mind and body occupied. It was my escape.

For months I wanted to cease to exist. I hated the fact that I was alive. I remember being angry at God for taking away the people who WANT to live and not taking away the people who wanted to die.

All I wanted to do was drink, work, and avoid being home. Depression really took over my mind. It felt like my own personal version of Hell.

I actually feel anxious right now writing this.

As horrible as it felt, my sadness felt addicting. But little by little, I was feeling glimpses of light. There was a transition happening.

I started caring about myself and my health again. I’d say I started making progress over the summer. I still lived with depression, but it felt differently. It wasn’t as heavy. I was crying less, drinking less, eating healthier and work felt differently as well. I actually always loved that job since I started but I was using it less as an escape and more of healthy coping mechanism. It was summer. I hate the extreme heat but I remember walking from the parking lot to the restaurant and how great the sun and light felt. It was healing.

I’d say the most progress happened during august and September though. I even started going to the gym and I loved it. I think being more active helped a lot and it was something I looked forward to. I started to care more for my goals and became interested in working towards them again.

In October I traveled to my family’s country for the first time and it was soo amazing to learn more about them and meet a lot of them. I stayed almost a month and it was a lot of sight seeing and family gatherings so my mind was pretty occupied the whole time so it didn’t allow me to have a lot of dark thoughts. And since I was already doing so much better the months before, it was the perfect extra push towards more healing.

Coming back was tough though. I didn’t think my body and mind would have such a hard time adjusting to being back but I had a lot of trouble sleeping and I just didn’t feel like myself. And I was missing the towns and family I had over there. It was such a setback. I took two weeks after coming back to recover and feel ready to work again. But while I was gone, so many changes had happened at the restaurant. The main change was that the manager who had hired me left and the other manager just didn’t put me back on the schedule. That honestly hurt. It felt like I had nothing to look forward to now.

The week I found out I basically didn’t have a job there, it was daylight savings too. Great. Oh November’s. I’m scared of them. I love/hate them. I was a mess last November and I didn’t want this one to be like the last. I had made so much progress, I didn’t want to go back to a dark place. But Novembers tends to do that to me. I hate that the sun sets to early and that it’s just dark for most of the day. Even in the daytime when it’s light out, it’d be gloomy and dull. It affects how I feel so much.

It was dark, I had no place to go to distract me and all I wanted to do was hide under my blanket and cry.

I’ve been dealing with seasonal depression for the past three years but it’s kinda my first year realizing that that is what I was experiencing. Every year I’d feel depressed and I NEVER knew why. I thought something was wrong with me. It was confusing and frustrating. I just wasn’t aware back then that seasonal depression was a thing. So now I have to deal with seasonal depression on top of my regular depression?! Sigh.

I’ve been going to therapy since April but consistently since august. I really like it. But I knew I didn’t more support so I decided to get a psychiatrist. I wanted to give anti depressants a shot. Maybe they could help me and give me that boost to help me get through the winter.

Oh, I did get a new job too. As a receptionist. I’ve only been there a month and all my co workers are lovely. But oh my god. I can’t stay there. It was the fastest thing I could find and i knew working would help me get more back into a routine. But I can’t sit in one place for hours. Time feels slow, I’m not walking, and it’s not distracting! I love loving my jobs. And I don’t hate it but unfortunately, I just don’t love it and I don’t think it’s the best thing for my mental health right now.

So here I am, confused, depressed, anxious, unmotivated, at a new job & trying meds. I really did lose all my motivation. I wasn’t exercising anymore and I started to eat less. This year, I really got into art and writing. But it’s like the things that normally helped, I just didn’t have a desire to do them anymore. All I wanted to do was hide in my hoodie under my blanket again. I could stay like that all year. And it made me feel suckier cause it made me think I was just being lazy and unproductive. But I wasn’t trying to be lazy, this is just a symptom of depression that I was experiencing.

Things got darker.

This whole year, I didn’t feel like living. And for most of it, I wasn’t even living. I was just surviving and existing. I’d have thoughts of wanting to die but I would never go through with it. One of the main reasons I never thought too seriously about actually committing suicide is because I didn’t want to hurt the people who did care for me.

But sometimes shifted in me two weeks ago. My thoughts were becoming darker. I could not stop thinking about suicide and I was really considering it. What’s held me back in the past, was not hurting those around me. Because I knew it would break their hearts. And it broke my heart even more just thinking of them grieving over me. But I couldn’t shut it off. My suicidal thoughts became so intense and constant and staying for my family seemed like less and less of a reason to stay. I’ve never experienced this distinct feeling. It fogged my mind.

I told my psychiatrist that I was having suicidal thoughts. At that point it was only like four or five days into taking my medication and it was too soon to tell if my thoughts were just a side effect. But she decided to take me off it just in case and she switched it to a different antidepressant. It takes up to a month to feel the benefits of antidepressants but it can take less than that to feel the side effects. So it’s like you have to get through the bad before you get to the good. Which is really unfortunate. I wanted to give up on them.

I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to go back to drinking every day and crying myself to sleep. The thoughts wouldn’t go away. The only thing holding me back now was that I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t know how I would commit suicide. I didn’t want to do it in a violent way. There was a night I was crying and I decided to call a suicide line. I’ve never called one before and it was scary and I was so nervous. But I was curious and I wanted to see if it would help. I called for about four or five days. They were all very kind.

I continued my days with these thoughts and I got to a point where I was really considering going to the ER. But I didn’t know what the process would be like and it sounded scary. So I went to a crisis care center instead. One of the counselors on the suicide line had told me that it’s an alternative place to go instead of the ER. She said it’s a safe place and they don’t keep you there, you have the option to leave.

I went to the crisis center last Friday. I won’t write all the details cause I’m running short on time. But it was basically a lot of crying amd talking. Everyone there was super kind though. I stayed there for about 8 hours.

I can’t believe I went there. I can’t believe I got to a point where I felt the need to go there. I couldn’t believe that I was having these thoughts to begin with. I never thought I would have suicidal thoughts. It was heart breaking.

But I survived. And I’m here. Although I still rather not, I am here. Living with depression, but my suicidal thoughts have calmed down. They don’t feel as fogging anymore. I don’t know if it’ll happen again and I don’t know if it happened because of the medication or just cause it meant to happen when it did. But I am feeling less intense.

On November 25th, I started writing down bullet points of what to include in this entry. But I became unmotivated to write it and so I didn’t think I would enter. But today I was scrolling on Instagram and I saw an ad that was about this challenge and how today was the last day. So I guess everything does happen for a reason. If I wouldve entered weeks ago, I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to write about my suicidal episode.

Everything that has happened has shaped me more into myself. I survived and every day I’m being brave by being alive. Everyday I’m being brave by being myself.

Right now I’m at a lower point compared to summer. So it’s hard to write about the positive things I was feeling and working towards. But at this moment, I AM feeling hopeful. I really do want to be myself. I want to be free to be me. And I want to inspire others to be brave to be themselves as well.

This year I’ve had thoughts of creating an art page on Instagram but I always held back because I was afraid. But I finally made one when I came back from my trip and I’ve been posting my work consistently since then. I post paintings and collages and writings and I love using it as a way to express myself and as a way to inspire others. I try to be real and more open on there as to my daily thoughts, struggles, and inspirations. And the feedback I’ve gotten back is so wholesome. I’m helping people be brave by being myself.

Honestly, I wasn’t planning on writing this. But it’s 11:40pm & I did the best I could with the time I had left in the day. So sorry if there are spelling mistakes or anything, I don’t think I’ll have time to proof read everything. But it was an honor to be able to share my story with you. Everyday I’m experiencing and becoming more myself. ❤️

This felt heavy to write & I wish it was a little more positive, I wish you got to read more about the summer version of me because I was doing so well. But it’s okay. This is where I’m at right now. I know I won’t always be at this stage. I know progress isn’t linear. And I know life is a continuous journey.

Yes, it would be amazing to win and it would help out so much. But right now all I care about is being able to upload this in the first place 😭.

But thank you for your time :) I really do appreciate it. I will continue being brave.