Becoming Fiercely Vulnerable

Mulch: the shit that makes us grow

I am passionate about the shit that makes me grow. A little over a year ago I started a project called Mulch. Mulch started as a place I could be honest and tell my fiercely vulnerable stories about codependency, alcoholism and self-development. Instead of looking at my childhood experiences and my failed relationships as a hindrance, I wanted to look at them as something meant to nourish me, and support my growth. Something like mulch.

The truth is I don’t hold any resentment towards the people in my life that contributed to my chaos, and it is probably because I saw the complex web of psychology attached to each of these people. I didn’t see them as broken, but wounded and hurt, just like me. My symptoms of abuse and trauma just manifested in a different way. I didn’t want to be stuck in any blame or victim mentality.

We all have shit in our lives and I felt we were given two choices. Let it be the reason you are an alcoholic or codependent, or let it be the reason you decided to grow from being an alcoholic or codependent.

Mulch is a platform for those who are seeking a meaningful personal self development journey. It includes a podcast, weekly articles, stories and workshops rooted in the “shit” that makes us grow. I started a website, an instagram page and a podcast and began building a community were people could connect through listening to and sharing fiercely vulnerable stories.

Through my own discoveries with healing I came to realize that traditional support, like Al-Anon, although free, can be a hassle to commit to. Whether it is driving to daily support meetings, which is unrealistic when you are standing in the rubble of a chaotic life, or paying for therapy that interrupts your work schedule, it isn't a practical or successful program for most people.

I want Mulch to be a place people can invest in their healing as it fits in their life. My vision is to have a Mulch Membership that gives members access to resources wherever they are on their healing journey. There are 6 workshops I have created that I will elaborate on later but each member will have access to these workshops that they can dive into when they are ready. Healing is not linear, and some people may need more time and space in one area than others. This allows people to focus on their individual healing and self development when they are ready to do so.

My Story

I was only five but this memory is still vivid. A room lined with bunk beds, the smell of artificial peaches and my first roller skate barbie. Where were we? The walls of the room were bare, and there were so many beds. Who were they for?

I remember my mom frantically putting groceries in a fridge before a woman hurried over to scold her. She wasn’t supposed to do that. She called my mom by name, and talked to her like my mom tried to pull this maneuver earlier and was caught yet again. There was a playground, but it was empty. A cafeteria, but it was empty too. Where was my dad?

It was a women’s shelter, but that piece of the puzzle was given to me much later. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was an active enabler and codependent in their relationship. Each member of our family had an important role to play in the vitality of our dysfunctional family, but I wouldn’t be aware of the codependent patterns that were meticulously rooted within me until I began my own intimate relationships with addicts.

Twenty-three years had gone by, and there I was, twenty-seven years old and sitting in a circle of people who also had a member of their family attending the rehab centre we were sitting in. Looking at the faces around me, they were exhausted, concerned, and confused. Each one of these people tried to save their loved one from addiction. They had been lied to, emotionally abused, cried themselves to sleep, given money to their loved one to buy alcohol, worried all night when they didn’t come home, made compromises with them that went against their values and missed out on many experiences because their partner would be tempted to drink. They had had enough and this was their last resort.

I took a look around the circle. These people had come here to seek an understanding of why their loved one was an addict. They needed answers and were desperately hoping they’d find them here, but they wouldn’t. The painful truth was we didn’t end up in this family therapy session because of our addicted partners.

The weakest and conditioned parts of ourselves were triggered in our relationship with them, but they did not put those traits there. These traits were deeply rooted inside us and conditioned at a young age. We had the disease to please. As we got to know each other better we noticed we grew up to be accommodating, self-less, hard and “self sufficient”. Self abandonment was praised and seen as heroic.

We were realizing the people we attracted wore chaos on their sleeves, just like my dad once did. We were equipped to handle their chaos and trauma-bonded to people where we could freely release our codependent nature as the helper, the problem solver, the controller and the caregiver.

How Mulch started

When I was ready to leave my partner I was filled with anger, resentment and all the emotions I wasn’t “allowed” to feel while he started his recovery journey. I moved into a space, where I could live alone, and began to painfully sit with myself. Although feeling alone was a familiar feeling, actually being alone was a foreign one. No distractions, just me.

I had the privilege of being 27 years old, unmarried and childless when I began my self development journey. My ex-boyfriend was lucky to have a family who could afford to put him in rehab and I was fortunate to reap the benefits of the therapy I was able to receive there. I began going to Al-Anon meetings and free weekly group sessions for people in families with alcoholism. However, despite the help I was receiving, I was working full time teaching in a city an hour away, and felt overwhelmed, exhausted and hopeless that any significant progress with my self development could be made. I began to feel this daunting heaviness that I would never conquer codependency and would continue having unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships. Until I decided to reframe what "co-dependency" actually meant.

The word "co-dependency" never sat right with me. Codependency is problematic to me because “being codependent” is a symptom to my trauma, it isn’t my root problem. The problem people like me have is having a lack of relationship with oneself and a difficulty to focus on and prioritize, and recognize their own needs because in childhood someone else's needs were more important than theirs.

I needed to change the label "co-dependent" to something I felt I could conquer. I wanted to the word to have hope, optimism, and a little bit of sadness and empathy but more importantly, I want it to have a polar opposite that we can work towards and achieve. It isn’t our fault that we ended up this way, and it isn’t necessarily how we will permanently be.

What is Self- Deficiency?

Self-deficiency is our communities new word for “codependency”. We want to remove the negative stigma that is attached to codependency and work with a label that acknowledges our problem, having a lack of relationship with ourselves. The nature of the word implies we are malnourished in our needs and need to nourish ourselves to become self sufficient.

Defined:

Self-deficiency is a state of being where one struggles with the necessary self care and relationship we must all have with ourselves to live a healthy, balanced life. In other words, they are deficient in having a positive, meaningful and loving relationship with themselves. Self-Deficient people don’t prioritize their needs and overcompensate by focusing and prioritizing others needs.

What are the Six Nourished Workshops?

I do not disagree with people who choose to go to weekly meetings, however, I did see a need for a more accessible and structured “program.” In my opinion, the structure of the AA and Al Anon communities are targeted for religious baby boomers and not self-developing millennials. The teacher in me as well, felt like there needed to be a “curriculum” to healing that is more concrete and tangible than the 12 steps in addition to the community that these programs do offer.

Every person has access to the Mulch Podcast, website and articles. However, when people purchase a Mulch Membership they become a part of our "Nourished Community" and have access to these 6 work shops:

1. I am Self-Deficient

2. Digging up Roots

3. Planting New Seeds

4. Building your Sanctuary

5. The Garden

6. Nourishment

Each workshop will offer:

4 week course with content for each day.

Introductory booklet with an explanation of the workshop, important concepts and reflection questions.

Secondary Booklet

4 Zoom Calls with our group and I.

Access to videos that will support you.

Access to a community meant to connect you with other people with similar experiences.

Additional supports unique to that particular workshop.

Why people follow Mulch

Healing, especially from something like codependency, can feel embarrassing and lonely. I think people enjoy listening to my experiences and stories because there is fierce power in being vulnerable. Sharing stories IS healing and this isn't new news. AA and Al Anon, are anonymous because of the shame these stories bring and I want to re-write that narrative. We ALL have shit to grow from, so may as well do it together. Mulch is rotting for you!

If you are interested in learning more check out Mulch Podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcast! There are some lovely reviews you can read before hand. My website is: frommulch.com and you can connect with me on instagram at @from.mulch.