Beast

You must get out of here, now

GO

Quickly, before it gets to you!

The air around my lungs has been sucked into a shrinking vortex and my heart is dying to keep me alive.

Breathe

My eyes are darting from every corner of my sockets, blur and panic kidnap my vision and the burn intensifies with every breath I can no longer finish.

I can’t see it,

Where is it?

It’s coming for me; every fibre of my being reminds me of its presence

Why can’t I see it though?

Get away from me! Please

PLEASE.

We’ve been playing this game for days and I just don’t think I have much flight left in me. Yesterday I spent hours in the darkness beneath layers of filth just waiting, hoping endlessly that it would give up and leave me alone.

There was no longer any noise, no suggestion left of its presence, and as the sky was closing its curtains on the day, I was sure it had given up and left to find another victim. How wrong I was. I emerged with too much confidence and gave myself away too easily. The chase was on again and this time I was not prepared like I should have been, and it almost got me twice.

I’ve spent all night dodging its grasp. I contemplated surrender. I even let it get closer enough to feel its heaving breath before my heart reminded me to strive for another day.

I can’t quite make out it’s figure anymore, its silhouette shifts with the shadows of the day and the longer I run the less clarity I have. I don’t even know how it found me; I had been so careful. I never left any trace of myself in the places I was leaving, I erased all signs of my existence. With every new space I occupied I covered my tracks; I dare not leave footprints behind. At my best, I’m a chameleon but every now and then I get lazy, clumsy.

What day was that?

Think, come on

THINK

When did I let my guard down, where did it find me?

It must have been last Tuesday; I was probably too careless in the heat of the day. I remember how beautiful that day had been, the skies had finally stopped weeping and the air was warm and alluring, I knew basking in its glory would bring consequence and yet I rolled the dice anyway. The sun on my skin exposed me too much. I allowed myself to be vulnerable.

Silly girl!

I know better than that, why do I always make the same mistakes? It’s too late for deliberations now though, I’m found, and I must keep finding ways to hide again until it goes away, surely it will get bored soon, surely, I am not that much of a victory.

How did I lose it last time?

Retracing steps in every map of my mind is taking its toll and I can barely make out the direction I am heading anymore.

Think

Overthink

Think a little more

The pages of my memory are full of blank spaces. I test the boundaries of my mind, searching for answers. The occasional words form useless questions, all unassigned to any valuable resolution. Recalling my training, I uncover my pitfalls.

Did I speak too loudly?

Did I move too confidently?

Did I show too much of myself?

I did.

I did all those things.

Stupid girl.

You know better, you do this every time!

Start again.

REFOCUS. RESET.

I can disappear, I’ll have to, the alternative is just too risky, unthinkable. Maybe I can confuse it, make it think I am going off in a different direction. I know how to camouflage, how to be invisible. Just reign in my boldness for goodness sakes, do you want to be caught again you foolish girl, found again, seen again?

In the still of the night, I dream recklessly of freedom.

To be unapologetically bold

Vibrant

Wild

Bombastic

Unthreatenable

Is it possible, after all this time to become the hunter instead of the hunted? How would that even feel? To exist with an untroubled reflection and weightless experiences.

Here we go again,

My dreams strangle my reality, leading me into the jaws of my predator.

I allowed you carelessly to creep closer and now I hear your deafening roar ringing in my ears, vibrating through my body. The sting of your grip paralyses me once again and my mind is a lost cause. A field full of thoughts have captured my heart.

My guard has retired, and I am defenceless.

As you devour me now, here is my eleventh hour plea?

Next time, can I at least get a head start? a level playing field? or just an open hand if you please.

Probably not.

Oh Anxiety, old friend, I guess this round is yours.