As I was driving home from town earlier this month, I suddenly noticed that the trees had no leaves on them. It struck me in surprise, because the last time I had noticed them, the trees were just beginning to turn colors. Time had slipped right past me, and I had flowed right along for the ride, never once paying attention to where I was going - not even lifting my head one time from what I was doing to look at the beauty of my surroundings and my favorite season. Looking back, I realize that the social media/internet break I had planned had turned into a walking fugue state.
Back in October, I wrote a poem called Battered, which took a lot out of me. I put a lot of myself into the poem, and for the first time in thirty-two years, allowed others to have a glimpse into a life that I have led. In a way, it was like ripping a huge Band-Aid off and exposing all my gaping wounds for everyone to see. Even myself.
The flood of memories that hit me was like a tsunami, a mixture of good and bad. It didn't take long before I was overwhelmed with suppressed experiences from my family life. I shut down, only associated with my daughters and my divorce lawyer because I had to (ashamed to say...) Didn't run any errands and only went to the doctor because I had to. I shut my mind down completely, blocking out the memories.
Sad to say, it isn't like I didn't know that I was floating along in this fugue-like state. I haven't done this in a long time, but I've been known to shut down when my stress, emotional, or mental levels have gotten too much for me to handle, effectively becoming a living robot. I'm usually good at keeping things under control, though, fending away the mental fog.
Honestly, I understand why I shut down. A lot has happened since October 2024; my world has been completely turned over. Beginning with my mother's death and ending with my final decision that I was done with my husband and moving out with my daughters. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster, without any stops.
On top of it all, I asked the doctor to start lowering one of my mood pills, thinking that since I wasn't with my husband anymore, my anxiety levels would lower. MISTAKE!!!! This added to my dissociative condition! Within days, I lost all focus. I just didn't care about anything outside my little circle anymore. And my circle was getting smaller and smaller.
I was able to keep my ground, though. I was able to hold on. My sanity stayed intact through it all. There were pinpricks of light that drew me from the fog, reminding me that I have a life to live outside of the mist in my mind.
Those lanterns that drew me like a moth to their flame would appear just when I needed them most. Even if all they wrote was "hi" and that they miss me, it was enough to remind me there was a life outside of the mind haze. I just had to find my way out of it.
My daughters and my best friend
Also:
Just because I haven't gotten online to write anything for Vocal doesn't mean I wasn't productive, though. Even in my haziness, I was still thinking of snippets to write down, storing them away for later. I was also doing twice the amount of cooking that I had been doing previously, since, surprisingly, food tastes better since my separation from my husband. Most astonishing to me was that I was able to pick up a crochet hook again, after over 25 years, and begin a scarf for my youngest daughter. Did I finish the scarf? Not yet, since I've had to stop every time my hands began to hurt. But I've completed a good portion.
All this activity really amazes me, honestly. I don't remember coming up with half the story ideas, but the notes are in my handwriting. I'm cooking things I've never cooked before, without a recipe. The scarf? Half the stitches I don't recall hooking together. I was in a zombie-like state, floating in and out of the mist.
I'm nowhere near my normal self. I know this. I've a long road out of the fog that enveloped my mind. My old normal will never be my new normal, after all. My life has undergone a complete change over the last year. Instead of breaking me, though, this change has only given me depth of character and strength.
Thank you always for all of your support, my Vocalite friends. All of you are awesome!
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Comments (17)
My warm thoughts as you rebuild life after such a big change. Writing will give a catharsis.
Your raw and authentic sharing is powerful medicine. Your "transformations" are inspiration, for despite all challenges you are still here with us. YAYS!!! I honour your path and for how you've made so many in the world feel less alone when we don't look or feel like everyone else (both hands raised.) Wishing you joy in spades and big hugs 💟🫂💟
Your title, "Bare Branches," provides immediate satisfaction through its alliteration. It suggests a deliberate focus on the rhythm of your prose, even though this was written for the psyche community, which I appreciate. 💖 The thought put into your first paragraph is evident. Your metaphor of "flowing along for the ride" and the paradox of a "walking fugue state" capture that lost time perfectly. I’ve missed you. Actually, we’ve missed you. Your use of metonymy, listing only your daughters and lawyer, is telling. It highlights how your world narrowed to the essentials of survival. 💖 The vocalic shift and hyperbole of "MISTAKE!!!!" Gave me a mini heart attack. I felt for you in that moment. It shows that even when we think a problem is gone, it often runs deeper. It is a powerful reminder that it’s okay to have medication guiding you through those depths. 💖
I'm sorry you felt so bad, and I didn't do much, just chatted. I am happy to see you writing again. Welcome back. The fog clears slowly. You will get yourself back. Lots of love!
This is an incredibly brave and honest reflection. The way you describe moving through life in a fog yet still creating and caring speaks to a quiet strength that runs through the entire piece.
Well-wrought and good to see you back! Having run many of life's gauntlets myself, I can understand the need to withdraw and recollect. I do it whenever I can and am always the better for it.
Aww, I’m glad you doing better! There will be up’s and downs but you are strong so will be okay! 🤗🤗🤗🤗
I am also just coming back after a break from here due to a series of reason and one of the first things I noticed was your absence. And the absence of a few more. Perhaps it's the time when many of us are regrouping, taking distance from the noise that surround us in real and virtual life. Taking some time for introspection and try some self-love. Because it's self-love what at the end heals some of the damaged parts. The writing of this is beautiful and that is hard to ignore. Despite the fog, you know how to come through. Your new self is in cocoon state now. When you will ready, you will emerge as a more beautiful and stronger butterfly than your old self, that old self does no longer serve you. It was part of your learning. Now it's your time to open your new book and write the next chapter. What you left behind was a complete book. It's Okay. It was Okay until it was no more. Stay strong. Much healing and love your way. -S
It makes me so happy to know that you're trying new recipes, and making a scarf! Yes, your old normal may not be your new normal but you're doing things you enjoy, for and with the people you love! 🥰🥰🥰 Our brain is like a computer. So sometimes, we have to shut down before we're able to function properly again. I'm glad me checking in on you made you feel a little better. Don't hesitate to text me if you ever need to talk. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
Sharon, it's good to see you here. This is a powerful story, and yet it is true. Keep your chin up. When I lost my precious son to murder, people just kept saying -you are stronger than you think. I am approaching 11 years without him,I don't if I am strong,or just numb, but the holidays are hard each year without him here. Keep strong.
Your drive to be creative is so powerful. I knew you were testing and glad to see you here. December is hard: there are many firsts. Be good to do
Hi Combs. I came here after a long gap. I hope you remember. I find those who share vulnerability as strong.
It's so very nice to see a new story from you. You've had a lot to deal with this past year and I must say that sometimes life requires you to disassociate to preserve yourself. Self-care comes in all forms and there's no right way to grieve. I love your honesty in this piece and I so admire your strength.
Welcome back, Sharon! We've missed you! Glad that you've had the space to regroup after such a tough time. Life can really give us a few hard kicks...but you've given them back, and won. And we're here to cheer you on. Hugs!
Dear Mom ~ You have heeps of 'Peer' support here in our VillageBucket. I miss your wit and daily offerings so much. Funny: You named your besties - what am I, chopped liver..! Hmm I care..! jk.stepson.in.l.a.
Sharon. I've missed you Sorry things have been so tough. I'm glad in a way you had that time to shut off everything else and concentrate on healing. I also love that you end this piece on a positive motivating thought. I just wanted to say that I hope you continue to feel more like you again soon and send you big hugs from me. 🩵
It sounds like you have been through so much! I'm happy to see you again and it's great to hear you're still writing!