Bad Manifestors

You know, we're manifesting the life we live each and every day, with the power of our minds. And since most of us are dissatisfied with life in some way, I'd venture to say, we're bad at it. There are countless books, programs, conferences, gurus, teachers, and masters available in our modern world, promising us access to the life of our dreams. Most at the click of a button! So, what's not clicking for the vast majority of us? Are we dumb? Is it too difficult? Is a 'dream life' really attainable? And who's dream is it anyway? Do we know for sure it's ours? All things I plan to explore here, if you're with me. This has plagued my mind for years, as I've been searching for the right "manifestation formula" and learning how to work the gears of my manifesting machine. Let's take a ride..

If you are paying attention to the energy of the world, you'll notice that most of us are focused on creating a life that we want to live. It used to be this very masculine way of 'building' your dream life and chasing after your dreams. But lately, as the Age of Aquarius energy starts to really set in (and we're all burning out), we're hearing more about manifesting, attracting, and a more feminine way of receiving the best life has to offer. So, why is it that we're still having trouble getting to full satisfaction? In my humble opinion [which I'll proudly refer to as my knowing] it's because we're manifesting from broken minds. We haven't yet healed our minds to the point where our actions align with our heart's desires, well enough to be attractive to our blessings. Put simply, we aren't attractive to the vibration of abundance, because we think and operate in within the vibration of lack. Then, how do we learn to think and operate from abundance, before we have it? Daily affirmations? Gratitude journaling? Yes, but the real answer is healing the mind; a healed mind is the bridge between the life you desire and the life you are currently creating. "You can't fix a problem with the same brain that caused it," is one of my favorite quotes when addressing the manifesting "issue." We'll never be able to think or affirm our way into better manifesting, we have to outsource the healing. In fact, I'm quite certain that to fix the mind we have to recruit the spirit. Feeling our way through healing. #feelingforhealing LOL.

In 2019, I began looking for better ways to heal. I had gone through intensive transformation programs, read self-help books, listened to podcasts and so much more, yet I still felt like I hadn't even scratched the surface of healing my damaged psyche. I was a happy person overall, but I had unexplained angry episodes, I overindulged in sweets, I didn't make the money I knew I could, I had short relationships that weren't fulfilling, and I often dealt with depression. So, I started paying attention to the guidance I was getting about different healing modalities and tools. When I heard about plant medicine and psychedelics, for some reason my ears perked up. Of course, living in LA, I had tried hot yoga, journaling, kundalini and breathwork sessions, along with my routine meditation, and they all felt great, but I knew I needed something more intense. Through various sources, plant medicine and psychedelic expansion states (aka 'taking trips') kept coming up. Naturally, reading research articles online and watching documentary after documentary about ayahuasca, psilocybin, MDMA, Ketamine, and LSD became my new hobby. I was consuming information on plant medicine daily for almost six months, and I still hadn't tried any of it. (Not usually how I work, because I like to test things out ASAP.) The drawback for me was, I was a former drug addict. I stood toe-to-toe with that beast in 2012 and took it down. So, my mind told me that I shouldn't try it, because drugs were almost my demise. But wait, entheogens aren't drugs, from what I'd learned in the documentaries and readings. So, what was the problem? Fear.. Fear, was the problem. My mind feared going back to a bad place that took so much from me in the past, becuase it couldn't make the distinction between drug and entheogen. I needed something outside of my mind that could send a message that it was okay to explore this avenue.

Because of all the time I took thinking about and researching plant medicine healing, my conversations started to shift towards the topic. Because of the focus of energy I was giving to this particular subject, it came up often and someone in my circle eventually offered me their personal experience and offered me psilocybin. I had manifested the opportunity to take the next step. Also, now was my chance to use something other than my brain. How did I now feel about taking the plant medicine? Turns out my spirit signaled it was ready! It felt like the right choice for me. My mind was only going to get me so far, before I had to feel the direction of my next step through my spirit. My body, working together in all of its parts, was intelligent (and open) enough to recognize that it was magic of my own creation, through alignment of my thoughts and actions, to put me in the position to effortlessly be given what I had been studying. Put simply, I manifested a nudge from the Universe saying, "just try it out, already." So I did.

There aren't many ways to desribe healing through plant medicine, because so much of it is an overpowering, life-enhancing, magnificent feeling. So many feelings. Ones that can only be accessed by taking the journey yourself. But I can explain this: it quickly reprogrammed my mind for healing, love, joy and abundance. In a matter of weeks, I had healed a broken heart that I had been trying to overcome for a full year. And for years after, I worked through issues in my subconscious like a madwoman. I got through decades of trauma in a matter of a couple of years. Some trips were expansive and I was in other worlds experiencing the magnanimity of the Universe. While other journeys focused on shadow work, and I experienced the most horrific scary movie, starring me and everyone I knew. [Removing the blinders that hide the things we have buried or overlooked in life, is a heavy theme in psychedelic healing.] The medicine guides you to see, feel, and work through things in your subconscious that you need to, but only when you're ready. There are layers to peel back.

After almost three years and many entheogens later, I'm convinced it may be the only way for some of us to heal our minds. What happened to me during those expanded states showed me things beyond our world (hence the word expanded) and really put my life into perspective. There's just so much more out there, than what we can access on the 3D using our limited brainpower. Plant medicine removes the veil between worlds and allows the individual partaking, a glimpse into the limitless possibility of everything. That alone was enough to change my thinking when I came back from those expanded states. I began to look at life much differently. I began to let go of the pain I was holding. I was able to destroy sectors of my subconscious that had been controlled by a hurt and scared seven-year-old. I began to experience the magnificence and power of my full soul essence, and brought that back down to this dimension. I felt powerful, abundant, supported, and loved. This is what healed my mind for manifesting a life that was alinged with my heart's desire.

Then, one day it hit me. I was living my life, trying to fulfill my purpose, in methods that were from my old programming. Did I really want to own a business, or did my ego feel better saying I did? Yes, I did truly want to help and inspire people, but the way in which to do it, had shifted. I realized the ins and outs of running a business actually exhausted me. The constant selling of myself to my clients felt less and less aligned with who I was. So again, I began searching for more. I began searching for me.. I eventually decided that whatever brought me joy, is what I'd do, and I've been on that path ever since. I've lost family relationships, I've lost friends, I've lost clients and money. I even lost my home as a result of staying true to living in joy, and manifesting the life I want, instead of what someone else tells me I want. Much like the maxim of alchemy, ‘solve et coagula,’ I had to first tear down my old life, to begin building my new one. What I've gained is a new perspective. One that says the joy I feel doesn't come from the size of my house, what car I drive, or from trading my life for dollars. It doesn't come from me making myself small to keep peace in a friendship, or concealing my truth to get on amicably with family members. What I've gained is true happiness. Sure, I still love spending money and enjoying the finer things in life, but my happiness doesn't come from those things, those things come from my happiness. My joy comes from being the wonderful, powerful co-creator of my life, my way. A way that includes healing and living for me, while inspiring others to do the same. That's the change I want to see in the world.

Breaking through subconscious programming is the most difficult challenge I've ever taken on.. and I quit meth cold-turkey. But it's the only way I am now able to properly co-create the life I desire. It's the only way we'll be able to efficiently co-create a better world for our children and grandchildren on a collective level. But if you're looking for the flaw in your manifestation formula, it's propbably your mind. They are right when they say 'all is mind' and 'mind over matter,' so doesn't it make sense have our minds as healed, open, and expanded as possible? To understand on a soul level, the infinite possibilty of the Universe that lies within each of us, is a power no one can take away. And to create a reality from that perspective is marvelous magic! Why should we spend our days worrying about things that haven't happened and planning for things that could go wrong? Living in fear, is creating a horror story for a life. We are all made up of both the earth and the stars (matter and energy), giving us the power to create the life we most envision (matter from energy). So if all we see are problems, all we'll get is problems. But if we heal, expand, connect, and stay open to the infinite possibilities, we see lessons for growth, challenges that make us stronger, and eventually abundance, love and joy is all that surrounds us. Bringing more of what we truly desire, into our physical realities.

Now, that's what I call being a good manifestor.