Atychiphobia

Kristen Dutton’s article, Achievemephobia, inspired this piece.

I’m afraid.

And this fear has only led me to continual social alienation, causing me to be the least involved in public life as I write this. A self-induced ‘social distancing,’ if you will.

But unlike my anxiety, a fear of failure, or Atychiphobia, has only worsened my preexisting disorder.

Yes.

I have an intense fear of failure.

My mom sat with me three years ago and gave a long speech about my career stagnation. I guess this was her long-form version of calling me a loser. And because I’ve always been so ambitious – aspiring to be rich, even famous one day, I took her speech harshly.

I had failed to become what she thought I would be by 20.

I hadn't done anything wrong, but me losing my passion and the drive to be successful figuratively left her questioning what was next. I skipped out on finishing my undergraduate degree and was working odd jobs here and there – nothing that matched my lifelong desire to be a painter.

Over the next couple of years, I developed severe mental blockages.

I hated what I wrote, so I didn’t write.

I thought my drawings were wrong, so I stopped drawing.

And due to self-sabotage, I tried making friends... then prevented the relationship from going anywhere.

You see, people with Atychiphobia are similar to those with Achievemephobia.

If I start something, I’m afraid of failing, so I avoid doing it altogether. But if I succeed at something, I sabotage myself from continuing to do it so I don’t bite more off than I can chew.

This is one of the many reasons I haven’t published an article in almost a year.

Then again, digital perfection and online virality have only jaded my thoughts of pursuing writing full-time.

What if people hate my writing?

Or worse... What if no one even reads it?

It’s a mental game.

This growing fear has only caused my suicidality to become more apparent. And since going over this many times, I don’t feel the need to sugarcoat things anymore.

Like Dutton, I have become a “Jack of all trades, master of none.” I’ve applied for many jobs out of my skillset to have that perfect job title on LinkedIn or something cool to say when meeting new people.

I’ve always liked learning new things, but now I only use it as a coping mechanism to compensate for the lost time.

I’ve even started a blog, but not necessarily since I’ve only bought my domain name. I haven’t published any content yet because I’m afraid it will flop.

It’s like looking into the void—the unknown.

I fear not knowing how people will perceive my work. I fear what it will feel like If I don’t get everything I desire. I fear what it will feel like when I have no more choices and that I have to settle for what is left.

That very fear of letting my child self down even when he thought he would be bigger than he could ever know.

But what can I say?

The only reason I’m here today is because of failure.

I've never learned so much about myself through this stillness of being alone, surrounded by my thoughts 24/7. I don’t think I’m meant to live a “narrow” life because I’ve only thrived in mental chaos due to failure and rejection.

Then again, I have to decide what I value in life and what I define as ‘success’ for myself and not through the lenses of everyone else.

I don’t believe in fate because I do not feel I am in control of my own life. I despise the idea that a 'higher force' has already predetermined everything I’ll ever experience.

That shit scares me.

But I’d be damned if I didn’t have a little fun tricking myself into believing that losing another opportunity was meant to happen.