Asking For Help

Lot’s of people have a hard time asking for help for all kinds of different reasons. Such as embarrassment, shyness, pride etc. my problem with asking for help started when I was young, I was scared of asking for help at school in case people judged me for not knowing a lot, for not being as smart as everyone else. Honestly, I didn’t realise I even had a problem asking for help until it was pointed out on a parents evening to my mother.

From that point on I tried to ask for help a little more and that’s when the school realised that I could be dyslexic. They got me to do some tests and found out I was indeed dyslexic. I was kind of annoyed with myself if I hadn’t have been too shy to ask for help we could have known about this a lot sooner and been able to help me sooner deal with it and get extra help. But finding out didn’t really help me because I let it get me down too much I stopped pushing myself to complete academic work due to not believing I could do it and what would be the point in trying.

I soon got over that when I failed all my exams, my mother wasn’t disappointed in me she said that she knows I tried my hardest and I did but I could have tried harder. I was determined to try harder in college, but it made it difficult noting being able to get on to the course I had set my heart on due to not having the grades. Eventually they managed to get me on an art course, so I decided to make it work for me. I was going to work hard and pay attention; I was going to fight for every opportunity I could get my hands on.

This didn’t mean I wasn’t going to have fun, I was meeting new people and making new friends. I was going to work hard but still have fun doing it. I worked hard my first year and it really paid off, I passed my English and maths exams. But I failed to pass my level two English, my English teacher managed to convince them that based on how hard I worked and all the extra work I had been doing that I should be put forward for the level three.

When she told me, she had done this it made me feel happy that someone was on my side backing my corner, but did it based on the hard work I put in. I really only did all the work because I love English, I enjoy writing and reading just because I may not always be particularly good at it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. Whereas maths comes naturally to me I enjoy it too, but I find it easier to understand than using punctuation. I have published my first book and have four more in the works I try to read as much as I can. Even to this day I am still thankful for things such as auto correct and apps like Grammarly. Some punctuation I understand but a lot of it I really don’t.

One of my biggest regrets about finding it hard to ask for help is when it has come down to my physical and mental health. Up till about four years ago I would rarely go to the doctors, because whenever I would go I was treated like a dumb child who didn’t know anything or that I was making it up so in the end I just learnt to deal with anything that happened. Which meant my mental health such as my anxiety and depression went on for years before I tried to seek any kind of help.

I struggled with crippling headaches for years, chomping down on over the counter painkillers which never helped. The only thing that helped was closing my self in a blacked to room and going to sleep. Sleep soon became my way of dealing with a lot of things. I only decided to start seeking help for my health when I got into a relationship with my fiancé. I suddenly I was a lot more confident and wanted to finally sort myself out.

Sadly, enough doctors hadn’t changed much and I found out that there wasn’t a whole lot out there for people with mental health issues. Other than talking to someone or paying for therapy or trying medication that doesn’t have a guarantee to work plus the doctors are always very reluctant to go straight in with medication. That is unless of course you start crying and begging making you feel even more embarrassed.

I found out the hard way that there really isn’t much they can or will do for you once it gets really bad. I am now to the point of not being able to leave my home, constantly scared of everything, having constant meltdowns and bursting in to tears whenever my body feels like it. All they can do for me is tell me to persist with medication that’s not helping me and talk to a complete stranger on the phone. I find it hard to talk to my own family members on the phone, I struggle to talk to anyone about my feelings. I’m not even sure I understand my own feelings anymore.

It has really opened my eyes to the fact that even if someone is able to help there isn’t much out there so what’s the point. They really can’t accommodate for people who fear leaving their home. I have already ran millions of scenarios through my head, what if this is my life now? What will I do when I have children? What’s going to happen when I’m pregnant and can’t even go to my scans or for check-ups? What happens if I develop a serious illness? How will I even know if I have anything?

Well I don’t have to wait years for one of these things to happen. Recently me and my partner were in a car accident due to the other driver not adhering to the highway code or paying attention. If my partner hadn’t have reacted so quickly it could have ended really bad but luckily it didn’t. But we have still ended up with real bad whiplash, but my doctors are hardly whiling to help me unless they can see me in person and examine me. But there is this one doctor who always goes above and beyond for her patients, she said as long as I could get over there she would do her best to examine me in the car park while I sat in the car. Which was really nice of her, but it did mean that there wasn’t much she could do.

The day after the accident happened we were starting to get a bit worried due to the fact I was experiencing chest pains and tightness of the chest. So, we called 111 to ask for their advice. They got a clinic to give me a call back and based on the information I gave them they wanted me to go straight to hospital within the hour. As soon as we hung up the call my fiancé sprung into action to try and find us a way of getting there due to not being able to drive our car. He was ready to pack a bag for me just in case.

All I did was stand there trebling with fear, fear of leaving my safe space, fear of going to hospital, fear of it being something serious. My body was paralysed with fear, I trembled with weakness in his arms as he tried to calm me. It only got worse my eyes burned with tears my throat and mouth dried up and my heart painfully raced. The only thing we could do to stop the panic attack was to decide I was not going, I could go, forcing myself to go could cause more stress on my body and heart, it could have made it even worse for me.

I was scared, I was disappointed in myself. I really thought that when it came down to my health that I would be able to push past my fears and my anxiety, but it came to the hard reality that I was not in control. I had really let anxiety take the steering wheel. The look on my fiancé’s face was heart breaking he said that he felt so helpless, but it wasn’t his fault far from forcing me to go and having me shaking, sobbing, possibly ending up in a seizer or worse what could he actually do? We called 111 back and told them I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t.

When the clinic called me back the second time they told me it was okay I was probably going to be fine, but they couldn’t really do anything for me. they couldn’t send anyone out just to give me a check over. Apparently it was urgent enough for me to go straight to hospital but not urgent enough for them to come and see me. we had already been infuriated with the doctor who said on the day of the accident that due to my anxiety all it was mostly physiological which obviously made me terribly angry but that’s a different story.

If you need help please ask for it time will only make it worse without help.