Are you a narcissist?

"Am I a narcissist?

Chances are, if you made it this far in the article the answer to your question is no. You are not a narcissist.

My therapist once told me, "Shipwreck, if you are questioning whether or not you are a narcissist then I assure you, you are not. If you were? You wouldn't be bothered with wondering."

That was just one of the many eye opening moments I had in my year of therapy. So, if you made it this far, stick around.

I have a feeling if you are asking yourself that question? There is a reason why and it has nothing to do with you.

Let's talk phrases first.

"You're so sensitive!"

"It's just a joke, come on. You know I was kidding!"

"Why are you taking it so seriously? Chill out."

"What about YOUR issues?"

"You made me..."

"You're the only one who thinks that!!"

"You're crazy, I never said/did that!"

"I'm sorry, but you did....to make me say/do it!"

These are just a few of the most common phrases a narcissist will use in order to deflect from their own shitty behavior and place the blame back on you. Narcissist never own up to their own behavior at more than face value because they see no issues with the way they are, meaning they have no intention on changing that.

They are unwilling or simply unable to self reflect and take ownership of their bad behavior. Some studies have shown that narcissism can be a natural born personality trait while other have proven it comes from trauma, or more pointedly, childhood trauma.

Narcissists lack the ability to have any kind of empathy towards anything although if the situation calls for it, can put on a show better than any Broadway actor. That's what makes being on the receiving end of a narcissist so devastating.

They put up a great front in public which further negates your own feelings about what's happening. They can make you feel bad, for them hurting your feelings and everyone around them will agree because "it was just a joke" and the narcissist has charmed them all into thinking they are always the good guy.

Been there before?

If you made it this far now, I'm assuming you have. So let me just say this now incase you decide to close out before reading to the end.

Are you ready?

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

It's not your fault they cheated on you, even if you drove them away, didn't pay enough attention to them or whatever other bullshit excuse they give you. Their actions are not your responsibility. Walk away.

It's not your fault if your feelings were hurt by a "joke" they made. You're not being too sensitive, your feelings are just as valid as anyone else and if they were hurt by the words of a narcissist that doesn't make you sensitive. It makes them cruel. Walk away.

You're not crazy for remembering what happened even when they're trying to gaslight you into thinking it didn't. Walk away.

WALK AWAY.

The sooner you recognize the cliché statement of it's not you, it's them, the easier it will be to start finding yourself again.

You see, a narcissist has a way of making you feel like no matter what you do, you'll never be able to make it without them. That you're not worthy of being your own person with your own thoughts and passions and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to break free. The more you'll start to doubt yourself and believe them.

So we've recognized what it is, now how do you do it? How do you walk away? Especially if it's parents or a spouse? Well, it's tricky but you have every right to start.

Still here? Keep reading..

If the person you are dealing with is a friend, family member or otherwise someone who doesn't live with you or that you have to directly deal with on a day to day basis, initiate a no contact rule.

This can be as simple as not answering when they call or come to your door. Not responding to texts or emails or even go as far as blocking them from hitting your inbox all together so you're not tempted. No contact is tough, especially if the relationship has long history and you're quick to give into guilt.

You can give them a reason for no contact or you can just do it. The choice is yours and you don't owe anyone an explanation. There is no "closure" that you're going to get from a narcissist, expect that. They'll forever see your attempt at closure as a foot in the door to come back. You'll have to do the work to find closure within yourself.

Is the person family?

Let me ask you a question, are you a female who doesn't get along with other females? Or would rather spend free time with "the guys"?

Let me ask you something else, when you were a kid, did you have a toxic mother? A toxic best girl friend?

Did that hit a little?

Because it did me when my therapist said it. I had never connected those dots. Mother shipwreck is a classic narcissist. Right down to the letter but I didn't learn that until just a few years ago.

As a child, I thought it was normal and everyone's mom sent their 7 year old alone to weight watcher meetings filled with people in their 40's. I thought it was normal to "poke fun" at people as a term of endearment or to expose others insecurities in a public manner in order to get a laugh or fit in.

As a young adult, I figured out that kind of behavior was cruel and stopped doing it. Why would I intentionally hurt the people I care about? That's also how I knew (and you know) that we're not narcissists.

So what if your narcissist is immediate family? What if you're still living with them?

Living with a narcissistic parent or spouse is probably the hardest situation to be in. Unless you're an adult or in a relationship that doesn't involve say children, you can't just cut them out as you would someone who doesn't affect your everyday being. When there are other people or circumstances are involved, simply (or not so simply) walking away and cutting all communication isn't realistic. But there are things you can do.

First: Recognize what's happening and accept that you're not the problem.

This one is going to take some deep self reflection and confidence in yourself. Being able to stand whole in your own worth while others around you are constantly picking away at your self esteem takes strength like you've probably never known. An easy first step is knowing what's happening and not feeding into it. There is no point in arguing with a narcissist. They will never admit they are wrong and they will never apologize to you sincerely. Accept it and keep yourself whole.

Stop wasting energy trying to get them to see your point of view or how hurt you are. In their eyes, they are the victim, not you.

Second: Talk to someone you trust

Whether it's professional counseling, the school guidance counselor or even a close friend. Talk to someone about what is going on, professional therapists often have great ways to help you navigate your situation and sometimes it's just relieving to know that someone out there understands what you're going through and knows who you really are and not how the narcissist is presenting you as.

Lastly: Find you

Take some time and think about what lights your fire. What are YOU passionate about. What are somethings that YOU want to try. Focus on you. Did you ever dream of being an actor or actress? Get involved in your schools or community theater.

Enjoy writing? Start a blog 😉 Write about your experience, get it all out there. You don't even have to use your real name but you might find out you're not alone and support online from people who understand can be a godsend. Join FB groups and discuss ways to cope and make new friends. You'd be surprised at how quickly your confidence builds when you stop living for the narcissists' and start living for yourself.

The key to escaping a narcissist is obviously distance but if you're unable to for whatever reason then you need to make sure that you keep your self esteem bucket filled with things you enjoy in life.

You are important. Your feelings and emotions matter. Just as much as theirs or anyone else. This is a good time to find some boundaries and hold people to them.

Just because it's "family" or "that's just the way they are" doesn't mean you have to sit quietly and tolerate the abuse. Leave.

You matter most. Never forget that.