An Insane Voice

Sometimes, life has a cunning way of teaching you a lesson. In my expireince, the most prudent lessons that I have learned were dealt by a firm hand. I have been struck down and risen up, only to be beat back again. It was a pernicious cylce of self-reliance which finally came to an abrupt end. I dont know if it was grace, ignorance, or my own ego, but here I am, writing to you a "changed" man. Back then, in a twisted way, I found solace in my own destruction. Outside of instinctual drive, I beleive there to be no true answer as to why people do what they do, espeically when it comes to alcohol and drug addiction.

At 23, I was relatively young when I got sober. I had struggled with substance use disorder since the age of 13 and was physically addicted to several substances by the time I achieved complete abstinence.

On the day which I entered a detox program I was ingesting significant amounts of opiates (heroin and prescription painkillers), alcohol, benzodiazepines, and cocaine. This had been going on for years at this point, I was off to the races at age 14 when I had my first taste of Oxycontin. Upon arrival into this ramshackle detox I was in physical withdrawal from the opiates, benzodiazepines, and alcohol while the cocaine withdrawal caused its classic mental anguish to boot.

At this time, complete abstinence from narcotics and alcohol was never appealing, even the day which I put it all down I did not do so with the intent of truly stopping everything. It was my umpteenth detox, I was doing the rounds, again, in hopes of really, “figuring it out.” I thought there would be some trick that one of these treatment providers or therapists could bestow upon me in order for me to drink and use drugs, casually, like “those normal people” do.

Sure, my life was miserable, I looked skeletal and malnourished, I had caused pain and suffering to essentially everyone with whom I came into contact with, but life without ANYTHING? I couldn’t fathom it. I saw opiates as a necessity, I saw alcohol and benzodiazepines as an opiate-enhancer, and the cocaine, well, the cocaine was my lifeline, in case I did too much it would kick me right back up to baseline.

My experience shows countless attempts at control, at management of one, maybe two substances. I thought that if I could just put the opiates down, then maybe, just maybe I can finally go have that infamous “one drink.” That’s all that I wanted, one drink, one joint, you know, the light stuff.

The problem was, I was incapable of doing so. I needed it all, I was completely and utterly unable to abstain from opiates while I vainly attempted to drink and use drugs recreationally.

Some may call it weakness, or perhaps carelessness rooted in selfishness. Some may even question my intelligence. But addiction is a baffling and unique creature, a creature with a very manipulative voice. Whatever the case may be, If I was using anything then you could rest assured that at any given time I was physically dependent on several substances.

For a closer look I will give you a look at the train of thought, or “conversation with my addiction,” that was present when I subsequently took that first sip/hit/line of (insert alcohol/drug name here).

Addiction: “Okay so I know you were just in treatment, your mom is livid, your dad’s confused, your girlfriend wants her money and time back, but let’s be more mindful this time. We cannot, and I mean cannot let that happen again. You cause far too much harm and are going to wind up homeless and unemployed, oh and school, that’s not happening either if you keep this up.”

Me: “Oh of course, I’m really happy that you're saying this by the way. Because I completely agree. That was a nightmare, I was so sick, not too mention I looked horrendous. I'm too young to already look grey like that, you know what? It's time to get back to the gym.”

Addiction: “The gym! That’s it!”

Me: “That’s it? That’s what? What do you mean?

Addiction: The gym! That’s the oen thing that you weren’t doing before. Remember when you got out of rehab last time? You weren’t going to the gym, you were just going to AA meetings here and there and working. Being happy is about health and wellness, don’t you see those people who go to the gym? They have endorphins man. Endorphins.”

Me: “You couldn’t be more right. The gym will be the answer this time. So, where do we start for fun? You know, after I go to the gym and stuff.”

Addiction: “You can’t go out there and start using heroin again, obviously.”

Me: “Obviously.”

Addiction: “Then just do what the people at the gym do. You know, have a drink after work, a couple on the weekends watching the game, and like on Christmas, stuff like that. Oh, they also smoke weed too, maybe vape it, yeah vape it, it’s healthier.”

Me: “Right. Vaping is so much healthier, I've read that cannabis reduces inflammation so I’ll be able to heal quicker after the gym. And also, it's a place to network, maybe I'll just grab some drinks with the new freinds that I make at the gym.

Addiction: “That’s the idea. I can’t believe you didn’t think of this earlier. Well, better late than never. You have a new start!”

Me: “I’m so happy that all that foolish nonsense is over. I’m going to get a better job, go back to college, find a nice girl, I’m really going to make my family proud. Alright, I’ll talk to you later, I’m going to the gym.”

Me: (Smoking a joint after the gym): “I’m going to head out to grab a drink with someone I met at the gym, would you like to come?”

Addiction: “Obviously.”

Me: (At the bar ordering second drink): “This is the way to do it, I’m pretty tired though, let’s head home.”

Addiction: “Let’s get out of here, might as well grab some beer on the way home, incase you have guests and such, you seem to make friends rather quickly.”

Me: “Good point.”

Addiction: (At the liquor store): Grab some whiskey too, some people don’t like beer.”

Me: (Upon returing home): “Today was great, I feel amazing, I’m going to start eating well and get in fantastic shape.”

Addiction: “I’m proud of you and I'm excited for what’s to come, let’s have a drink before bed.”

(A shot of whisky and 5 beers later)

Me: “I’ve drank quite a bit today, but that’s okay, I’m celebrating the start of a new way of life.”

Addiction: “Your rebirth.”

Me: “I was thinking though, my back kind of hurts, maybe I went too hard at the gym. I’m going to take a couple painkillers to manage the pain.”

Addiction: “Good idea.”

Me: “I’m just going to take this on an as-prescribed basis.”

Addiction: “But they’re not precri-... never-mind, sounds like a plan.”

Me: “I took too much, I need to wake up. Any ideas?”

Addiction: “Call that guy.”

Me: “I’m just going to do a line or two, save the rest in case this ever happens again. God forbid.”

Addiction: “God forbid.”

Me: “I need to be at work early, but I can’t sleep, I need something to take the edge off.”

Addiction: “Call that guy.”

Me: “These benzos usually do the trick, I will only take a half of a Xanax to start.”

Addiction: “Save some time, just crush up the whole pill. You need rest.”

And so it goes, another cycle of addiction in it early stages. Not too long after such a chain of events I will be dependent on the drugs and booze while being utterly unable to control my intake. I will have moments of appeared control but in the end, damage will progress, my addiction will prevail. I end up harming people close to me because I will do anything I can for that next fix. At the end of every run I will be left wondering: where did I go wrong?

For me it’s an all or nothing deal, a blessing in disguise, really. But while in the midst of it all, it’s a nightmare. I cannot pick and choose my addictions, rather, I collect them. Collectivity, alcohol and drugs brought me to a crossroads, a divide where I had two alternatives, to either continue on, or throw my hands up and say: "I don’t have the answers, what do I do?"

If you are reading this and are currently in the midst of a battle of your own, just remember that the answers may not be found in your mind, you simply might not be able to think your way out of it. But if my experience is any testament, there is hope and you are not alone.

Addiction has a peculiar way of speaking to us, it speaks in a swift and matter-of-fact way that seems logical in the moment. Addiction has the ability to speak to us like a friend, one who relates to us and is there by our side. But when we are left alone with nothing, often times you can find yourself wondering, "what it is that is wrong with me?" In the end, the voice of addiction is one of isolation and belittlement. Sometimes you just need a moment to see the insanity in such a voice.