An excerpt

You open your eyes, sighing you come to the realization you aren't dead. Staring at the ceiling, many thoughts cross your mind, ranging from intense emotions such as hatred to elation, there are thoughts of death, why you aren't fucking good enough, and lastly death. There it is again, always in your life like a dark, gloomy cloud stalking you around. Today could be the day. You decide to finally get out of bed, the sheets haven't been washed in weeks, if not months. The floor is strewn with dirty plates, empty cans, and dirty clothes. The ashtray on your nightstand is almost over flowing, ashes all over the places, especially the floor when you were too lazy to ash. Posters cover the tar stained walls, black out curtains cover the windows, you aren't even sure what time of day it is. On your desk you find the cruddy old school alarm clock, that barely works. I states 3:00. You open the murky curtains to see it's dark outside.

The moon is beautiful, round, and bright. You slept 12 hours again, this has been a reoccurring theme in recent events. Recalling that you were uppity manic for 3 weeks and couldn't sleep for what seemed like days at a time. You hear chatter coming from the living room. Sighing, you grab a pair of leggings off of the chair in front of your vanity. When was the last time you decided to look halfway decent? You sniff the leggings, not sure when the last time they were washed, they smelt okay at best, you slide them on. Staring in the mirror, you check yourself out, hair is a mess, has knots all through out, teeth stained yellow, pimples and a uni brow forming, dirt underneath your fingernails. Shrugging, you don't even bother to drag a brush through all the knots, you pull your hair in a messy bun. You haven't showered in 3 days and counting.

At some point after debating on even leaving your bedroom you make it to the kitchen. When was the last time you had something to eat that wasn't a granola bar, a cheese stick, or fast food. Dishes are piled sky high, the counters are covered in sludge and slime, your floors are covered in crumbs, cat fur, and dirt. You look in the fridge that is for lack of a better word, disgusting, rotting food, leftovers, and grime. Not able to decide you close the fridge door and head to the cupboards and grab a bag of chips. You flop on the couch and flip the tv on. You change the channels several times until you get to something you can tolerate. Cable is absolutely terrible for the price we pay.

The tv is more for background, you pull out your phone and start scrolling through your socials, it's like the fridge situation nothing on there that's new. People bitching about there trivial unimportant lives. You find yourself comparing yourself to others who appear more successful than you, to the point you definitely don't feel good about yourself at this point. Hours pass as you switch between apps.

At some point you end up in the restroom, and start some bath water. Took you so much effort and persuasion just to attempt to bathe. Surprisingly, there isn't too much filth in this room. It's messy for sure, but pleasant. You sink into the tub, the bubbles, and your thoughts. Before entering the bathroom you grabbed a razor blade, the temptation to end your life laying on the edge of the tub. You start by lathering some shampoo into your hair, soaking in the scent of the soap. You lean back as the shampoo does its job, steam coming off of your body,smiling and enhaling the fragrances surrounding yourself. Feeling pride, you grab your loofa and body wash, pouring just enough to cleanse your body. Deciding whether to masturbate or to slit your wrists, you ponder, who would care? You decide on the first option.

You've done enough for the day, you decide to lay down and close your eyes.