Akward and Healing

(Trigger Warning)

This past Wednesday I went to see a therapist for the first time in my life. Let me tell you, it was definitely and experience. There is something about walking into a room and knowing that you can tell the person in front of you anything and they wont judge you. But, when the words start flowing from your mouth it leaves you feeling raw and vulnerable. I pealed away the shell and gave him a very limited synopsis of my life story but even just saying that out loud made me do a self reflection.

There is always the excuses we give ourselves to tear yourself down. The "you haven't been through that much," and "You are making a big deal out of nothing." But, when you lay your experiences out like a storyboard and put all the pieces in place, you begin to realize that this little thing here, and this bit there, all add up into a whole lot of big things everywhere.

My Laundry List of Trauma:

~Parents Divorced at age 9 (big deal, lots of families divorce)

~Mother became an alcoholic (lots of people have alcoholic parents)

~Mother became a drug addict (not as many but plenty of people have addicts for parents)

~Mother Overdosed 8 days after my 16th birthday (Ok lots of people lose a parent you could be worse off)

~Having no decision over your college major and killing yourself working part time to keep pushing through school for a future that you will hate (boo-hoo you are lucky you had the opportunity to go to college, many don't)

~Dropping out of College because you were having panic attacks every other day and your health was suffering (again you were lucky to have the opportunity)

~Working Fulltime barely able to pay the bills while being taken advantage of by your employers (at least I have a job and a roof over my head)

~Moving to Colorado for a "Fresh Start" for my roommate to not pay her half of the rent and my credit destroyed maxing out credit cards or not making payments. (Again, you have a roof over your head)

~Meeting a guy with a kid who seemed really loving and wanted to do what was best for his son he was just struggling and needed help. Once you have fallen in love with his son he showed his true colors.

~Boyfriend would get blackout drunk all the time saying terrible things about you and how you are "lucky he loves you" then when he wakes up in the morning he love bombs you keeping you in the toxic cycle (at least he loves you)

~Boyfriend wants a caretaker and to be able to just sit at home, drink and play video games. Leaves giant messes then blames you for not keeping the house clean. Makes you feel like you are the one who is at fault (I mean, I wanted to keep the house clean too)

~Boyfriend starts forcing you to drink with him, when you refuse he gets angry breaking things, so you drink to calm him down (I need to loosen up anyways)

~You are browning out from the drinking and just want to sleep. you come in and out of consciousness as he is forcing himself on you. you are crying begging him to stop. He just says shut up and take it bitch. You wake up in the morning naked under the covers but the night before was so much of a blur that you weren't sure it wasn't just a nightmare and he was blacked out and didn't remember a thing (Your in a relationship, its not rape if its in a relationship)

~His buddy comes to stay with you guys for a bit, wasn't told when agreeing to let him stay that his friend was a drug dealer and would give your boyfriend drugs instead of rent money. (we can pay the bills on our own and we are helping him out until he finds his own place, guess this way he can save up quicker)

~Boyfriend begins doing said drugs almost every night, the drugs make him horny but he is rough and you don't want to have sex with him but he gets angry again and you want his anger to stop, you grit and bear it and hope he finishes quickly (we are in a relationship we are obligated to have sex)

~Each times it happens it is miserable and you put the line down that you wont have sex with him when he does drugs. He says doing drugs is the only way he is interested in having sex with you. (something must be wrong with me)

~You withhold sex for long enough that he loses his patience. You are dead asleep and are awoken by your pants being pulled down and him forcing himself into you, you scream, you cry, you beg and he doesn't stop. The next morning he love bombs you and jokingly says "poor sweet girl I raped you" like that word has no meaning and is just some joke (Its my fault, I should have just let him get what he wanted)

~After a drunken episode the buddy who is staying with us punches the glass cover for the fire extinguisher in the hallway tearing his hand to pieces and bleeding everywhere. Your boyfriend chases him around the building trying to get him to come inside to wrap up his hand. You clean up the glass from the hallway and clean the blood off the hallway walls and the door to the outside. You are calm in crisis. The buddy then proceeds to get blood all over your apartment making it look like a crime scene. The next morning he doesn't remember what happened just sees his hand and apologizes, he moved out a week later (well at least he is gone)

~You thought the drug problem is over, but now that it is no longer free he begins to blow all of his money on drugs forcing you to cover all the bills yourself or blaming you for spending too much on food when he spent his whole paycheck on drugs and booze. His anger is at an all time high and you are scared. He keeps trying to get you to do the drugs with him, when his anger at your resistance hits a peak you finally give in. You have a terrible time and wish it would pass through your system quickly, and then he forces himself on you again and you feel sick. After, you cant sleep, your mind is flipping out and you just want the world to stop. This happens several times after. (You could have always told him no, you are the one who caved in)

~You finally hit the point that if you stay in the relationship much longer you will end your life, you get a new job, your boss notices the emotional damage right away and rips you from the relationship. you move all of your things out while he is out of town for work. leaving feels painful, you look at yourself in the mirror and realize that he erased every piece of you that made you who you were. All that is left was a shell (if I was stronger I could have gotten out sooner)

I have consistently had the bad habit of belittling everything I have experienced. This was a laundry list and admittedly I wrote more detail than I told my therapist in that first session, we will probably get to it this Wednesday at my next appointment. It was a relief to share the things I had never told anyone, for my experiences to be acknowledged as what they were. But it was also like a fresh wound. I had belittled my experiences and then finally acknowledging them for what they truly were was a whole new level of pain, grief, darkness. I am trying to get back onto the right path and I hope at least one person will read this and follow me on my journey.

T minus 2 days until my next session, I am not ready.