ADHDemons

Here are some reflections on anger and frustration, in relation to ADHD after a lot of reading and research, to create a structure to follow.

“ADHDemons”

I have a limited executive function. Keeping my finger on the pulse of my emotions is vital. I use parts theory/IFS to track different aspects of myself rising to the surface.

https://www.nacc.org/vision/2015-sep-oct/internal-family-systems-understanding-the-self-using-parts-theory-by-marika-hanushevsky-hull/

I think all humans should view anger as something they are required to define for themselves and make an internal agreement to uphold this definition. For me: Anger is an emotion that indicates what is very important to me. It is not “bad,” t’s a sensation that I should not judge as good or bad any more than the sensation of the wind blowing across my skin. Anger may also be the ONLY emotion that mobilizes a person who struggles with mobilization. So it is very important not to avoid or suppress anger, but to work very diligently with anger. To agree with myself that it is very important and to invite/welcome anger in to the fold as a crucial part of the self. Avoiding it is to be thrown around by the waves with no way to steer or reach a destination.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/anger

So this incredibly mobilizing anger sensation happens and I have one job: to race toward the “throttle” with 100% of my limited executive function, because if it escalates enough my executive function could be reduced to zero and I may cause harm to my relationships or to my own life and responsibilities. The warrior part of me is racing me to this control because the warrior part of me is running fast and fierce to save my life and will burn everything in its wake that seems like any kind of threat.

So when I am calm and collected, I must make an agreement with myself that in these moments, I have one job. To get to the control faster. I am always “closer” to the control until a certain point in emotional escalation, so as long as I am tracking my emotions I can do this.

So I breathe deeply. I say a totem phrase that creates space in the situation but doesn’t give a response yet like “Thats interesting.” Then I ask critical questions while the warrior spirit is ready to “slay all the demons,” so to speak. I ask if there are truly enemies here. How dangerous is this situation in reality? Does this person really wish me harm? Am I sure verbal combat is necessary? Is it safe to ask clarifying questions before deciding what the truth is? Can I empathize with the person annoying me? Can I minimize the power of the stimulus? Can I “fight” by reminding myself that this thing is insignificant and not any kind of threat? If emotional resources are low I need to go dark to satisfy an ego trap because it’s just someone on tv/not a live person in front of me - I can just say, I will not give them the power to disturb my peace. They are like an ant trying to disturb a lion - I’m a goddamn lion. They are not worth any effort or reaction from me. Their attempt to provoke me has failed. I may even internally laugh to signal to my body that it was a false alarm.

Note: these are not questions to come up with in the moment, but to have at the ready as part of a structure I have agreed upon in advance.

First I breathe. I agreed I would breath and so I will. Two fast breaths in. One slow breath out to clean cortisol out of my blood stream. Most of the time I can let go. I can thank the warrior for coming so quickly to save us, but their help is not necessary. If I fail, that’s ok. It’s not a competition with myself, it’s an attempt and wholeness and being all ally to all parts of myself. Success is the agreement, not the outcomes. The outcomes will fluctuate. That’s ok. I’m doing my best in stormy weather.

The warrior may seem like just this difficult challenge that takes a lot of emotional labor to manage but make no mistake: the warrior you have inside is VERY useful. They are the reason I am still alive. Your warrior is the reason you are still alive. I picture mine like an unstoppable master of war with a blindfold on. Without my eyes they will unleash destruction at anything that seems like even a slightly potential threat. This relates to hypervigilence. So we must be allies. I must be their eyes and light the way.

In fact I say that in my head, “we need you now! and I am lighting the way!” The warrior is always ready to fight to keep us alive. The way I work with this is to control the warrior whenever it’s about stimulus in a finite moment; the reactive aspect. I call out to the warrior whenever I feel overwhelmed or drowning in a situation.

Try this: the next time you are trying to finish a task and just get overwhelmed by a onslaught of voices telling you about other things you should be doing, feeling like you just want to give up because you can’t find something you need to finish, can’t focus, feel a craving to zone out on tv/phone stuff, or notice you feel trapped on your phone…

1. Close your eyes and breathe deeply.

2. Call out to the aspect of yourself that has kept you alive this far.

3. Say some version of, “the enemy is here. We are helpless without you. We are losing this battle. Please hurry because we will not make it much longer without being defeated. We need you. You are the only one who can defeat this demon.” I use demons as imagery because they have that vibe of being able to do mischievous/metaphysical harm like making thing vanish or distracting/confusion people.

4. Picture the ground rumbling. Imagine feeling that rumble in your chest and rocks falling from the hills as this incredible force is racing to get to the surface of your conscious mind. Take another deep breath.

5. As you open your eyes imagine the click of a light switch. The warrior has arrived. Now let go off all the controls. Say what needs to be done over and over. Don’t think about the steps. Think about the task and keep saying the task that needs to be done as you “watch” the warrior. It may take a moment but you will notice you have a visitor and you can watch them do what needs to be done. You will notice they solve issues that you would have given up on. They will take care of you. You only need to call for them and tell them there is danger.

I have shared this process with a few people and it seems to be effective for everyone so far. This is not something I made up based on nothing, like creative writing. The elements plug into things I’ve read about psychology and adhd. It reorganizes the mind and “sets the house in order” so to speak. It creates stimulus surrounding the task. It plugs into survival instincts that bypass executive function issues. It gives the mind certainty to focus on one thing as an existential threat. It gives clarity of purpose. It blocks out distractions. It’s extreme but I will frame things as a threat to life.

The only difference between this threat to life and the perceived threat to life in reactivity and emotional escalation is that I am in control. Stimulus is not causing an existential battle, my choice is making it an existential battle because it is. I do believe that losing 100 small battles each day is slowing killing me. I share this information with the warrior so “they” know it’s really important and they are vitally needed to save my life.