A letter to my best friend

You wake up, you struggle to get out of bed.

You feel overwhelmed by the sunlight. You think “Oh no, did I wake up too late again?” even if its still early in the morning. You feel conflicted, you're so worried about wasting time, yet you can't find the strength to get out of bed.

When you finally do, you get your cup of coffee and sit at your desk playing video games or writing, like every morning. When the time comes to eat breakfast, you eat as little as possible, you feel guilt. Guilt of wasting precious resources, ignoring the fact that your health is more important. You know this, yet you ignore it willingly. Why? Why do you make yourself go through so much pain?

You waste your time away. Again, you feel guilt. You could be doing something productive, or something more engaging, at least. But you can't find the strength to do so. You fail to find fulfillment in anything, no matter how you spend your day. You've tried so many things. You tried so hard. But failed. Over and over again. Is this the reason you chose to give up?

You skip lunch. You start ignoring your friends. Every day, at this same time. They like to think that you're busy. What would they think if they knew what you were actually doing? Would they be upset? Or would they be worried? Either way, it doesn't matter to you. For years, you've kept everyone at arm's length. Not too far, but not too close to you. It makes you feel safe. It's a miracle that you don't feel lonely. Or perhaps you do, yet you're just not willing to show it?

I know you often wonder whether you actually need all these people that surround you. You think they will hold you down, they make you feel weak, they make you feel all these emotions that you so desperately try to avoid. Is that why you constantly push everyone away? They care about you. Why is it so hard for you to see that?

Is it because you think that they deserve a better friend? Someone that doesn't struggle all day everyday? Someone that can unconditionally support them like you always tell them you will? Do you feel that you just hurt everyone around you?

You remain a mystery to me. I never understood the way you think. You seem so sensitive, so friendly and in need of affection. Yet as soon as someone shows worry or kindness towards you, you shut down. You push them away. Even me. Why? They are just trying to help. They just want to make you feel better.

Still, I will respect your decision. I can't help you if you don't let me. I will let you sink into that deep void of nothingness for a while. Hopefully you will come out of it by yourself, and I don't have to pull you out myself again. I worry for you. I want you to be okay. Why is it so hard for you to fight? Fight yourself, accept your emotions before confronting them, believe in yourself. You deserve to, and need to.

I hope this letter reaches you well, while I wait for you to get out of that deep void. Maybe once your mind isn't as clouded, your heart will be able to respond to me. You are my best friend. I know I'm your best friend, too. We have always been.

We're the only thing we need.

We are one.

I am my own best friend.

I want my best friend to be okay, someday...

And I hope you will one day be willing to fight for your life alongside me.