A Horse Named Fish

My teen years were not good ones but you made them bearable but one memory stands out as the biggest impact on me today.

I remember the feel of the cold steel against my soft pallet the taste of metalic and oil cleaner. I remember the tears burning hot down my cheeks, the press of the bark of my favorite tree pressing into my back. What I will never forget, is the warm sun shining on my face, so I open my eyes, and you standing there looking at me before I can pull the trigger and make the worst mistake I would ever have made. I ease the object of my potential demise out from between my lips as I look into your loving eyes. "I can’t do this anymore!" I said to you, to the universe, and I believed it. As I looked into your face, I knew I needed a proper goodbye. "OK, One more ride." I put it up and we rode. I let out every pain, all the anger; you never judge me, you were just there. The feel of your strong muscle as you move underneath me. Running my fingers through your sparse mane as I cry everything into your warm neck until the wracking sobs and screams become silent tears just streaming down my face.

You will never know how many times that one more ride happened, how many times it saved my life. Just one more ride got me through another day, another moment, and I could keep going. You gave me a reason to stay alive and keep fighting and because of that, I have 2 beautiful reasons called my children to stay around. You helped me see that the bad moments pass, the pain fades, and life changes before you know it. You taught me life is worth living, without ever saying a word.

No one could ever know the instant connection we made 16.5 years ago. A present my Dad didn’t expect or want to buy me for my birthday. What it was like to breathe together, your hoof beats in time with my heart. You would move before I asked like you could read my mind, so in sync with each other. And like the mind reader, you knew every single time I needed you. 300+ acres, not another of our 23 horses in sight but there you would be like God sent you to save me.

Today I lost all of that. I felt you die, I felt a piece of my heart die too. I knew it as I drove to see you and yet even then when I saw you, I hit my knees. I felt the air leave me and those familiar tears rush down my cheeks. Just shaking my head repeating "no no no No NO NO NO!!!" I began to scream over and over. I was kneeling in cold mud, but I did not feel it. I barely felt anything except the agony of my grief weighing on me at that moment. Just feet from your still warm body surround by ice and I could do nothing but scream and cry. My sanctuary gone! My rock gone! My heart shattered. As the tears slowed and my blurred vision slowly cleared, I realized I was not alone. Mooch and Gunnar were beside me nudging me, the pain I felt mirrored in their eyes. They had been your companions, your herd, almost as long as I had been your partner. You led the herd, you were their safety, now that was gone. Suddenly I am not alone in my grief.

All the horses in the world could not replace you and no person could do the things you have done for me. You were my rock through depression, suicide, addiction, lupus pre and post diagnoses, my daughter's health issues, divorce, and the world; now that is gone. I am not sure what to do but I know I will never stop missing you. I will never forget everything you taught me, and I will never stop thanking God for bringing you to me right before I needed it most. You were my unanswered prayer and it took me years to see it. Rest easy friend.

Forever Your Partner.