2am Chronicles

It’s two in the morning as I’m writing this and the only thing on my mind is, fuck! Insomnia is one of the biggest pains in my life. It’s funny that it’s also the most consistent thing I’ve got going on, next to bills and my podcast. If I can’t depend on anything else, I can depend on insomnia coming in like a crackhead during a 3am stroll.

As an adult I’ve realized how precious sleep is for the mind, body, and soul, but as a child It felt like a right of passage to be able to stay up late like the adults and decide when I go to sleep. In my early years in Florida, Friday night was that hall pass night, when I could watch late night cartoons until I went down like Frazier vs. Muhammad Ali. Or for a more recent reference for the younger readers, Logan Paul vs. Nate Robison (poor Nate).

Fast forward to my thirties and 11:30 is my limit, my no-go, my hell no! I recall hating sleeping; I didn’t understand how important it was to get rest as a kid. I basically thought that nighttime was when all the fun, crazy shenanigans happened (yes, I said shenanigans) and the real fun started. My young self didn’t know my parents were trying to sleep like normal people with jobs. Well, my mom was anyway.

I admit I was spoiled as the youngest kid. My dad would let me skip school to play hooky and go to the arcade or the movies. Sometimes we went to other women’s houses, though he still denies it. I was favored in the household, largely because I was content with the few things I enjoyed. Give me video games, cartoons, and food, and I was cool.

Looking back, I can see that those three things were my comforts. When there was fighting in the house, I would look to them almost like the Holy Trinity. Over the years I’ve realized that habit hasn’t died. Food is comforting to me when I am under stress, especially a nice flavorful pasta dinner or some type of bread or rice. I don’t have the latest game system; compared to teen me, I’m very casual. If I had a shit day, younger me would turn off my brain and play for hours. I remember getting my heart broken in high school and locking myself in my room playing video games while crying my eyes out. And of course, I loved cartoons, especially Japanese anime. I would literally veg out and go into a whole different train of thought. I’ll admit there were times I had trouble separating them from reality (thanks ADHD) and I would daydream about one or all of them in the middle of school.

These were my escapes from reality, though I didn’t understand it at the time. Now I realize they are still comforts for me as an adult. As I’m writing, this realization has smacked me in the face so hard it almost scares me. Is this a part of my cycle of depression? I think I need to sit on that thought. To be continued… - Anthem

P.s. I realized a few days later that I had made a breakthrough. As I sat with my counselor in our weekly one on one via Skype to discuss my progress. I started counseling again just at the beginning of the year due to the fact I had an emotional breakdown that was becoming self destructive to the point I wasn't going to work and was shutting people out. This was a pattern I recognized real quick and I knew I had the resources to deal with it.

Another reason why I'm not trying to fuck up my job because they are helping get through this thankfully they have been understanding and has given me the time to get myself together. Bi polar disorder is a pain in the ass sometimes. When theres highs there are the lows. Now the question I have to ask as I get older is this "Am I fighting to live Or living to Die?"