1... 2... Me and Freddy are coming for you...

The Secret Diary of a Spiritual Vagabond

09.02.2022 1:30am

Dear Diary,

Here I am again, reaching out for an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. Maybe to cry on as well, but at the moment, there are no tears. There is no joy. There is no emotion at all. Right now, I feel a bit of a void. A numbness. An emptiness. I feel a little lost in the abyss. Floating away, untethered from reality.

No, I don’t feel crazy. I'm not spiraling out of control. I just feel a bit hollow, like there is nothing left to reach for. I feel truly exhausted. I am exhausted from carrying the burdens that life has thrown my way. I feel like I am too tired to keep moving, with the heavy burden that I am carrying. So, I won’t. I won’t be carrying the burdens of the past anymore. Some of them were never mine to carry. It is here that I lay them down.

The final resting place.

With all the grief, pain, trauma, betrayal and abuse I have suffered; it often amazes me that I still remain so strong on the surface. No one can tell. Most people have no idea. I smile at strangers, and I keep a positive mindset everywhere I go. I continue to show up and do my best. However, my best never seems to matter. It is never enough. It is because of that "fact" I have become so incredibly tired.

Mentally, I am alert and looking for the next solution. I am focused on showing the world an independent, well put together and polished persona. My social media accounts are on point. I look like a very functional individual. I look successful. I look to society, just like everyone else that has followed all the rules and done all the things that we are told to do. I did do all the things. I have followed all the rules.

I was a straight “A” student. I graduated with honors. I hold two degrees. I have had some really “good” jobs (good is subjective of course), by society’s standards, the jobs were great. I used to pride myself on being smart and learning quickly and swiftly moving up to lead positions and middle management. I used to, until I realized I was not getting compensated at the same rate as some of my peers in equal or lesser positions. I often just accepted this unfortunate fact and kept on trucking up that hill and trying even harder to prove my worth to companies that did not care. They did not value my effort, my loyalty, or my desire to improve upon processes. At many jobs, I was not listened to. I was passed up for many raises and promotions. There was a time I was blocked from anything I applied for until I demanded an answer. I was fed all the typical “reasons”. Then I stopped accepting it.

I looked around and realized I was contributing twice as much as everyone else, even my superiors. I thought that eventually someone would recognize the efforts and one day I would be compensated appropriately. That never happened.

In realizing how toxic this was and how soul sucking it was to my free spirit. I began to voice my discomfort. The jobs themselves, shut me down. Of course, they did, they knew that I needed the job, so they took further advantage of my need to provide for myself and family.

Enter the friends and family.

Did I say friends?

I meant “friends”, yeah that’s right, the fake people that don’t see my worth either. Or maybe they do, and just didn’t want me to see it.

Over and over again I was convinced to settle for and accept any crumbs that employers would throw my way.

Then I finally recognized the whole cycle of abuse.

So called friends and family treated me in the exact same manner.

Intellectually, I was aware that I deserved way more. Like I said, I am highly educated, and I am a great worker. Quick. Diligent. Innovative. It took me awhile to realize that was actually my downfall. The harder I tried, the more toxic crap I had to put up with.

So how do you end this cycle?

Talking to people didn’t help. If anything, my discomfort gave them a power trip. They got some sick satisfaction out of knowing that it was distressing me to the point of a breakdown. They didn’t care.

Don’t worry. I won’t be calling out my former employers by name or name dropping all the narcissist in my life. I see you though.

I see ALL of you.

Yes.

Do not think for one second that I don’t see you and that I don’t know what you did.

I know.

All of my life I have been silenced.

At times I should have gone to the authorities or taken legal action, but I didn’t out of fear of retaliation.

But that is how it works, isn’t it? That is how creeps and abusers get away with what they do to people.

They silence them.

They make them afraid.

Afraid for their safety. Afraid of public humiliation and shame. Afraid that no one will believe them.

I have news for you.

I am not afraid anymore.

And I’m coming for you.