;

”Worthless. In the way. Nuisance. Interrupting. Attention-seeking. Unseen. Unheard. Ignored. To blame. Guilty. Shameful. Sinful..."

Sound familiar?

"Exciting! Interesting! Worth Knowing! Lovely! Kind! Life of the Party! Worthy of (Dignity/Respect/Love)!"

...Hm; must be talking about somebody else...

Is this where these two separate paradigms sit for you; because that's where they sat for me for the longest time and, many days, still do. Damaging talk from important enough people to a person can swiftly lead to damaging SELF-talk; and that can be very difficult to break.

My story isn't over yet, YOURS isn't either, and there IS still time to turn these separate messages on their heads ("Worthy..." sounds familiar; "WorthLESS" must be talking about someone else... [though, coming from someone who knows what it's like to entertain those types of thoughts, I would strive to refrain from looking down on another individual as "worthless" either]).

I'm going to go out on a limb here to share something...

"...I almost wasn't here with you today."

At my own jurisdiction, I almost didn't see ("BLEEP" noise to cut-off old age).

Were it up to a much younger me, I wouldn't have made it to COLLEGE aged.

If a younger me had successfully had HIS druthers, I wouldn't have been a (Grand Valley State University) LAKER! (...and Lord knows what my time at GVSU meant to me).

Old emotions, bitter memories, and retaining struggles in self-image, to this day, nag at me to return to this darker place. If "oh, you just GROW OUT OF IT (like any other PHASE!)," hmm, that's very interesting; because I'm here in my late-30's now as opposed to my TEENS anymore. Maybe I'll "oh, just grow out of" this "PHASE" right around the time that I learn to confidently talk to women 100% of the time (though, the two issues should NEVER be otherwise intersected). Anyway, by the faith, diligence, patience, love, and support of a select few extra close family members and a core group of friends close enough to me that I VIEW them as "family," I am still here today to share my story.

My story isn't over yet; and neither is yours.

World Semicolon Day (April 2016) was started as "a day to celebrate those who chose not to end their lives because their stories aren't over yet." It was started by "Project Semicolon's" late founder, Amy Bleuel, to help erase the stigma of mental health and raise awareness of the struggles between unhealthy mental health, depression, emotional health, and the like.

As a writer, I choose to use the semicolon to signify that I might have chosen to end a sentence; but didn't. As a person struggling with mental/emotional health and lower self-esteem than a (...I'll go ahead and say it...) 37-year YOUNG man should have, I use the semicolon, be it on an article of clothing or a temporary tattoo, to signify that I might have chosen to end my life; but didn't.

I was one of the lucky ones who sought a deeper relationship with friends and family before it was too late. I was lucky to have a community so willing to celebrate me at my strongest; and put up with me at my weakest. One of these days, if my story boils down to SELF (-confidence/worth/esteem), I'm going to need to work on my SELF.

It is time to forgive my SELF for my innocuous errors as quickly as I used to forgive others; and to relearn to have patience with others.

It is time that I owned my OWN opinion of myself as a person; not based solely on what peers think of me (that, too, some people may never outgrow).

I'm still here; I still have time to work on myself, and to be there for friends and family who struggle as well.

This is MY story right now. I'm sure that others struggle with feeling the same; or worse (Lord knows that the Pandemic was not easy on ANYONE's mental/physical/emotional health). If YOU struggle with mental health, feel free to reach out to a trusted confidant about that. You don't want to wait until the point where you think that it's too late...

Your story isn't over yet; and I couldn't be happier for you...