Young Love with John and Raphael in Failing in my Head

John was sitting at his desk in our dorm room when I walked in. He was probably doing homework, but I didn't care. I slid my backpack off my shoulders, kicked off my shoes, and crawled into bed under my weighted blanket shaking, from my anxiety. We were halfway through the semester, and I was sure I was failing all of my classes.

"What's wrong Raphael?" John 's voice was soft as he slowly approached my bed like he was approaching a scared animal, which he kind of was.

"The-there's no way I can d-do this I'm fai-ailing all of my classes", I mumbled into my weighted blanket.

John paused for a moment, looking confused before sitting down on the side of my bed, gently draping an arm around me. I welcomed his familiar touch and leaned into him. "Raphael your grades are great! You leave all of your graded assignments on you desk and I've only seen As and maybe a few B's! There's no way your failing!"'

"No-no I can barely get m-my work done! I'm doing te-terrible I should just drop out I-I'm not smart enough t-to handle coll-lage!"

"That's totally not true! You're like the smartest person I know!" he exclaimed, but not loudly. He knows that I don't like loud noises. He pulled me close and then got up. Leaving me feeling alone. "What's you're school password?" he asked as he grabbed his laptop, opening it as he brought it over to me. I didn't know what he was doing, but I didn't care I just wanted cuddles or to be left alone. I told him my long and complex password. "Can you say that again?" he chuckled, with a sincere smile. I repeated it.

"Look at this," he brought the laptop up to my face, he had my grades up, "your lowest grade is a 86! That's higher than my highest grade!" maybe I calmed down a little knowing that all my grades were good, but everything still felt overwhelming. He got up to put down the computer and curled up around me. He knew that I needed cuddles. I didn't know how long he held me, it must have been a while judging by the quality of sunlight coming in from the windows, but didn't move, except occasionally kissing my hair. He stayed that way until I calmed down. I know sitting still is not his strong suit, but he always would when I needed it. I don't deserve him.

"Better?" he asked. I nodded, "are you good or do you want to write a poem about it?" I nodded again. He got up and grabbed my poetry journal from my bag and a pencil and brought them to me. I let my thought flow out onto the paper.

"Done.

I am,

Completely,

And utterly

Done.

The grades

Say,

That I am

Passing.

The grades

Say,

That I am

Doing well.

But

My mind

Does not.

There is,

So much

That is

Going on.

My

Academic mind,

Has

Ceased,

To function.

All of these

Thoughts.

Circling around,

In my head.

All of which

Can not

Be true.

But

I

Feel

As if,

They are.

I’m overwhelmed.

I’m scared.

Of

All the things,

That

Once again

Are problems,

Solely,

In my mind.

But

In my mind,

They are,

Very real.

The Fear.

The dread.

The panic.

Are just

Too much,

Even

When facts.

Do not

Align,

When

The facts say

That I can.

I just

Need.

To hold on,

To push past

The lies.

Of the

Insecurities

That are,

Holding

Me down.

And,

Like always,

Not meltdown.

Stay

In control

Fight

The demons

Every day.”

I looked back at my boyfriend before completing the poem.

"But

I'm

not alone"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This poem was written by me, a better version, with stanzas, can be found here: Failing in my Head(poem)

If you like this story and or poem? I have others in this collection, and I have and several different installments in this series that I am working on, as well as a poetry collection, where you can read the many other poems I posted. I keep a google doc housing summaries of each story and all of the installations that I've posted in an easy to navigate google doc: Click Here

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~~Ben Ray