Welcome to Hell

Welcome to Hell

Unrequited love is a glorified term for a lover’s hell, so hello there, welcome to mine. My name’s Julia and before you say anything, I’ve tried to like men. I know it’s frowned upon and all that, but in my defense, I never had a strong male figure to look up to. It was always just me and my mom. And I’ve found women to be better at… everything. I thought it was just a phase too and I tried to like men but it just never worked out. I tried to find happiness in men and I tried to remain optimistic, but there was this tiny voice inside that just liked girls more. Don’t ask. I don’t understand it either but why question how I feel?

Am I crazy? Maybe just a tad. But go ahead and make me the bad guy for wanting to make someone happy.

Listen, I’m not one to drool over girls. I’ll shoot my shot and if it doesn’t work, I mind my business and carry on with my day. Girls will come and go and “experiment” with me to see if they like girls. But I’m no one’s science project.

However, there’s this one particular girl who tortures me with everything she does and of course, I love every minute of it. This is definitely your chance to say, “You’re insane.” Yes, I already know. Who’s the girl, you might ask? Her name’s Angel. How can someone be named “Angel” but be so devilish at the same time? How did I come across this Angel? We go to Sherbrooke Tech in our small ass town, Sherbrooke and she’s in my art class. I was perfectly fine until I saw her one good time and instantly started to crave her. I started to sit next to her, just to breathe in the smell of her sweet perfume. We started to have conversations; granted, they were only connected with our art class, but still conversations, so don’t come for me. After a while, I mustered up the courage to ask her for her number. And she gave it to me. That was three months ago. I’ve been in her hell for three months and counting.

Why is it hell, Julia? You’re just describing a crush. It’s hell because I can’t get my thoughts together for two seconds when I’m around her. She’s whimsical and dainty and it drives me crazy in all the best ways. My brain was operating and fully functional but when I saw her for the first time, I couldn’t get her out of my head. It’s mental torture if you will.

Today, I’m at my stocking job at the grocery store. It’s 12:06 and I get off in a few hours. She comes looking for me at my job for the first time. She came to visit me?! My back’s killing me after stocking at the grocery store all day but I see her walking towards me and that pain evaporates. She’s wearing a short blue skirt that came up midway to her thigh and knee-high boots. Her lips are stained with her signature red lipstick and she looked up at me with her seductive cat eyes.

“Hey,” she says softly, kinda like she’s out of breath. Her eyes are red and slightly puffy and her face still has the stain of tears.

“Hey there.” I sit one of the boxes down, “This is an appreciated surprise.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt you working,” She tucks her hair behind her ear and twiddles with her thumbs, “but would you be interested in sharing an apartment with me?” I look at her dumbfounded. We’ve started a new semester and she’s in need of a roommate? And even if she did need a roommate, why me? I’ve always admired her from afar but to be so close to her… to see her in the morning and at night, it’s too good to be true. “I need a roommate. I-I can’t keep up with this rent so my mama told me to find a roommate to help out.” She looks up at me with those big brown eyes and I know I can’t resist her. How could I say no?

I can’t even get my words together. My heart’s going crazy in my chest. It’s dumb to blindly agree to it but I say to her, “Sure? But… why me?” I wouldn’t turn her down in a million years. Not even thinking about the rent and how it would impact my financial situation. Nothing matters when it comes to her.

I don’t have a choice in the matter. I need a roommate... bad. I just got off the phone with my mom, trying to call her to get some advice about how to handle my current situation. And that conversation went a little something like this:

“Why did you rent that big apartment, Angel?!”

“Mama, I-,”

“Why do we even pay for your education when you’re just gonna make dumb decisions and throw money away?” Jab.

“You better find a roommate to help out. You should’ve stayed on campus!”

“I’m trying to-,”

“That waitress job at that tacky restaurant ain’t cutting it.” Another jab.

“MOM!”

“Figure it out! Bye.” Dial tone click. I hate it when she does that. I couldn’t even get a single word out. And they wonder why I’m so distant. My mother’s a minister which means zero freedom for me. She was against the idea of me moving on my own from the start but my dad convinced her that it was a good stepping stone for me. Only now, I’m in a tight situation. Rent is due in two weeks, I work as a waitress (which means very little money is coming my way) and my former roommate, who was supposed to help me out, moved out at the last minute.

I throw my phone on the bed and take a good look around the apartment. This was my chance to prove to my parents that I could be independent and figure things out on my own. How did I goof it up this quick? I make decent money as a waitress at my favorite Japanese restaurant, The Mitsuki. Mama doesn’t approve--well, she doesn’t approve of my appreciation of Japanese culture at all. She thinks it’s “childish.” However, “decent money” isn’t enough to pay rent and take care of myself and school needs.

My friend, Kristy, was supposed to be my roommate but she backed out at the last minute because of an “opportunity for free housing.” Free housing is nice but there wasn’t even a warning. I probably won’t talk to her for a month. No biggie. I sink next to my bed, shaking, crying. I gotta come up with a solution to this. Maybe I could be a stripper? Nah, Mama would fall out of her church dress.

I grab my phone from the bed and comb through my messages. Who could room with me? Who would agree to split the rent with me and get this heat off my back?

Julia. I twist my mouth, staring at her contact thread and her photo. She wears her hair in a sort of man bun with her sides faded. She sits next to me all the time in Art 101 and all I smell is her Polo cologne, powerful like she bathes in it. And this may sound weird but I can’t help but stare at her sleeve of tattoos on her right arm, especially the tiger tattoo with the surrounding roses. It’s intriguing and kinda hot. My mama wouldn’t approve of me rooming with her in a million years but hey, she wanted me to find a roomie. Anyone would do it at this point and I’m desperate. It’s worth a shot and I have nothing else to lose. And something inside me wants her to say yes. I mean, she looks like she could be a pretty chill roommate. Luckily, she works at the grocery store which is like a 5-minute drive across town. I grab my keys and run outside. I’m tingling and so nervous. Dear God, let her say yes.

I’m flying across town to go to the grocery store hoping that she’s there. The music’s blasting loud through the window and my phone’s sitting in the passenger’s seat on top of my jacket. I hear the phone ring one time but I ignore it. It’s probably Derek bugging me once again.

Maybe he’s calling to vent about a baseball mishap that I don’t care about. Not like we talk about anything I want to talk about. Maybe he’s calling to take me to a burger joint. Yes, after a year of dating, he still doesn’t know what my favorite restaurant is. What if he’s calling to dump me? That would be amazing news. Go ahead and say it, “Girl, dump him.”

It doesn’t matter. I have one thing on my mind: getting to Julia before I’m too late.

When I say that the move-out process was short and sweet, I mean that shit. I’ve been just commuting from my mom’s place and she’s rarely at the house anyway. She works at a nursing home day and night. I help her with the bills in exchange for letting me temporarily crash there. It’s just me and her. We’re all we got and I’m cool with that. We never needed a man to get by.

As soon as I get off work, I pack a duffel bag with some shirts and boxers for the night. I can come and get the rest of my shit later. Maybe I’ll text her and let her know so she doesn’t worry.

I know this isn’t the wisest decision to make at the spur of the moment but I’m not about to pass up this opportunity. Angel eagerly pulls my arm and makes me follow her into this big ass apartment. No wonder the rent is so high here. It’s a two-bedroom apartment. I wonder why she even rented this apartment. She could’ve stayed on campus or hell, stayed with her parents. This is a lot for one person. Maybe that’s why she came to me? She needed a roommate to help her with rent and I have a steady source of income. Maybe she’s using me? Hey, I won’t complain.

I throw my leather jacket on the empty bed designated to be mine and wander around. It feels normal just to walk around the apartment in a t-shirt and sweats. Everything is so organized here. It’s lowkey annoying but adorable at the same time. And the entire place smells like her. I already love it here.

I take a glimpse into her room which is across the apartment from my room. It’s neat. The bed’s strangely made up. Jesus Christ, what a neat freak. I count 14 anime posters spread out across the walls. Not my cup of tea but hey, I admire her adoration. The only character I recognize in her room is Pikachu who takes the form of a pillow on her bed. I peer at the desk and a letterman jacket draped across her chair. I know for a fact that that jacket is way too big to be hers. Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“Do. NOT. Touch. Anything!” She’s so little but damn, she scared the shit out of me. She’s changed out her skirt and boots. Now she’s wearing a tank top with the straps exposing her shoulders and anime pajama shorts. Her hair’s up in a messy bun. I’m trying so hard to spaz out so I’ll keep my cool for just a little longer.

Let me make something clear. I know Julia has a crush on me. I know she likes girls and I know that this is a horrible idea to ask her to be my roommate out of all people. I am a horrible person for that but please understand I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I had to do what I had to do to keep myself afloat.

I know that she noticed Derek’s letterman jacket on my chair. How do I tell her that I’m straight? How do I tell her that I have a boyfriend? And more importantly, how do I dodge the big burning question: why couldn’t my boyfriend help me out with the rent?

It’s a funny story. First of all, Mama would lose her mind if I shared an apartment with Derek. She doesn’t like him at all, for good reason. She would much rather have me room with a girl. Don’t know if making Julia my roommate would suit her taste but I couldn’t care less. Derek doesn’t even have a job so having him here? Completely useless. I can’t have a neanderthal who won’t work taking up space in my apartment. I don’t think I like having him around. He’s entirely too clingy and pushy but he’s good eye candy, I guess. But he’s a real pain in my butt. Don’t tell me that I should break up with him. I already know I should.

At least with Julia, I know her half of the rent would get paid and I won’t have to break my back to pay the rent. I think I might like having her around. And maybe she’ll like being around? She keeps to herself most of the time and she wastes no time making herself at home, sitting on my couch with nothing but a t-shirt and some sweats. She occasionally tries to make conversation with me when she isn’t deep into whatever she’s watching on Netflix. Hopefully, she’ll keep the place clean and stay away from my anime collectibles. Otherwise, it might be nice having her as a roommate.

I get a text from Derek: Coming over. Otw. My heart drops to my butt. There’s not even a courtesy call. He doesn’t ever ask. He just tells me. He’s just gonna pop up uninvited. I want Julia to have a quiet evening for her first night but Derek would only come up and scare her away or worse. I toss the phone on the bed without texting him back. I know I’ll regret it later.

Julia’s still looking at the t.v. when she calls out to me while I’m in my bedroom, “So, um… You want Japanese for dinner?” She even knows my favorite food. I haven’t told Derek about my new roommate and Julia is open about her sexuality. Everyone knows that she’s gay and that she has a crush on me.

“No,” I cut her off coldly. It hurts the bitter words that fall off my tongue. I know this visit won’t be a good one.

Angel’s holed up in her room and she barely says a word to me. I’m in the middle of Orange Is the New Black on Netflix when I hear this knock on the door. I peek over to Angel’s bedroom door. She must not be expecting anyone? She didn’t mention anything to me. Do I even answer the door? The knocking becomes louder. Who the hell thinks they can knock on the door like this? I wouldn’t want Angel to answer the door anyway. Who knows who the hell is at the door? Might be someone crazy. I saw a few people lurking around the apartment complex when I pulled up. Angel shouldn’t be up here by herself. Thank God I’m here.

On the other side of the door stands Derek, the fuckboy boyfriend. He’s sweaty from baseball practice and dirt’s smeared on his uniform. I know she’s not gonna like him tracking dirt in here. Ugh, a warning would’ve been nice but I’m light on my feet in sticky situations. Anything I do, he’ll take his frustrations out on Angel and I don’t want that. “Where’s Angel?”

“She’s in her room. I haven’t heard from her.” Why is he asking me? Is she not your girlfriend? Shouldn’t you know, asshole?

“She couldn’t answer the door? I told her I was coming.” Derek’s still standing outside and I’m careful to not let him in. I don’t know why but there’s just some hostile energy coming off him. I don’t want to let him anywhere near her.

I lean against the door frame and huff, “Listen bro, I don’t know anything. I just answered the door. She didn’t tell me that you were coming.”

Derek growls, “You mean to tell me that she moved you in here without talking to me?”

“Yep.”

“And she didn’t tell you that I was coming?”

“Nope.”

“And she didn’t text me back when I told her I was coming?!”

I snicker, “I guess not. I don’t blame her one bit.” I try to not sound cocky. But I can’t contain myself basking in his humiliation and anger. It’s satisfying. His girlfriend chose another girl over him? I know that’s gotta hurt.

He pushes me out the way and tears through the apartment, “You think you’re gonna turn her out or something?”

I shrug my shoulders and laugh at him, loud enough so Angel can hear, “Nah, man. I’ll treat her better while you fool around with your side chicks. I bet she doesn’t know about that shit, right?” Angel should know the truth instead of blindly choosing someone bad for her. Of course, he’s cheating on her. It’s a power trip for him. He doesn’t care about her feelings.

I’m surprised she hasn't come out of the room yet. Derek’s all in my face. I’m trying not to beat his ass just yet. I’ll keep my cool out of respect for Angel and her apartment. She has it so neat and organized in here, and I’d hate to fuck some shit up and wipe the floor with her boyfriend. Soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.

“You shut the fuck up! Breathe one word to her and I will fuck you up.” He grabs me by my shirt and I lock on his wrists. I’m about to break his hands.

Angel opens her door, anger on her face. “What’s going on out here?!” She’s still in her pajamas. I doubt she was planning on him to show up. Otherwise, she would’ve come out with something more… suited to Derek’s tastes.

Derek focuses his attention on her and he lets me go. She’s good at hiding the fact that she’s afraid but I can still sense that fear. What do I do?! Do I stand back? Do I stop him?

Derek growls at her, all in her face, “Where have you been? Why didn’t you answer me?” I’m standing back, unsure of a lot of things. Why is he here unannounced? Why did I let him in? Why did she even bring me here? I press my fingernails into the palms of both my hands and make crescent moons in my skin. I want to beat his ass until my hands fall off.

Her words shake and collapse as they fall off her lips, “I-I was just helping Julia get s-settled.” She tries to sound strong but she’s so afraid of him. I want to know why. Does he beat her? I’d kill him right here. I don’t want her to be scared of him anymore. She’s too pretty to deal with this kind of bullshit. Why does she put up with him? I want to be better for her.

Derek squeezes her and shoves her against the door, slamming her little body against the wall so hard. She yelps, unable to speak another word. I feel my soul leave my body. I’m not even myself anymore, “HEY!” They both stare at me and there I stand with my mouth gaped open, trying to get the words to come out. “Don’t. Put. Your. Hands. On. Her.”

Derek sneers at me and turns back to Angel, “You’re gonna let your bitch talk to me like that?” I run up to him and hit him with a strong right hook. He falls to the floor and Angel looks at me for a second. But I’m not myself. I already snapped. I have him on the floor and I’m on top. How is he an athlete and he’s getting his ass beat by a girl? I feel the adrenaline soar through my body and I can’t see or hear anything. I hit his face a couple of times but I also punch the floor and bruise my knuckles. But I don’t even feel the pain. I can’t feel anything.

“NO!” She screams. “GET OFF OF HIM!” She pulls me off on him and throws me to the side. “J-Julia, you need to go.” She wants me to go? I defend her honor and fight for her and she still can’t see me. I stumble backward and I watch her tend to his wounds and his now bloody face. “GO!” She screams as she kneels down. “Go, now. Please.” Her voice breaks and she’s shaking bad. What have I done? I’m such an idiot.

Meanwhile, my hand is bruised and blistering. I can’t even keep my hands steady to grab my jacket and my keys. I don’t even want to be a witness to what will happen once he gets off the floor. She’ll never talk to me again and I know that she’ll want me to move out ASAP. But I’ll wait until he leaves to get the rest of my shit.

The cold air hits me hard as I light up a blunt and head to my car. Usually, I can find solace and peace when I smoke weed but my mind is so fucked up it only makes me feel worse. I pull my jacket over my shoulders. I don’t even want to leave her alone with him. I should’ve kept my composure. Now she has to suffer.

Why did she make me leave? Why didn’t she kick him out? I would’ve surely helped her make sure he never comes near her again. I feel like an idiot. I feel the tears stream down the side of my face. I take a puff of my blunt and get lost in the salty tears. I’ve lost her for good.

What have I done? I’ve run her off for good. And all because of Derek. I give him some ice for his face. He’s bruised pretty badly. I gotta hand it to Julia. She can hold her own. But I don’t want her to go to jail over Derek. Him being so entitled would throw her to the wolves in a heartbeat. I won’t let that happen.

I’m in awe in what happened. I’m shaking, mad. I don’t want to be in this situation. We haven’t said a word to each other. He sits on my couch, ice on the side of his face. Quite frankly, I don’t think I need to say anything. I owe him nothing. There’s blood on the floor from Julia’s hand. I hate I shut her out like I did, but I know that if she stayed any longer, one would’ve destroyed the other. I don’t want people fighting over me even though she did fight for me. Derek pushed her and she did what she had to do. “When you’re done playing with your wounds, you can leave.” I’ve had enough.

He finally speaks to me, “Do you like her?” I turn to see him staring at me with the pain in his eyes. He stands up and the blood rushes. I don’t know what to do. Will he hit me? This time, I’ll fight back. Julia would. He sighs, “If you want her, you got her. You weren’t worth the time or the ass whooping.” He throws the ice on my floor and snatches his jacket and out my door he goes. I know I should be upset but I snare at him and slam the door behind him. It’s finally over.

“Good riddance. Asshole.”

Look at the mess I’ve made. I’m selfish for putting my needs over Julia. I shouldn’t have put her in this kind of situation. I’m an idiot and I doubt she’ll ever speak to me. Regret burns in my chest. I want to throw up but I can throw up later. I’m on a mission. I know I goofed up and now I have to make things right with Julia.

She didn’t do anything wrong when you think about it. Derek shoved me against the wall. Any logical person would’ve come to my rescue. But I’m sick of being the damsel in distress. Let me take care of myself for a change and stop having everyone fight for me. I want to make the right decisions for myself, not having them be made for me.

I have to find her right now. It’s cold outside but I grab my hoodie (not Derek’s jacket, throwing it away later) and run down the stairs and outside the building. Derek’s long gone, thank God. I’m surprised that he didn’t put up much of a fight. He just left. Not that I’m complaining. “Angel?” I turn to see Julia standing in front of me, holding her bleeding hand in a greasy napkin. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.” The adrenaline is still soaring in my body, I can’t feel the cold and I don’t even realize how ashy my knees are. I’m desperate. I just want to do the right thing already.

“I came out for you,” I say. I hold my hand, “Let me see your hand.” She gives me her hand, blistering and red. I can’t help but burst into tears. “I-I’m so sorry.” I don’t mean to squeeze her hand but I can’t control myself. I know I’m hurting her but she doesn’t pull away. I don’t understand.

“Girl, get in this damn apartment before you turn into a popsicle out here.” Julia laughs as she grabs my chin and pulls me into the building. Is she staying? She locks her car door from the door frame and shuts the door behind her. I’m glad that she at least wants to talk to me. I take my hoodie off and throw it on the bed. “It’s 8:53. We still ordering Japanese?” I smile from the bedroom door frame. She’s sitting on the couch with her hand still in this napkin.

“I’ll order Japanese if you let me fix your hand. I have Neosporin in here somewhere and I know I have gauze in the bathroom. It’s the least I can do.” I sit next to her and kiss her. “Thank you for coming back.”