The Truth About My First Breakup

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During my senior year of high school, I took on more than I could chew. I went to school full-time and had a job where I was working nearly 40 hours a week. On top of that, I took college courses on Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings. As if that weren't enough, I also had a full-time boyfriend.

Chip was a great guy. He understood that I was busy and found ways to make sure that we got to spend time together. And he ensured that I understood that he loved me. I did my best to reciprocate.

When my stepdad died, he came over and helped with as much as he could. He would play with my younger siblings to give me a break. At mealtimes, he would either cook for the family or he would run out and grab something from a local diner for us.

"You're too good to me," I said.

"You deserve the best. I'm here to make sure you get it," Chip said.

After getting through the holiday season, I was exhausted. With everything on my plate, including grieving, I felt like I had no energy. I was encouraged to go to the doctor, who advised me to take a vacation. As if he already knew what my objections would be, Chip worked with his dad to plan a weekend away for us. They rented a cabin for us to stay in for the weekend.

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During our weekend away, we cooked together. He would man the grill and I would make the sides. It was a team effort, we felt like a pair of true partners.

We sat by a fire one night. The mood was serious as we started to discuss our future in a way that we hadn't before. It was uncomfortable, but both of us felt it was necessary.

"What are you going to do once we graduate?" I asked.

"I don't know, I might take some time off and just chill for a bit."

He knew the answer wasn't what I wanted to hear. He took a sip of his soda and tried to explain that he would work but had no idea if he wanted to head off to college.

When it was my turn to answer, I was stumped. Weeks after my stepdad passed, I turned down a full-ride scholarship to an out-of-state school because my mother put a guilt trip on me.

"I still want to study psychology, but I need to hear back from Oakland University and U of M," I said.

After our talk, I was unsettled by Chip's lack of direction but brushed it off. A lot of my classmates weren't sure what they were going to study or what they wanted to do. Maybe a year off wasn't a bad idea for him, I told myself. It would give him a chance to think about what he wanted. And selfishly, it would ensure that he and I would have time together.

But there was part of me that worried he didn't have direction and that would tear us apart.

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As graduation approached, my plans for school solidified. I was going to go to community college for a year, then transfer over to a major university after.

I noticed a shift in how Chip interacted with me. Never harsh or unkind, but I was certain that he was keeping something from me. What his secret was, I couldn't venture a guess.

People around me thought that I was overreacting, that because my parents had a toxic relationship, that was how I saw things. They had a fair point, but I continued to listen to the advice that Grandma Anderson gave me.

"Listen to your gut. Your head will try to see the logic of everything. Your heart will make it emotional. But your gut will lead you right."

On June 10, the day of my graduation, everything came to a head. My mother and I had an argument because she wanted to bring her new boyfriend to the ceremony, and I thought it was tacky. Frustrated and not wanting to deal with that situation, I drove to my work. Chip pulled into the driveway just seconds after I did. We hugged and congratulated one another.

"We need to talk," he said.

"What's going on?"

He explained that he had enrolled in the army and was leaving for basic training the following Monday. I steadied myself, feeling the anger rise in me. As if he noticed my anger, he tried to assure me that this was not a decision he made lightly. It was something that he thought about and discussed with his parents ever since we got back from the camping trip.

"Did you ever think of, I don't know, talking to your boyfriend about it?" I asked.

"I figured you would just wait for me. I mean, it's an either you wait or we break up situation," he said.

"I guess we're done."

We hugged each other and got back into our cars. It felt surreal that I had graduated just hours ago and then my relationship came crashing down around me.

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While I was never bitter about the break-up, there was a part of me that wondered why it happened. Maybe I had been just a passing fancy for him and once he was done, it was over. In my heart of hearts, I knew that wasn't the case. Chip had always been good to me, and there was no reason to think that he never planned for us to have a future together.

But what was the reason?

Recently, I got brave and emailed him. The point was clear that I had no illusions of us getting back together, but I did want to know why he thought that an ultimatum was the right way to go.

Chip responded by asking if we could talk on the phone. He felt that the message would be clearer that way. I agreed.

"Our breakup has haunted me ever since it happened. It's not how I expected things to go. You said that you were worried about me being directionless, so I found a direction," he said.

"But why not talk to me?"

"I was young and dumb. And to be honest, I thought you would wait for me. When you said we were done, I was shocked and hurt. For a long time, I thought you didn't love me," he said.

It never occurred to me that he would question whether I loved him or not. I had been so focused on my pain that I forgot someone else was part of the equation.

I apologized to him for my oversight. We came to the agreement that our relationship was one of the best that either of us had, but it was also meant to come to an end.

First loves aren't always meant to be forever. They are meant to teach us important lessons about what it is we want and deserve in a partner.