The Start of it All

Recently I've been starting the arduous task of self repair. Over the last year, the amount of trauma and growth I've made would cause anyone to double over in a depressive gut punch. Not to toot my own horn (not that anyone would ever want to deal with this shit), but I've experience a pandemic, leaving and abusive asshole husband, became a single mom, left a cult, came out of the closet, and managed to not do the unalive thing. Yeah you read all of that right. That was my 2020-2021 in one over run sentence.

It wasn't all awful, I mean, I got a dog, an amazing wonderfully terrifying (in a good way) Viking girlfriend; who puts up with my shit. As you can see in the paragraph above, it's a lot of shit. I also have gained just a small amount of confidence after losing every ounce I had.

I could easily dive into the discussion of the divorce, and the leaving of the cult, and the closet of the evacuating. Don't get me wrong, they are all really great stories. But right now, for my fragile state, and my first post, I should probably keep it simple right? Gotta like, hook you all in some how? I don't know what I'm doing please be gentle.

As a nice kick off, I thought it would be funny to talk about some of the dumbest things I've cried over as of recent. Understandably when coming out of an extremely abusive relationship, the smallest nicety can easily cause me to fall into pitiful sobs. When I say the smallest I really mean the smallest.

My Viking girlfriend, right, she's awesome. This beautiful goddess from New Mexico, that some how landed in my life through the internet right when I needed her. When I say goddess, I mean goddess, she looks carved from marble, with curls that seem to be carved from marble. God damn she's hot. I maybe biased, but only a little.

The first time she knew she was in for it, was when she made me a cup of tea. I didn't ask for it, I didn't even hit that maybe it would be nice. She got her glorious ass out of bed, and made me a cup of tea. Even brought it to me. When I say I sobbed, it was as if Niagara Falls itself was pouring forth from mine eyes.

Even now I'm still not entirely sure what's more upsetting, the fact that no one up until this point had thought about my needs before their own, or that I had never thought I was worth someone else's time.

It's interesting isn't it, the moment that you, yourself realizes that there may be something more to you than just to be a human blob of flesh. That you can matter to someone just enough that they would make you a cup of tea.

This is a terrifying concept, giving yourself the power to mean something, to allow yourself the chance of being apart of someone else's story. That they want you there. They see you as an actual, living, breathing, human being with feelings. Suddenly being allowed to feel, those feelings no longer diminished and belittled.

Like a scared racoon being caught in the dumpster behind a Krispy Kreme, I wanted to run from the beam of light breaking my illusion of stealth. Looking around all of my exits aren't available, I've been caught 'feeling' with my grubby little baby hands covered in cheap glaze. Or in this case, sobbing in my steamy mug of green tea.

Then, right there in that crappy hotel bed, was the down fall of my abuser. That was the moment he should have ran away screaming. Because that was the moment I found out I wasn't alone, I was still a person, and he had taken so much from me. I knew without a doubt that I would do anything in my power to reclaim my safety, and protect my daughter from his tyranny.

That's where my story starts, when a cup of tea brought me back to life.