The Power of 2 Words

There is no better feeling than letting go. Dropping the facade, you created and showing the world your true face. I have never been able to truly show who I am in the past. I felt that I was a piece of clay where I could just simply mold myself into a different being. Even though I have always changed to adapt to new people or cushion my personality, my true self has always stayed. I’ve come to be able to present myself as I always wanted, but it certainly took time and a lot of help.

My entire life I was always too scared to show others my “effeminate side” or how others ignorantly labeled it “girlish”. Even though I didn't grow up knowing what it meant to be me or what I could even call it I knew that it was just inside of me. I didn't want to hide because I hated myself, I hid it because I was scared others would hate me. I truly thought that I could hide inside, most people thinking I was just different or just weird. Some people called me names, hurt me, and wanted me to just let it all out. I didn't want to; it wasn't my time yet. 5 years went by with the same routine of trying to fool others into thinking I was something when in the end I wasn't. I have always been myself, I just made it hard to see, both for other people and myself. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school where I was home with my dad, the person I was most scared to tell the most. He always pushed his idea of masculinity never considering my feelings or my circumstance. He gave me the fuel needed to hide my true self; it was always in abundance. It’s funny I always thought coming out was going to be like "Dear Simon" or maybe more of a blockbuster like "Rocketman". Nope. it was real, it was just the sour realization that I wouldn't ever get my spotlight.

There we were together in the same room where I tried my hardest to act like him. Keep my voice low and emotions subdued. It was hard, honestly, I don't know how some people do it. He stood there in front of me, and I didn't know what I was thinking. I guess you could call it retaliation or maybe just revenge for the years of forced silence. I wasn’t thinking I was just speaking, the real me was finally talking out I guess...

“I’M GAY!”

It felt like I just let out a scream in a room that was silent. My heart skipped 4 or 5 beats like I was in front of a concert. I couldn't breathe. I started to walk back a bit, but I said it. There's no going back; he knew the truth. All those years of masking myself and giving the world what they wanted were just gone. Burned away like ash just from one measly sentence. He didn't say anything before I just yelled it out. The curtains had finally fallen. That night was hard, but I felt like I truly could start my life again as the real me. With much support from my mom and arguments, he finally came around to accept me. My biggest secret was out into the world. Friends and supportive family are the things that saved me. When times felt dark after the door was open, I just went to them, and they told me to stay strong and live as myself. Even when people didn’t agree with my newfound lifestyle, I kept smiling. I finally had found peace. Growing my hair out, getting my ears pierced, changing my style completely. I went through a metamorphosis. My inner body feels empty, the cocoon falling into pieces. I didn’t need to hide; I didn’t need to put on a face. In the end, I just needed to be me. And for now, on I will be. The road is still long there is much to travel but the one thing I know. Is that...

I am Justin Medina, and I am gay. That is the one truth that will never be hidden again.