The Lotus Requiem

“The Lotus Requiem”

Good evening everybody,

Welcome to my last post here at The Narrative Daily. I would like to start by thanking all of you brave souls who for the past 4 years have been constantly sharing your stories with me and the others. Your truths have inspired and strengthened everyone, and for that, there are no words that can express my gratitude.

THANK YOU!

I know what you are all thinking right now, why would this be my last post? Right? The truth is that there are many reasons. Many that I will share and many that I won’t. All I ask of you is nothing more than what you’ve done this far. Keep an open mind and don’t judge.

As you might know from reading my previous posts, I’ve been struggling for a while. Struggling with many things, with my health, with my body, but mostly with accepting the reality of being gay. Therefore, being greeted this morning in a most unkind manner by Minister Aleksunder’s article in The Daily Tribune was a massive crack in my armour. Anxiety returned, stronger than ever before, and I feel as if I’ve already drowned in it. My phone blinked and I read. Again and again, as if my sight was attempting to deceive me. In this ‘article,’ Alek keeps referring to us, to our connections, our relationships, our love, as ‘unnatural.’ In fact, that is one of the main reasons behind him writing this unneeded filth. ‘The unnatural.’ If a man loves another man, it’s ‘unnatural.’ If a woman loves another woman, it’s ‘unnatural.’

Let’s then take a step back and think it through. What is ‘natural’ then? Is it solely the premise of a woman being with a man? Is it marriage? Children? Masculinity and femininity? I’m still struggling to figure this one out. Would I be ‘natural’ if I’d marry a woman and lie to her for the rest of our lives together, lie to our children, deny her the love she sought? If I was to die miserable, would that count as ‘natural’? Count as ‘normal’? What does everyone else think? I believe that since ‘natural’ is what is being asked of us, being ‘natural’ is then by default, a foreign term to us. Something that we cannot reach from as early as the moment that we are born. What harm is there in being able to live our lives the way we want to?

“It’s a threat to our way of living […] it’s sinful.”

Fuck that. Alek needs a massive reality check. Our ‘way of living’ is what we make it, not something sacred written in a money-seeking book. You don’t have to act like a bunch of douchebags to others just because you are on the privileged side of the societal spectrum.

From referring to our love as a ‘way of living,’ he then proceeds to call it a “psychiatric disorder” that should “be taken seriously and treated accordingly”. Really? Don’t disguise your homophobia and your hatred behind fancy words, Alek. It’s the 22nd century, our medicine and science have reached such heights that this shit should not even be mentioned. Being gay is neither a way of life nor illness but merely a branch of love that slightly diverges from the one you are following. Can you believe that nowadays we still have to go through this shit? To defend who we are and who we want to be with? Our ancestors thought that this kind of hatred would have disappeared by now, how wrong were they?

WE ARE STILL DEALING WITH THIS SHIT.

I want to be able to have a partner outside of the four walls of my house. I want this for all of us. To be able to stroll down the street, to hold hands, to kiss, hug, piggyback, love, all of this without having to constantly look around. Without having to determine whether my movements are too feminine. Without calculating each word that leaves my mouth. Without having to make sure that my eyes don’t linger for too long on another man.

Aleksunder, who should be a model for all of us, has also slightly hinted that gays are not men and that lesbians are not women, but something more ambiguous, something that “threatens a prospering way of life”. Therefore, following his logic, a female that likes vaginas is not a woman, but an illness, something that should undergo “conversion therapy.” Right? I had no idea that genitals hold such power and that a ‘way of life’ is ruined simply by what we hide behind our pants. Also, claiming that he would not accept his children if they were to be gay speaks volumes.

The Daily Tribune. What a load of crap. Is it in our genes to oppress others and form minorities or is it just the evil in us creating a melody? A synchronised ocean of voices following a tune that lapsed from the very first note? Stupidity should not be followed; ignorance must not be praised. We must cease creating demons in an already toxic society. Instead, we should cut their throats, bleed them dry, and dump them in a wood chipper where their decay might serve as fertiliser for equality.

Alright, I need to tone it down, as I am getting angry again. I could go on forever, but if this is to be the last time I write to you, I’d rather do what this blog is here to do. The reason why you guys have accessed this page.

Collectively, we have now shared over 800 LGBTQIA+ stories. 800!!! I mean WOW. Anyways, the piece that you are about to read is deeply personal. I have taken the hardest and in a way, the easiest decision to end my life tonight.

I’m sorry if I’m disappointing anyone, but as I said earlier, I have already drowned. All that is left is a rational but lifeless corpse who seeks something that is no longer there. I have one request though, if I may - that you won’t perceive this as a sign of weakness, because trust me, it’s anything but that. Remember me through my blog. This is the best, the happiest and the proudest version of me.

This is the story of a boy... of me, ending my life.

The Half Soul by Assi Leirut

I wonder what others see when looking at a lotus. Is it its royal petals? Its colours? A symbol of Buddhism? Or just another flower? My steps slow down, fighting against an unseen weight that pins me to the ground. I recognise myself in the lotuses, in their ability to easily conceal secrets behind stainless facades. In their constant struggle to float above the surface. The thoughts become unbearable, blasting one after the other, offering me little time to breathe. I am to die as I was born. Wrong. A lotus is known to survive droughts longer than two hundred years and still be able to fully bloom. For a long time, I thought I shared a similar resilience, but my own body weakened, withered in time. I reach the edge and my fingers brush back and forth on the cold stone. Even at night, the city is alive. More so than I am. A mesh of lights encompasses the surroundings, painting colours onto shapes and shapes onto darkness. However, one mustn't be fooled by illusions, for behind this fragile man-made curtain of Eden, the moon is as full and as in control as ever.

I climb on the edge and look down at freedom. A terrible but alluring sight.

Cement, lamp posts, cement, cars, the clock tower, couples holding hands, 11:21, couples, a pug,

couples, couples, couples, couples,

couples

holding hands.

I place the laptop down, raise both arms on each side of my body, swing around in a tiny pirouette, and jump on my back.

The absence of light crowns darkness as the supreme queen. What a merciless reign. All of my memories are absorbed into her void only to be fed back to me - slackly, as one does with a toddler.

Blackout.

The first punch comes in school,

Why so effeminate fag?

Blackout.

The second comes at home,

Why can’t you be normal?

Blackout.

Grandma Ferazia kisses my temples.

I know you’ll be something special, after all, I named you.

Assi - my tiny god.

Blackout.

Third, fourth, fifth punch greet me randomly on the street.

I lose count.

Blackout.

I limp my way home,

Scrub the blood and saliva away,

An hour in the shower but I can’t seem to wash the shame away.

Blackout.

Four years pass,

I somehow still feel that shame.

By the way, Grandma died today.

Blackout.

Mom visits me for the first time after moving out.

Are you still… like that?

Bye, mom.

Blackout.

I despise smoking, yet I smoke,

I despise the taste of coffee, yet I sip it,

I despise myself.

Blackout.

Brown eyes, short hair, freckles under eyes, pointy nose

My partner. A couple

a couple, a couple

A couple, but not holding hands.

Blackout.

Posted: 13/03/2157, 12:01 by Admin

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The following is an extract from a Radio Archive.

Radio Vision Archive

Date: 12/03/2157

Min 1:

[Signature tune for Morning Spur plays.]

Min 2:

PRESENTER1

Gooooood morning everybody, you’re listening to Radio Vision’s Morning Spur. I’m Ravi.

PRESENTER2

And I’m Lau.

PRESENTER1

And it’s time for the 6 o’clock news.

[Sound of drumroll plays.]

PRESENTER2

The Minister of Interior Relations announced today that foreign residents and families exceeding the government’s three child policy will be subject to a reduction in their social benefits.

PRESENTER1

He has announced a 23% decrease in annual benefits for foreign residents, whilst families with more than three children will be subject to a 12% decrease.

PRESENTER2

These changes are part of sweeping reforms designed to improve Lerana's economy.

[Silence.]

PRESENTER1

In other news, a 25-year-old man committed suicide last night here in the capital after jumping off the rooftop of a seven-storey housing complex. No suicide note has been identified and police have yet to determine the reason behind his actions. Neighbours described the man as quiet and polite but suffering from mental illness.

His family has declined to comment and have requested privacy at this time.

Min 3:

[The presenters finish announcing the rest of the news and the weather, before moving to the bit where they allow fans of the station to call in and chat with them. A few seconds after the lines are open, the phone rings.]

Min 11:

PRESENTER1 (CONT'D)

Gooood morning and welcome to Radio Vision’s Morning Spur. Start by introducing yourself to everyone and then ask away.

ANONYMOUS MAN

Tell them.

PRESENTER2

What's your name, buddy?

ANONYMOUS MAN

Tell them, now.

PRESENTER1

Tell who? What are you talking about?

ANONYMOUS MAN

The reason why Assi Leirut killed himself.

[Silence.]

Min 12:

PRESENTER2

The police could not identify the reason yet.

ANONYMOUS

Lies.

[PRESENTER1 signal to his crew to hang up.]

ANONYMOUS MAN

His name was Assi Leirut. Lerana should check his blog. You will find the reason behind...

[The call cuts off. Silence.]

PRESENTER1

It’s just 6:05 and we’ve already encountered our first prankster.

PRESENTER2

Charming little fellow.

[Phone rings.]

PRESENTER1

Gooood morning and welcome to Radio Vision’s Morning Spur. Introduce yourself to everyone and ask away.

ANONYMOUS WOMAN

Do the right thing and tell them. Tell them.

[The call cuts off.]

Min 13:

PRESENTER1

I think we had enough calls for today so... let's just listen to music.

THE END