The Capacity of Our Hearts

Now

Leah stood in front of the mirror, pressing her lips together. The artificial strawberry of her lip gloss too sweet on her tongue. She tucked the flyaways of her caramel hair behind her ear and smoothed her sundress. Leah couldn't remember the last time she had dressed up like this.

But today could be the day. The day she kissed a woman for the first time.

First date jitters ran through her, transporting her back fifteen years to high school. Leah felt like a teenager again.

Zach appeared in the doorway of their bedroom, casually leaning against the frame with arms crossed. A crooked smile slid across his face.

Their eyes met in the mirror and Leah's cheeks flushed.

"What?" she asked.

Zach came up behind Leah, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Samara is one lucky bitch."

Leah laughed. "Are you jealous?"

"Pssh, no way. I'm whatever the opposite of jealous is." Zach pressed his lips against Leah's neck. "Unless you're not coming home tonight," he whispered, his breath warm on her skin. Even after five years of marriage, and over a decade together, Zach still had the ability to undo Leah with a simple breath.

Leah tipped her head towards Zach's and tousled his blonde curls. "Thank you for this," she said. "For everything."

Zach lifted his head and spun Leah around to face him, framing her face with his hands. "I know how much Samara means to you. I want you to do whatever makes you happy."

With tears in her eyes, Leah nodded, and Zach kissed her forehead. Leah pressed her cheek against Zach's chest, holding him so close she could hear the beating of his heart. The strength of its pulse resonated through her body.

Regardless of what Zach thought, Leah knew she was the lucky one.

Then

Samara was beautiful, inside and out. Leah knew that. She and Samara had been best friends since kindergarten, and even as a five-year-old, Leah had recognized that Samara was extraordinary. Leah was immediately drawn to Samara. Her sleek raven hair, olive skin, and striking ice-blue eyes were a rare combination of beauty, but her energy was something else entirely.

At first, Leah assumed her feelings were akin to that of a sisterly bond, one that was purely emotional. Leah had one younger brother, no sisters of her own for comparison. Leah and Samara did everything together. Girl Scouts, tennis, swimming lessons at the beach every summer.

But as the years went on, and they moved through middle school and then high school, something shifted inside of Leah. She became more aware of her body, how just a simple glance from Samara's bright blue eyes would light a match in her stomach, how she was mesmerized by the grace of Samara's body on the tennis court and in the water. By ninth grade, Leah knew it was something more.

Samara would kiss Leah on the cheek, in a lifelong-friend-kind-of way, but the heat permeated deep into Leah's skin, deep into her core like silk ribbons slipping into her veins. Samara drew Leah in and held her close, closer than anyone else had. Leah treasured her connection with Samara quietly, trying to hide her blushes and averting her eyes whenever they were in the locker room together. Leah knew Samara better than anyone else, but she didn't know how Samara would react if she revealed her true feelings.

Like all the other girls in high school, Leah and Samara gushed about their crushes over pizza and weekend sleepovers. They giggled their way into insomnia-induced hysteria, imaging adulthood based on their MASH predictions. Leah was destined to marry Keith, the quietest kid in their class, become a teacher, and have three kids while living in a shack in the woods. Meanwhile, Samara would marry Tyson, the hottest guy on the football team, become a model, and live childless in a mansion by the beach.

To Leah, at the time, this had sounded just about right, given her own shyness and misfortunes and Samara's beauty and ambitions. After all, Samara had been dating Logan, the gorgeous soccer captain, while Leah remained unpartnered most of their high school years. Sure, Leah went on a few dates with guys she found attractive, but they could never measure up to Samara.

No matter their dating status, Leah and Samara always found time for each other. Even more so during the weeks before going their separate ways to college. They had dreamed about escaping rural Pennsylvania and attending one of the trendy California universities together.

But it wasn't meant to be. Leah was crushed when she realized her scholarships wouldn't be enough and she couldn't afford the astronomical tuition. Leah's family was both too wealthy and too poor, according to the government. Plus, Leah's parents were saving for two college funds, not just one like Samara's parents.

Heartbroken, Leah had urged Samara to go to California without her. She wouldn't allow her best friend to give up her dream of going west, especially since Samara received a full ride to UC Davis. Leah gave Samara permission to pursue her dream while sacrificing her own.

As Samara headed off to California, Leah stayed behind and attended the local community college instead. She and Samara had daily Skype sessions until Samara's busy schedule, and the three-hour time difference, began to interfere.

Being a commuter at the community college meant Leah made very few friends. She didn't linger after class or insert herself into her classmates' conversations. That wasn't her.

Leah's loneliness grew like a stubborn weed, wrapping its tendrils around her ankles and pulling her down into the damp soil of depression. By the end of her first semester, Leah was miserable. Samara's absence had created a chasm in Leah's heart.

Zach had been the one to change it all.

Leah had noticed him slipping glances at her during their English Lit course. She wasn't completely blind to Zach's boyish smile, his grown out cornsilk hair that curled around the brim of his backwards-turned Philadelphia Flyers cap, or the radiance of his sapphire eyes.

One day, Leah was directly behind Zach leaving the classroom after the professor had handed back their test papers. Zach flippantly looked over his test, shrugged, and then threw it in the garbage can on his way out.

Leah gaped.

Looking over his shoulder, Zach caught the shock on Leah's face. He looked around, as if he had missed something. He and Leah stood there as the other students filed past them in the hallway.

"What happened? Did something happen?" Zach asked, confused. He was fully facing Leah now, his blue eyes wide. It was the first time he had spoken directly to her.

Leah blinked and swallowed her embarrassment. "You...you just threw out your test..."

Zach looked at the garbage can and then back at Leah, not understanding. "Yeah, so?"

"You're not going to use it to study for the final?"

A small smirk lifted on Zach's face. "Study?" He uttered the word as if it were in a foreign language.

Dumbfounded, Leah asked, "Do you not...study?"

Zach laughed, shaking his head. "I actually don't. But," he said, "maybe you could help with that?"

Still in shock from Zach's actions, Leah had managed to agree to meeting Zach in the library the following day. Despite their widely different opinions on test preparation, Leah found that she and Zach had a lot in common and their conversations flowed effortlessly.

Where Samara's absence had left a gap, Zach's love had forged a new junction.

Now

The butterflies took flight in Leah's stomach as Samara turned and spotted Leah as she stood on the sidewalk. Leah couldn't move. Her heart pulsed in her ears as sweat rose to the surface of her skin.

How many times had she seen Samara, her best friend?

How many times had they greeted each other over the past thirty years of their lives?

It didn't matter. Leah knew from the light in Samara's eyes that this time was different.

With the confidence of a runway model, Samara approached Leah in a whirlwind with the gentlest force. Samara took Leah's face into the smoothness of her palms and kissed Leah so deeply Leah forgot they were standing outside, in public with other people watching. Leah lost track of time and space, relishing in the untamed passion newly released from its cage. She didn't want it to end.

Eventually, Samara was the one to pull away, leaving them both breathless.

"I've waited my whole life for this moment," Samara confessed, her blue eyes shining.

Samara had spoken Leah's words; the words Leah had been so afraid to speak herself. A single tear broke free as something beautiful began to unfurl in Leah's heart.

"It's always been you, Lee," Samara said, taking both of Leah's hands into her own.

"But all this time...How did you know?"

"I've been a coward. Pretending and hiding behind guys I didn't even like. You know I've always been the better liar," Samara admitted with a smirk. "The world is a scary place right now, but I'm done being afraid. I don't care what anyone thinks. I just want you."

Leah and Samara mirrored each other as they smiled through their tears of happiness.

"I've always wanted you. It's never stopped," Leah said.

"I know."

Leah wrapped her arms around her best friend, taking in her unique scent of peaches and vanilla.

"I told you I'm the better liar," Samara quipped.

Laughing, Leah leaned back and gazed into Samara's eyes. Pushing a strand of Samara's raven hair behind her ear, Leah asked, "Should we do this date thing?"

Samara tensed unexpectedly. "Wait, Zach knows, right?"

"Yes, he knows. He's fully aware."

Relief washed over Samara's face and Samara squeezed Leah's hand as they walked down the sidewalk. "That man is a real keeper, Lee. Don't ever let him go."

Leah smiled. "I won't, Mar. I won't ever let you go either."

***

Author's Note: This is a fictional piece, though some elements are loosely based on real-life experiences (because what fiction truly isn't?).