Taking a Huge Leap of Faith

Six months ago, I wrote a story about how being gay and a Christian was acceptable. Yes, I can be both. Why should I choose one over the other? I know it's a bit controversial, but I'm not ashamed to say it. For the past five years, I've been through so many heartbreaks and challenges. One of them was the passing of my beloved grandfather in the summer of 2022. He was the only relative that I was close with and I took his loss very hard. I wasn't able to attend his funeral in New York, due to work commitments and transportation issues. So, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him. An enormous amount of guilt hovered over my head. Nearly a week after he was laid to rest, I continued to go to work, despite me feeling distraught and filled with emotions. This feeling was present up to the one-year anniversary of my grandfather's passing. At the time, I had feelings of self-doubt and not being good enough at work. I considered quitting my job several times, due to the fact that the person that I loved so much was no longer here and dealing with confidence issues. However, I made a promise to myself and my late grandfather that I wouldn't quit the career that has been rewarding and respected by everyone at the office.

A couple of months ago, I had a conversation with someone at work about my feelings of self-doubt and feeling that my hard work wasn't recognized or appreciated. I poured my emotions out, expressing how much I missed my grandfather, and he wanted me to keep going in life instead of giving up. They told me that my career wasn't a reflection of who I was, nor it had any effect on my worth and everyone at the office appreciated me so much. I couldn't control my emotions, because I was glad someone told me those things. It gave me a sense of reassurance that everything will be alright, as long as I believed in myself. No one, not even my estranged parents, never told me things like that growing up. Fast forward to now, I'm starting to have a bit of a positive outlook of life, something that was difficult for me to do previously. I'm not saying that everything about my life is perfect or that I'm a Saint. There will be days of struggle and challenges, but I know that someone will help and guide me through this thing called life.

I don't expect you or anyone to understand what I've talked about so far. Also, my intention wasn't to force my beliefs onto everyone. The things that I've said in this story are what I've gone through. Just because I'm gay, it doesn't mean that I'm less of a person and don't believe in God. I never understood why morality had to be determined based on how good or bad of a person you are. I also never understood why many people place morality on such a high pedestal. Everyone isn't perfect and neither am I. For example, two consenting male adults of the same sex is beautiful. Not once I've saw it as sinful. Gay Christians like me do exist. We're not all sex-crazed individuals. We're actually very kind people, if you get a chance to know us.

In closing, I rely so much on Jesus today because no matter who I am or what I'm going through, his unconditional love for me will never waver. I surround myself with positive and supportive people. Just to make something clear to everyone, I started to believe in a higher power, not to fix or rid myself of anything, but to have a bit of peace in my life. Losing my grandfather was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Three years later, I can be fully assured that he will always be with me in spirit. I know that he is smiling down from heaven, impressed with how I'm doing. God will always be there for me, and He loves me, no matter what. No matter what higher power you believe in, just remember that someone will always have your back.