Sidelined

How can I begin to tell you this?

What I’m not allowed to say aloud

Your birthday is here once again

Yet I am frozen with uncertainty

How should I address a gift to you?

Wishing not to lie to you or to me

In filling the card, the dreaded 'From'

So I don't, I close the cart and weep

My love and joy whenever with you

The realest and only time authentic

So very long there was nothing else

Just the bandage you could provide

Only now it seems I'm almost gone

Not your fault, and not your choice

Even I feel sidelined from decisions

Our clan now divided by unjust fear

How could this be worse than me being

… Not

Those years 'Uncle Bear’ was there

That’s me no longer, but I'm still here

Only the first part of before is gone

You only knew a version, a mask,

Now I wish to introduce your 'Auntie'

Who am I? So many names to choose

For you to pick, for me to proudly use

When the times comes and I can return

The name you bestow will be special

Just as you have and will always be to me

My heart you stole from your first breath

In my sight, from that moment I was yours

I only wish that we say 'hello', very soon

To meet in a way, for the very first time again

Now that shell is broken and gone, unlike me

The auntie who you met without meeting

Still here for you, the same just newly named

Waiting with love for them to tell you of me

Until you are told, this is now me. This is me

Sidelined ... Waiting ...

With love