Self Acceptance

Don't we all wish that sometimes whe could just silence ourselves when speaking to that inner voice ours? Some of us being so mean to that "little me". So harsh... Sometimes? Always?

Hi, I'm Miles, nice to meet you.

As a child I've always had this feeling of being different from the other girls, and I always pushed myself to be what society expects me to be. My friends preferred playing with dolls, preferred dressing in beautiful pink fairy dresses and wearing a tiny bit of make-up. Participation was hell, why? I never was able to answer with the correct words...

Birthdays, all I wanted was to pick my present in the boys isle, but would I dare go there and face the judgmental looks from strangers? Parents?

Do I settle for the dolls I'm never going to play with? " My angel, mommy and I will go with you, let's go get you the latest Mustang. " my dad said while kneeling in front of me.

I guess my parents were always supportive of my choices when it comes to my preferences on clothes, boys toys etc. But did they know back then? Did they know who I would grow up to be, or shall I say WHAT?

Sweet 16 is what they call it! This is the best time, you're a teenager now! Exploring, boyfriends, sleepovers, first kiss etc.

On my 16th birthday I went to the shops with my mom and dad, after doing the birthday shopping and standing in the queue there was the magazine that would haunt me... Written big on the teenage front page " When did I realize that I was gay? ". My heart started to beat right out of my chest, it almost felt like I was short of breath, what is happening? Is this panic? WHY? "Mom, may I please have this magazine?" and without any questions asked, she took it and placed it in the trolley.

Got home, completely forgot about the amazing gifts that was just bought for my birthday, immediately took the magazine from the shopping bag and drifted of to my bedroom. Page 9... My first ever panic attack... Some people knew they were gay at the age of 8... I don't want to be gay... What if God hates me? I mean the bible says that this nonsense is an abomination, man shall not lay with man. I try to imagine what it would be like to kiss a girl " No, no, no this is a sin. Come on, you know this is disgusting. You definitely have a crush on Leo " I try to convince myself that this panic is unrealistic and that I have nothing to fear, as I am NOT gay.

Horror, this damn magazine is just causing me trouble. Day in and Night out I had nightmares... I would have relationships with girls and God would punish me. My family abandoning me. The devil hugs me and says " Welcome child, you belong with me ".

"Mom, I'm scared!!! I don't want to be gay!!!" I was crying, having the deepest fear of what is happening to me. I went to bed soaked is stress and I woke up with a bright light of fear and overwhelming stress all over again. My mom and dad always tried to make me feel better by telling me I'm not gay. This went on for weeks... One day I woke up crying again, the devil welcomed me again in my dreams. When I went looking for comfort from my parents, they got frustrated " Damnit! If you go on like this, you will turn out to be gay!!! " The fear, I just lost my parents...

I stopped talking about the nightmares...

18 Years old, FINALLY the self acceptance arrived and religion departed...

How can I accept myself today and be loyal to a god who banishes people like me? Where was he when I tortured myself? Where??? I was at the point of taking my own life, because I refused to let the devil have my soul!!!

Gay... Finally I know all the answers... All this time, after all the self destruction... I was only being me, just myself, gay...