Searching for Normal

Most people probably wouldn't choose Provo Utah as a place to live when they are Gay and have a love affair with rocks and incense. I've thought a lot about where to start my story. Should it be back when I was kid being raised in the Catholic church? Or that time I was forced out of the closet and took my family years to be like, "Oh yeah ok, that's fine." I will be going off on some tangents so just bare with me. I promise I have a point... I think... It's an adventure.

Truth be told there really isn't, in my opinion, one natural starting place for this. So I am going to start about a year ago, right about when COVID started. Right around when the lock down really got under way. I was twenty six and sadly living with my parents. This was the result of being jobless for a few years prior. I had spent my time house sitting and freelance writing to make money, but that wasn't quite enough. So naturally I moved back into my childhood home. My mother and I had always been close. I think she always kind of knew I was gay. Quite vividly I recall her stopping me in my room one day and just straight up asking. At the time my fourteen year-old self was mortified. My Dad was and still is an active member of the Catholic church. Though never once had I heard during mass that being gay was bad, (As that was not politically correct) it was still quite clear. The hate for such things was more evident in Sunday school and when we would brush past that section of the Bible with many a meaningful look around the room. When gay rights would be mentioned on the news my dad would launch into a homophobic tirade. At that point I was still afraid of him. With all of that I had grown to hate who I was at a very young age. My mom would always try to gently encourage me, but that never felt like it was enough or like it was right. eventually in high school I started to think that maybe my Dad was wrong. It all boiled down to dinner one night, where he got on me about not going through with my first communion and all that when I was younger. Eventually our argument got heated, as always, and it was blurted that it was because I liked girls and boys the same way.

As you can imagine that went over super well. For years we just didn't talk about it, I went my way he went his. There was a time where he started asking me again about rejoining the church. I told him I was pagan. And you guessed it, another argument. This time I stormed out of the house throwing the rosary he had given me in his face. After that we avoided each other, or rather I avoided him as much as possible. He still has that rosary and as much as I would like to ask for it back, I'm afraid to bring it up, we're in a good place now. This pattern was basically my entire life with him. So being that I lived with them again as an adult well that was just great. I was no longer afraid so basically my dad and I argued on a daily. My mom had changed for the worse. She was depressed and her body was just starting to give out. Her and I started to fight just as much. Mostly she would be having a hard time and I would fall for the bait. Let's be real my mental health has been awful for most of my life, but that is a story for another day.

Now you may think I up and got myself out of that super quick but it lasted about three or four years. So now it's the end of 2019, my parents and I are not on good terms, the good news was that I was back in school and had a job as a Vet Tech part time at a mixed practice animal hospital. Things were ok. I had my chosen family that I love dearly and miss now that I live in Utah. But things just still weren't what I needed them to be. I had never in my life felt so out of place. I started making TikToks and met these people on the app and started making a story with them. Late nights melded into each other and we became closer than we ever expected. And looking back I would agree that like, yeah that was a bit much. But then COVID hits and I'm doing online school, work went curbside, we were trapped together. So I start talking to these internet friends even more. We find out more about each other and it becomes apparent that one of them is in a bad domestic situation and I leave that there for the time being. Now this particular person was the one that knew the most about me at this point.

As unadvisable as it was we met up, She and our other friend drove out to New Mexico for a weekend. We hung out and filmed and staged her intervention. Once they went back to Utah she started her divorce process and I lasted maybe a week before having a huge blow out fight with my parents. So now homeless I go to Provo Utah the next day to stay with these people. Well things with the divorce are heating up and I really enjoy them and I have more opportunity here so I did what a crazy person would do and in two weeks packed my stuff, quit my job and moved to Utah.

So anyway I lived in a hotel for a couple weeks. During that time I worked at a paint and glass manufacturer for one day. It was so horribly unsafe and terrible and not worth the pay that I quit that evening. Two weeks later I'm back working as a Vet Tech but now in Salt Lake City. I am getting paid more, I have benefits and I am happily approaching my fourth year in the profession. But back to me and the woman who is now my girlfriend and the absolute insanity that was my first six months here. There a few times that the cops had to be called because the divorce had turned ugly. I was doing my best to keep her and her daughter safe. We are fine I want that to be clear. It has for the most part worked out.

So we are going to fast forward to present day. We are dating, we live together. Parenting is weird and wonderful and confusing. I had to give up my pets. They live with my parents. I haven't really gotten to see my chosen family since moving. I full on screamed it at my parents before leaving that I was who I was and that was just how it was. My mom took it well, my dad as you can imagine not so much. He and I didn't talk at all for nine months. Eventually he came around, largely due to the fact that he was diagnosed with autism and is in therapy. He admitted that he still struggles with the whole LGBTQ+ thing, but is actively attempting to change his stance; be more accepting. To be honest that is all I can ask for really. My girlfriend has left the LDS faith and her parents are still on the fence, we have hopes that they'll get there.

So now that we have the very short version of my life story on the table we can address my current troubles that lead us down yet another rabbit hole. I have never been somewhere that was so heavily influenced by faith, I won't say much more on that, but has been a trip. However, in this crazy tornado I have created for myself I have found so many amazing people that I am proud to call friend. My co workers are amazing and for once I love my neighbors, like they may need to move with me if I move again. I am now on this path to finding myself. I thought I had, but that turned out to be wrong. I have always been so timid and this has forced me to finally grow a backbone. No things are not perfect, but nothing is ever perfect.

I'm still struggling, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My Dad and I have agreed to start fresh. Things are working out. I hope to write more on this kind of thing. More about my life because it has been an adventure. I spent so much of my childhood and young adulthood hating myself because I liked girls. I was very wrong and retraining my brain is not easy. I know one thing though, I have never been this happy or felt this safe. I am finally safe to explore who I am as a person and I have the world's best girlfriend right there with me. For anyone just starting out on their path... I promise it works out, be brave, be you, don't be afraid to reach out, we've all been there, and we're in this together.