Sarah's Journey out of the box

I’m Sarah, I was born a male, and for the first part of my life, nothing was amiss. However, fast forward to my teenage years, and being socially awkward, add having a life-threatening peanut allergy at a time when it was not common, and parents who were learning how to act because any camp or sleepover could be fatal to their only son. Were they loving? Yes. Were they supportive? Yes. But, being a loaner, I spent a lot of time either with them or by myself. On one of one those days, I started to ask myself questions. I was 13 at the time. I was being naughty and started to snoop through my parent's drawers to see what I could find. Finding clothing from my mom that she never wore, it was a bodysuit, halter top, and panties. I tried them on, and it felt amazing, weird for a boy to be wearing something girly, but it felt right, wasn't sexual in any way.

This was the start of me questioning myself. I kept it hidden, my parents probably knew, but they hid it well.

Fast forward to college, and now I am on my own, 24/7 with roommates but on my own, and that is when the Female Items I had exploded. I used to buy off a fledgling eBay, and then one day realized that I could just as easily go to Sears or Zellers to buy panties or other things and not pay shipping charges. Was during this time that my panties collection exploded. Was I transgender...was I a crossdresser or just a sissy. This was the early 2000’s, so Transgender was not something that was common, I remember seeing images of SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery) they were very crude drawings, but those images still stick with me. I didn't know what I was, so I just kept pretending to be male, but every now and then I would slip on a pair of panties and feel the confidence boost, it was never sexual, just felt better, more confident somehow.

Then I tried to bury the feelings when I met the love of my life, but that was still nagging at me, and when we moved, I realized that my collection of panties ballooned up to over 150 pairs, and I couldn't hide it anymore, so when we moved I did a huge clothing purge, dumped everything except for a few pairs of panties, a couple of bras and a few things I didn't want to part with.

I then buried that box deep into a storage space, where it remained for a few years until the lure just couldn't be ignored and the box was reopened. Now it was 2018 or so, and those thoughts of what I am came back hard.

Now Transgenderism was no longer a bad word, it was mainstream, and then I learned a new word. Gender Dysphoria and I realized that was something I had been battling since I was 13.

So, in the first months of the worsening Covid pandemic, I hit a bad low in depression so I started to reach out, therapists and I did self-referrals to the Canadian Association of Mental Health (who runs a nurse led Transgender Clinic), as well as a few other options.

In september of 2020, I finally started a testosterone blocker and Estrogen.

Always self-conscious of myself, my weight, the fact I was a man, but during my teenage years I grew breasts, never felt like I was in the right body, and then I started to grow body hair and was just so much that I hated it, but shaving caused bad bumps. I felt stuck and just lived with it.

Do I wish now that my 15 or 20-year-old self did something and started to transition then, instead of in my late thirties yes, absolutely! However, feeling the changes starting now, is amazing. They are slow, but it makes it fun to wake up every day, and see what might be different today.

The biggest surprise that I have had. That Trans Women like their Cis Female counterparts, can experience and some of us, get, a Cyclic Monthly Syndrome. Which is a fancy word to say, P...M...S…, all of the same symptoms, just not the blood. The first month didn't feel it, the second month I had a bunch of symptoms (bloated, gassy, and OMG salt cravings), and then in month three, I found out that it was possible and totally makes sense now.

I am proud of being Transgender, am not out totally yet, but I am proud, for me, it is baby steps, but I hope that more of us feel able and feel comfortable enough to come out and embrace who we are!

But my biggest advice, to look out for yourself, and if something doesn't feel right, then find someone else.

I went with one provider, and I felt that even though they were amazing, I felt that I was being led along, think carrot and donkey. After 7 meetings, and no hope for HRT, I found another provider, and I am soo happy.

But now, I am realizing that I need to find a good therapist to help sort my thoughts out (and to build a rapport with so I can get letters for surgery). Now that word scares me. Surgery...physical, no going back changes. Bigger boobs, I can hide, getting laser hair for facial hair removal and dealing with body hair is just an added bonus, but going for surgery scares me. That is the difference between, am I lying to myself or is this who I am to be. Because once things are changed they are changed. Once things are removed, or changed they are changed, there is no going back. There is no more who I am. No more male or female, or both, it would be definitive that I am now female.

Being transgender is a journey, a journey that there is no definitive book, but I can look to other trans women who I admire, everyone knows Laverne Cox, but before I knew of her, I knew of a lesser-known amazing woman. Kayla Autumn Ward, I have followed her transition from who she was to what she is now, a beautiful women, that if you didn't know, her story, would guess she was a CIS Female. They are my inspiration, my trans sisters are my support, and my two best friends who know me, and know my struggles are my help.

Support...that is also a word that I have issues with. Some say it because it makes them feel like they are being inclusive, but they don't really want you to ask them for help. Others say it because they actually mean it, but because so many of us feel shunned by the first group, makes one wary of the second group.

But when I say to anyone that I am there to help them, to listen when they are down, to listen when they are ok, I mean it, because I know what I went through, and I hope that one day, someone reads this, and goes, holy crap that's me.

I’m Sarah, and I am transgender.