Raging Homosexual

I just broke the metal gate.

Before that, I finished masturbating

just for a release of energy.

Usually I think of nothing when I masturbate,

but I thought of the boy who once loved me, who once said

“I really want to kiss you right now.” The one I nuzzled.

There was tension in the air.

Finally it started sprinkling.

Kissing the parched desert floor.

I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you were gay sooner.

You remember the time we were driving in the SUV?

No, what's that?

Well, your mom and I were wondering about you, you know,

being gay. It crossed my mind. I just brushed it off

and I made a joke that I want grandchildren.

I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.

I made a little joke about you being gay,

I didn’t figure it out earlier for some reason.

I’m sorry.

No, I actually don’t remember that, that’s one I erased from my memory. When was that?”

Oh, I don't know, a while back. You were maybe 7th or 8th grade.

You just went quiet.

I just played it off and made a joke that I want grandchildren someday.

…

And that friend you had?

You had a friend around that same time.

I feel bad.

I wanted to protect you from him, not really distance you,

but he seemed like he might be gay and

I just thought you were straight so

I thought I didn’t want him to hit on you.

You wanted to protect me from the queers?

No. I would never say that.

You’re talking about Matthew?

He was Hispanic I think. You were probably in middle school.

We went to Fry’s for your birthday party. Remember that?

Well I’m sorry for all the times in the past I’ve been like that.

Said little things like that.

The gentle touch of the spitting rain the sun gifted me kept me sane.

I played the fully recovered persona and decided to laugh it off.

Growing up gay, I got too good at pretending to be okay.

I was trying hard this time.

I remember Bryan and Taylor saying similar things to me growing up.

Taylor was at least bisexual so he thought he was supreme.

Nacho Supreme.

The tension was subsiding.

Well that’s Taylor for ya.

So how did you respond when he came out to you and Mom?

Oh yeah. That was kinda weird.

And he gave you a grandchild. Are you happy now?

…

I am not homophobic.

I may have said some things from which I heard that I was just

repeating. But that was the society, that was the environment.

It’s just human nature.

There is no language, there is no language

for people who are straight to understand what its like to grow up gay!

No, no, no this is just two people communicating.

Matthew Shepard was in my heart. Harvey Milk.

Countless individuals forgotten by time.

Forward. Backward. Forward. Backward.

I was slamming the gate open and closed.

I just broke the metal gate.

Mom’s voice broke the deafening silence echoing into the void,

“You’re breaking it!”

GOOD!

I launched a trash can like an anorexic incredible hulk.

I CAN GO SO MUCH HARDER,

“I know. I just want to know how we can help.

We just want to understand.”

I am angry! Let me be angry!

The masculinity in my voice surprised me.

During the whole fiery display I rammed the gate into my toe making it bleed,

but I didn’t notice

because Dad was tearing up old wounds within me.

He wanted to heal.

I wanted to speak my truth,

not be the doormat to other’s sorrow.

I still have trauma from you.

You have done harm to me!

I just broke the metal gate.