Let Your Freak Flag Fly

If you don't feel like you fit in where you are, you have two options: beat 'em or join 'em, right? Of course, there are numerous other possibilities, like moving away or finding new people to hang out with, but, as a teenager, these options weren't really available to me. Unfortunately for me, the people I wasn't fitting in with were my family, and almost my entire class. Don't get me wrong, I had some friends, but that wasn't enough to shield me from the feeling of constantly grating up against everyone and everything, like rubbing sandpaper the wrong way.

So, after carefully considering my options, I found myself falling staunchly into the camp of being true to myself, no matter the damage to my social status. Fortunately for me, or perhaps unfortunately, I didn't have much social status to damage. Although it was difficult to live as my authentic self, it was also very liberating. I couldn't wedge myself into the Abercrombie & Fitch-wearing cookie-cutter shape of everyone else anyway.

Art had always been my passion, but it now became my refuge and my means to living as my fullest self. I stayed up all night writing poems, painting, even desinging websites. I got up a full hour before school to have enough time to do my eye-liner in a style reminiscent of Siouxsie Sioux. (I was completely into the music and look of goth rock.) I also tried my hand at something new--designing and sewing clothes to complete my look.

I can still remember going to Jo-Ann's to get my first cut of fabric. It was a sheer black, almost tulle-like texture, with silver stars printed on it. I saw it and fell in love instantly. Out of it I made an shirt with long bell sleeves, which I'm sorry to say no longer fits me and probably never will again. From there I made silky skirts, jean skirts, and even a patchwork one for a friend. I was always too afraid to try my hand at pants, yet for some reason was determined to make a full-length satin gown. As my wardrobe grew, so did my confidence in my craft and my creativity.

My confidence in myself grew as well. It was hard to find clothes that were really "me" in any stores nearby. This was the early 2000s as well, so the age of online shopping hadn't really taken off yet. I suppose it would have been possible to order clothes that I'd like from a website, but I would have needed my mom's credit card, and her permission to tie up the phone line to pick out items and purchase them. She wasn't keen on forking over either of those, so cutting and sewing my own clothing was not only a way to explore my creativity, but also a necessity for me to be able to express myself through fashion.

Like many people, as I grew older I began to conform more. In college I was surrounded by like-minded souls, so I didn't feel the need to differentiate myself from the herd with my clothing as much as I had before. I didn't bring my sewing machine with me to school either, which meant I only really worked on clothes in the summer. Later, I went into teaching, a career I enjoyed, but one that is certainly restrictive on creative fashion. Don't get me wrong, I was still the teacher with tattoos and blue hair, but I wasn't able to dress as my authentic self. When my coworkers asked me one day if I had dark green khakis and a jean jacket for a photo shoot, I realized that I no longer recognized myself in any of my clothes.

While I couldn't realistically wear fishnet and sequined bras to school, I found refuge in a scene I hadn't visited since college--the club scene. There, I felt free to be anyone, including the real me. I also felt free to add another layer to my self expression as I came to terms with my queer identity. Although I wasn't at all comfortable being out at school, I felt intense joy and complete peace within myself while dancing with my friends at the local gay bar.

Getting back into the club scene also helped me get back into clothing design. I spent a lot of time being burnt out from teaching, ocassionally working on smaller crochet or sewing projects, but dancing gave me the motivation I needed to create a new wardrobe for myself.

Again, I was partially motivated by a lack of options. I searched high and low for gender neutral fashion options that didn't look like large beige tarps, only to come up empty. I longed to explore colorful, vibrant fabrics and daring cuts beyond the narrow confines of gender. I began to take my clothing design to new heights, designing sexy, fun club wear for all bodies. My dream became to create clothing not only for myself, but for other queer clubgoers who couldn't find themselves reflected in mainstream fashion.

When I think back to my first time in the fabric store, I had some inkling that it was a magical moment, but I had no idea that it would lead me here. While we often look back with embarrassment and regret on our teenage years, I know I would go back and thank myself if I could, and acknowledge myself for being brave enough to live as the real me. I would also tell myself that things would get better, that someday I would find other people to not fit in with, and a place where I felt at home.