Infinately

Tate watched as her friends, Sam and Cat, in the seats next to her, in the dark close the distance between their hands, it was profound. And something was awakening inside of Tate, changing her.

She tried to keep her eyes on the Nutcracker ballet. But there was something she didn’t want to miss.

Something about the way their fingers intertwined. The way they stole glances at each other. Tate felt like a sparkly vampire that would watch someone sleep. They didn’t notice her at all. It was like they were the only ones here. Enraptured to each other. She hardly knew how to describe it. But suddenly it came to her, this feeling was love.

The days came and went, and she found herself stealing glances at Nettie in Spanish class. Every. Single. Day.

At her blue eyes and curly red hair. Light ebony skin. Her straight teeth and sparkling smile. She even had dimples and Tate was a sucker for dimples and blue eyes. She was absolutely forbidden, but Tate was smitten.

One day Ms. Espinoza asked her to stay after class.

Unsure of what she wanted. Tate collected her things. Hoping to sneak out. But she was spotted.

“Give me a moment,” Ms. Espinoza said.

“Ms. Tate.”

She’d been so caught up in her feelings. She forgot. Forgot that these feelings could be dangerous.

Ms. Espinoza sat down next to her.

“I want to tell you I'm here for you. This is a safe space. Whenever you need me just knock on my door.”

She confessed to Tate. That she too had these feelings. That her fiancée had taken her own life after they announced their engagement due to her fiancée’s family disowning her over coming out as a lesbian.

“I want you to know how strong you are. And how strong you will become.”

“But I'm not”, Tate says

“I've seen you looking at Nettie. Those feelings are real and they are normal. Kinda like a period. It's natural. You don't have to be ashamed. I won't tell anyone.”

“Have you told anyone, what about your sister Hope?”

“Hope is everything I'm not. She's got everything I don't. She's straight and I'm queer. My sister is the golden child. I'm the black sheep. And if my family only knew they'd cut the single strand left between us. I’d lose my family. Even God hates me. Because I'm me. There's no one else I can be.”

With a shaky breath “I can't measure up. I struggle to find my place in a world that hates everything I am. I hang on to the love of God. Love is love I proclaim. But I still feel so ashamed of everything I am and everything I'm not.”

“Be yourself,” Ms. Espinoza said. “Follow your heart.” Tate looked down and notice her smartwatch’s wristband boldly stating love is love.

“But I can never taint something so beautiful. I'm hideous. I have wounds that won't heal. And my family hates me. And I'm scared that the same thing that happened to your fiancée will happen to Nettie.”

“Understandable.”

If a genie gave three wishes Tate would wish for Nettie’s happiness, for her to be blessed beyond measure, and thirdly that no one would break her heart. Even if Tate had to stay away from her, she would do anything for her. That she would always be happy and healthy.

“We are truly free when we remember who we truly are,” said Liberty Freedman her grandmother a Hispanic woman with African roots.

She always had some words to say even if those words were inspired by others. Some sayings stuck around but others Tate could not remember. She wished she could because now that's all she had to remember her grandmother by.

Even when Tate was younger, she felt like her grandmother knew more than she would lead on. Tate did like boys, but she always got bullied by them. Most people would tell her that these boys liked her. But Tate knew better. She was just unlikable.

They went to live with their grandma, Liberty, for some years. Then some relatives. Hope went and lived with their rich relatives who thought she was beautiful and talented. But they didn't take Tate seriously about being an author one day. But Tate didn't have any other thing she was good at.

In the library, Tate looked at the cover of a boy on a flying broomstick, when she noticed the familiar shoes of Nettie Fairchild. But this time they had something unusual on them. A smiley face sticker with a rainbow background

“You're always looking at a book,” Nettie said.

Tate looked up to see Nettie’s dimpled smile.

“God I wish I could kiss them,” Tate said unassumingly.

In horror Tate watched as Nettie chortled.

When she was done she said, “I've been waiting.”

So she pulls Tate in for a kiss and the book falls out of her hands. She is shocked. But gleeful.

Later that day, Tate stares at the phone number and her elegant handwriting.

“Is it real”, Tate whispers. Only one way to find out, she dials the number.

“Hey”, Nettie says breathlessly.

October 31st, they dressed up. In matching hobbit costumes. As Nettie loved the fantasy movies. The elves, the dwarves, the hobbits, and everything else.

They talked for weeks. And shared many kisses in between.

And one day Nettie called her crying. Her other father had been killed by someone homophobic.

“Now they’re both gone,” Nettie cries.

Tate was worried something would happen to Nettie.

Nettie now lost her gay dads. One of her dads had been in prison wrongfully. He’d been accused of pointing a gun at his mother-in-law. And her other father had been killed by a homophobic maniac.

Nettie said she might have to move. Unless her dad's friend, Monique, can get custody of her.

But her grandmother got custody. And Nettie moved away.

Tate was devasted. And inside she knew that things would end up like this because nothing lasted forever.

Tate learned a lot about herself in under a year, but still she didn’t feel confident about coming out. Especially to her conservative parents.

Three Years Later

Tate was near San Diego Bay it was earth day and one of the organizations was helping clean up the beach for turtles and helping lgbtqia+ homeless youth.

Memories flooded back of those white shoes with a rainbow peace sign, but Tate shook her head. That was years ago.

She bought one of the shirts, they had green, blue, and tie dye. She went with the tie dyed one.

She headed to one of the restrooms to change.

When she came out. She heard her name being called. And butterflies flooded her stomach. The voice could only be one.

“Tate,” Nettie calls.

Tate groaned at her trans friend Minnie.

“You totally set me up.”

“Are you not gay.”

“Well, I’m not out!”

What if it doesn’t end well.

Minnie stayed behind. And Nettie ran up to her.

“I used to think till you came around that id be better off dead, but you breathed life into me now the sun is just right, I used to think it was too bright. And the once baren night sky is filled with ten billion lights. All alone till you caught me in your embrace.”

“You’re too good.”

“I’m too bad.”

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes there’s things I can’t take back, there’s no holding my breath for time to turn back because I’m not worthy of any blessings. So why are you here Nettie?”

“A gift too good. The consequences of my past are too big to ignore.”

“Stop looking back.”

And you promise to love me.

Infinitely.