I was a Child

I was a child, introduced to cartoon fiction characters at the age of 5. I recalled watching a show like, what we call nowadays Transformers. Well, there was a show by the name, (Kikaida) in Japan. In this show there was a character, named Heart Woman, whom when turned into her character, would have heart breast shoot out! I found this to be quite interesting. I, at an early age of 5, seemed to find that the woman in the character was very interesting, beautiful. I believe at that time I was having feelings of the same sex. I believed that the emotions I was feeling was an attraction to the same sex. I had seen male figures, but I had no interest in the feelings that I seemed to have for the females. It seemed as if I connected to the female side, but I did not know what these feelings were. I tried to fight these feelings towards the female gender, but as years progressed, I found it quite difficult to shake the feelings of attraction towards the female species. As the years passed, I had encountered a huge catastrophe in my life. I was molested by a family member, whom was the son of a pastor. This took a brutal hit to my whole entire being. I then found myself, not at ease around male figures. Instead of telling, I hid it and was living with massive shame for something I had no control over. The robbing of my innocence had left me in complete need of a mother’s love and guidance. This haunted me throughout my life. I was then again molested, raped by several different men who had made their way into our lives. My parents trusting friends and their own damn siblings. Never even uttered a word of the horror that took place in my life. I still proceeded to try and fit in with our society of trying to fit in and be with opposite sex. Although all these feelings of attractions to female was running through my mind. I suddenly could not take the agony of hiding who I truly was. I then came across a female, in the seventh grade and had my first experience with a female, same gender. We seem to have been talking and then the young lady reached over and kissed me and that’s the beginning of my lesbian life. During this time, I was sure if anyone were to find out that I had kissed a girl, then they would not take to it at all. So, I ended up fighting to keep the fact that I was a lesbian. I knew that I had strong attractions to the female gender, but I had to keep it a secret knowing that my family were deep rooted into the church. During my junior years in mid school, I had gotten into so much trouble, I had gotten arrested on school campus, caught with a bag of marijuana on me! There were eight of us girls, but seven of us got house arrest. My parents did not take to kind to any of my friends during this time. I found my life spiraling down, and I could not control the outcome, eagerly wanting to be me! I was living a mass lie, not being able to tell anyone that I was into the female gender. Which made me a lesbian. Struggling daily to try and come to the realization of who I really was. I then made a promise to myself, that as soon as I hit 18, I would leave, so that I can live my own life. During the times in high school still not completely out of the closet. I struggle with the knowledge of knowing that I had strong emotions for the female gender, and found myself turning to all areas, in which I thought would be helpful to me in coping with my emotions, of having feelings towards the same sex. I then began to drink at an early age, as well as started to smoke marijuana. This was clearly an outcry for help, but I did not know what was going on. I felt so puzzled, confused, and nervous of how to go about letting those I loved, know who I was. There was no one to confide in, since back in the 80’s, there was no talk of that type of behavior whatsoever. Now mind you, during these times there no open-minded individuals flaunting that there is support for an individual with those issues, that have strong feelings towards their own gender. There is a name for these individuals today. That is gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transgenders. Although, I was hoping to be accepted and struggling with what I had to deal with and try not to lose my mind. It seemed as if I were just seeking any type of support but found help in all the wrong places. I continued my journey as a young lady and finally at the age of 18years, which was the year 1985. I decided it would probably be best for me to leave and try and go live my life away from my parents, so that they would not have to deal with this issue of their daughter being a lesbian. That move that I made literally broke my mother’s heart. Allow me to fast forward, 31years later, I met my wife, and between us both we have four beautiful children. It was my wife, who told me to start writing again, and during this CO-VID19, I decided to try to write again in April of 2020. In six days, I had completed my first poem book. “Rainbow Prince” (Into the mind of A Lighted Being), which my wife, helped edit and self-published. I believe all that I write, comes strictly, from the loving hand of God! For he embraces all, regardless our color, sex orientation, and our sins. This book of poems is dedicated to all that our struggling with whom they are and what gender that they feel completes them. Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, and Transgenders, be at peace with who you really are to be. Embrace who you are, for God made us all very uniquely and handle your lives with finesse. I hope this book brings comfort to you in accepting whom you are truly to be.

God bless and always one love.

RainbowPrince