Growth Crying

Tonight I find myself in AW of myself and my life. My three boys are running around the house after a day at the pumpkin patch, not as glamorous as you think lol, but hey we got the pumpkins so that is a SUCCESS. Staring at two baskets of laundry, stressed about things I never thought I would GET TO BE stressed about.

EXHAUSTED in a busy in abundance kind of way. Lately, my clients and I have been calling it 'Growth Crying'. Ya know, when you are so uncomfortable, overwhelmed, a bit of anxiousness, sprinkled in fear because you have push yourself out of your comfort zone. As you ascend it can feel like it is even hard to breathe sometimes and your own mind feels like it is skipping a damn disc. Being scared is natural and so normal because chances are, you are going through a NEW stage of growth. Meaning you haven't been here before and everything you are experiences is unknown. YAY for being scared and doing it anyways! The cycle of emotions that can come from growth crying makes you feel a tad bit crazy, stir in some grief, gratitude, fear, and excitement all mixed into one little anxiety attack hahaha.

20 Months ago I was depressed, suicidal, stuck in a cycles of self hate, shame, and searching for answers. I wrote notes in my phone hoping to find clarity in my thoughts. My entire reality was crumbling as I was being forced to put a label on myself to help OTHERS determine how my future "should" be. Was I pansexual, bisexual, or gay?

Not only was I just discovering this about myself, but I was being told that I needed to put a label on it to determine my future. If I was gay, divorce could be an option. If I was bisexual of any sort, then I had an "obligation" to stay in my marriage because we had kids, regardless of how toxic the relationship was. At the time these were the only two options, aside from suicide I thought I had. Writing notes in my phone seemed to be the only safe place since my journals and facebook messages were monitored and it chills me to look back and re-live those moments.

"One day I hope to know my feelings are truly my own. That my actions are rooted from a place aligned with my goals and desires. One day I hope I can glue the piece of myself together and I stop living for other peoples goals. One day, I want to finally TRUST myself."

Our entire lives we are taught to ignore every instinct we have. Your feelings? Too much. Your sense for adventure? Not Safe. Hungry? Don't eat, ignore your body. Heck, you even got a bad feeling on a first date? Don't think too much about that, that is just how men make you feel. In the process of being groomed for a life of service to others you completely cut the cord of trust with yourself. Some of you might not even know what it feels like to fully trust yourself because you have become a pro at gaslighting yourself. How often do you invalidate your own feelings to justify someone else's actions?

Remembering the darkest moments made my fill with new tears, tears of gratitude. The things I am stressed out about today are things I never thought I would GET TO stress about. Currently, I am writing a blog in a flow of inspiration (pretty dope) while my wife is at work (a struggle). It is interesting because I never thought I would ever have issues with adjusting to being away from my wife. The fact that I 1. Have a wife, still blows my mind and 2. That I would be struggling with her working nights since I really LOVE my alone time. It's not that I don't like being alone anymore, I learned to LOVE my quality time with myself. It is that she enhances my life in a way I never thought possible.

She started a new job working swing shift, we are closing on our first home next week, and today on the last day of an incredible launch for my Mastermind. Business is BOOMING in the best way. Did I mention 2 weeks ago we got married and hosted a Business Retreat for my clients? It has been a month long of growth crying. The ups, the downs, the new levels we are hitting feels unfreaking real!

Life is hard.

Should you stay or should you go? Should you take that path or the other? Both will be hard in different ways. CHOOSE YOUR HARD.

Getting it the next level of any game requires to your overcome obstacles, problem solve, adapt, and do the damn thing. You are never failing, you are just figuring it out. Behind every door there is a lesson to be learned and it is up to you to act on the clarity that comes from each sign and lesson. Try to remember that with each new struggle, abundance is on the other side waiting for you.

If you are struggling right now let me leave you with this. Start with your trust with yourself. Once your grow that connection intuition, you trust yourself. And once you trust your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and decisions your life will CHANGE.

Two weeks ago I married the women of my dreams, my best friend. WE are buying our first home, WE are opening business ventures, WE are building a life together towards growth and guess what? IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE. As growth SHOULD be. Let yourself cry.

I'm off to go put the boys to bed then probably put on some soothing music, light a candle/incense and I do some dishes and laundry at 930pm embarking on a life I never thought I would be capable of living.

Talk soon.