Growing Up Gay: Challenge the Myths of the Male Manual

I haven’t heard of anyone receiving an instruction book for life. Some might say the Bible is their guidebook. But even the “Good Book” doesn’t fully prepare you for what you’ll face, especially in today’s society.

Someone screwed up my code

Growing up, I was clearly different from other boys my age. I wasn’t naturally inclined to play with tractors and trucks in the dirt. I wasn’t obsessed with worms, bugs, and other gross things. Much to my dad’s chagrin, I didn’t gravitate toward farming or sports.

Instead, I often enjoyed clacking around the house in my mother’s high-heeled shoes. I loved accessories, like purses and scarves, too. One might have thought I had a sliver of masculinity when I portrayed Batman or Superman, but what appealed to me was the fashion accessory of a cape.

Before I was aware of sexual intimacy, I knew that “normal” girls and boys were attracted to each other. Even at that young age, I had an intimate inclination toward males, so I wanted to put myself in the female role.

I often played Barbies with my younger sister. I might’ve been able to justify it to my parents by only taking the role of Ken, but I always chose a female doll.

I also loved Catwoman and the female detectives of Charlie’s Angels. It wasn’t because I was attracted to them but because I wanted to be like them. Men easily bent to the wills of these beautiful women. Since being gay was unthinkable, imagining myself in a female persona was all I could do.

I never wanted to be a female, but I displayed more feminine qualities. My friends in school tended to be girls. All of this, from what I was taught, was wrong.

From what I can surmise, most males are instilled with an innate “manual” that dictates their behaviors and thought processes. They have a JSON code that shows {“attributes”: [physical, aggressive, tough], “cries”: false, “attraction”: “girls”}.

It appeared that someone screwed up my code.

Pink vs. Blue

Society reinforced this notion of the need for separation by ascribing to the results of the marketing ploys instituted by major retailers.

Delineated colors were conceived for retail purposes. In short, individualizing colors would make companies more money. Retail corporations began producing clothing and other items for boys mostly in blue. Alternatively, girls were designated as owning the color pink.

Customers didn’t ask for this and babies didn’t care either way. The specific colors chosen could’ve gone in any direction. In fact, early on, pink was considered a more masculine color, and blue was seen as more delicate.

When parents discovered they were having a girl, the baby’s room would be plastered with a preponderance of pretty pink paraphernalia.

When their next child turned out male, could they pragmatically reuse his big sister’s items? No, that wouldn’t do — they were pink! There was no other choice: Little Johnny’s room was blasted with a bountiful barrage of brand-new blue belongings.

Thus, the company would make more money by manipulating parents into buying a completely new decor for their new bundle of joy. This color assignment continues today as we watch TikTok videos of gender reveals ending with the parents enveloped in a cloud of pink or blue smoke.

As beautiful blue balloons bubble into the sky, fathers immediately envision throwing baseballs to their future sons. Mothers picture pretty pink pinafores as a slice into the cake reveals the female-colored filling.

Any logical person could look at these designations of colors and realize blue doesn’t signify masculinity. The sky is blue because blue travels as smaller waves and disperses more prevalently, not because the sky is male.

There’s nothing inherently “feminine” about the color pink. It’s a mixture of white and red, not “sugar, spice, and everything nice.”

Yet, I would’ve been made fun of for wearing a pink shirt as a child. I possessed natural qualities that gave bullies many other reasons to pick on me. I didn’t need a piece of material to act as a flag alerting them from a mile away.

Making up rules

It’s common to learn that corporations do things to manipulate us into spending more money. They do it in every aspect of our lives. It may be a common business practice for the company, but the unforeseen effects can be harmful. We may not like it, but it’s not unexpected.

What shouldn’t be expected is for Christians to perpetuate these sometimes-harmful stereotypes. It’s not that Christians strictly follow the Bible’s teachings. They take it a few steps further by enforcing their personal beliefs and using the Bible as unsubstantiated reference material.

I know many Christians who believe that interracial marriage is wrong, yet there’s nothing in the Bible that supports this notion. Regarding gender, there’s nothing written there saying a man shouldn’t wear pink, abstain from crying, or play with dolls instead of dump trucks.

Even so, many churchgoers scoff at interracial couples. They raise their eyebrows at a girl playing football or a boy wearing earrings. Some look down on mothers who work outside the home. They judge others based on personal biases rather than the written Word of God.

You may want to believe our civilized society has progressed beyond these backward notions. Unfortunately, I often see these misconceived judgments from my family, and I know they exist in others.

Growing up, I automatically believed what my parents taught me. They based their parenting style on supposed Biblical principles. When I became an adult, I began reading and studying myself. I saw that some of the things they instilled were not based on a holy book but on an unwritten manual.

I finally realized I wasn’t the problem.

I was expected to know how to act “like a man” despite these inclinations that went against my nature. After years of depression and self-loathing, I finally realized I wasn’t the problem. My failures to conform were due to being given the wrong manual.

This invisible instruction book didn’t match my original model number. My parents were trying to fit a gay peg into a straight hole. Have you ever bought an appliance and realized the only instructions are in a different language? If you don’t speak that language, it’s beyond confusing.

I don’t completely blame my parents. They were perpetuating long-held traditions and ideations. They were sheep following society’s shepherd and leaders who were religious, but not necessarily Biblical (or logical).

Break the mold

Yes, it’s a well-worn cliche, but it fits the theme. It’s time to stop perpetuating the idea that boys should be a certain way, and girls need to do this or that.

I’m not saying there are no differences between males and females because there are. I’m saying the stereotypical roles we put them in and the expectations we hold them to have become harmful.

Many parents continue teaching their children that who they love is wrong or sinful. How can people still be surprised at the increasing suicide rates among teens?

Growing up gay in a small rural community is difficult. For years I wished I wasn’t gay. Sometimes I still do. However, trying to go against my nature is impossible.

Can you relate? What kind of instruction book were you given? Have you been able to rewrite your code?

I hope you’re not trying to construct yourself using outdated or incorrect instructions. It may be time to burn the manual and live life a little more freely.

*Original version published on Medium