Friend, Cousin, Brother, Men

Friend, Cousin, Brother, Men

Eight and seven

years

peeing together at the toilet

secret glances

comparing

naked under the blue blanket

covers

giggling at the trouble

invited

I should’ve known

friends

you’d be the first

to throw rocks

at my

hide

Twelve and eleven

he explains to me

what a generals helmet is

(fat head)

that I have one

apparently

invites me to watch

porn

I’ve seen advertised like

gold

Both there

eyes straying from the screen

to the action shots

occurring at our

joined together hips

“I filled up my belly button”

giggling at the college student

showering

I should’ve known

Cousins

you’d be the first

to blow smoke

at my

dreams

Twelve to twenty-six

seventh grade to grad school

how to even summarize

the weight of of the time

the effect that you had

In class

staring at your eyes

holding your forehead

they claimed we kissed

in front of everybody

a class of twelve-year-olds

exploding

at the potential of witnessing

gayness

in their Oklahoman midst

You stopped talking to me

for the rest of the day

asked me why

as I tried to explain

my lips

had indeed been my nose

and you were uncomfortable

ashamed?

of me?

Your so-called

Brother?

I came to your apartment

where in the early mornings

your bald head

naked body

no general’s helmet

you openly wept in your bed

showed me the porn

that your ex-fiancée

had made

the awards

the amateur page

the way those eyes stared at the camera

memories I never possessed

but felt all the same

For the most meaningful time in our

Brotherhood

I held you

my bristly cheek

against your swollen skin

every imperfection shoved together

joined together hearts

and said you were worth more

than the way you feel

about yourself

Oh my so-called Brother

she is my everything

I was foolish not to realize

how desperately I loved her

my perfect woman

fallen so easily

into my open lap

I need her

now

tomorrow

yesterday

please

tell me

that you would like her

Tomorrow is Today

she is my wife

the mother of my children

How you slandered her

the vitriolic adjectives

your inner writer awakened in your

rage

I know now how you felt

how you always felt

about my nose

my hug

I know the way your words stain

tarnish

every time you turned your nose up

at a new friend

a change of cities

It was always the girls

from our old high school

you fell in love with

and here you are

judging my choice

my girlfriend

my wife

When I finally told you

how you hurt

“I’m not much good for hanging out anymore”

and to think you dared

throw it back to me

“so-called

Brother”

You are not my brother

my cousin

or even my friend

we are not blood

and I now know

we were never thicker

You three individual men

none are part of this story any longer

how do you feel

knowing these shameful

sexual

encounters we had

were with this homunculus

this chimaera

masquerading as a male

You thought we were bonded in embarassment

that we’d speak none of it aloud

like the boys in the locker room

ashamed of the underwear others wore

to the point of pointing

laughing

wounded prides left and right

See where we landed in life

I still see the smoke pillars

from the burning engines

spinning their wheels

hopelessly

in the fires

of your gendered

pride

I’ve put that fire out now

I learned

even in those moments

filtered through my transgendered lens

of rose colored eyeshadow

I was learning to love myself

by being honest with all of you

You would all still

hide

those days

as if they are minor nuisances

temporary traumas

in the histories

of mere

Men

I should’ve known