Do I have grief...

I was recently asked if I have grief over identifying as a Transgender-Lesbian. Although it wasn’t asked in a derogatory way, the question stirred up a few emotions within me. And in the spirit of it being Pride Month, I thought I would share.

To answer the question directly and in the context in which I believe it to be asked, no, I do not have any grief over identifying as a Transgender-Lesbian. In fact, I’m quite proud of the fact. My only grief in this regard is that I waited until I was 47 to start coming out. I honestly and truly wish that I had come out a long time ago. Hell, I’m not even completely out yet. I still present male due to reasons (now that’s another story), but I’m out to the better part of the people that mean the most to me. And I’ve been on my HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) for over 4 years now. It’s starting to become a wee bit harder to hide the physical changes my body is having. But yeah, I really wish I had come out sooner.

Going with the other emotions this question brought up in me, I have to say, yes, I do have grief in the fact that it took me so long to figure out how I identify and that I had to make this journey all on my own. As I was growing up, I didn’t have a single person I felt I could talk to about any of this. No one was there for me to talk to about how I was feeling, the body issues, confusion, anxiety, sexuality, depression… none of it. Because of the fear I felt, the sheer terror that plagued me every single day for decades, there was no way in hell I was going to take a chance and open up to anyone. Being a kid in elementary school when I started to deal with all this was the foundation on which my life was built. I was a scared, frightened, little child who was all alone.

All of the paralyzing emotions and feelings haunted me every day because society deemed certain traits to be taboo. Just because some people didn’t fit into this cookie-cutter mold others felt everyone should, the “oddities” were cast out, rejected, and refused in everyday society. Because of their empty-headedness, I was left lurking in the back pages of my dad’s porn collection trying to get even an inkling of an idea as to what the hell was going on with me. So, Yes! I do have grief. I have a tremendous amount of grief because of our society’s refusal to educate themselves instead of fearing what they don’t understand. And because of this I’ve had to live in constant fear, self-doubt, and anxiety all of my life. Just try figuring out how to function on a daily basis without letting all that rip you apart.

There is also a large amount of grief for the need to develop all these labels to begin with. First there was the label of Transvestite. It was originated by German sexologist Magnus Hirschfeld in 1910. I learned about this term in 1981 when I was in 6th grade through the advertisements in the back of Hustler magazine. I understood the label to define a person who dressed in the clothing of the opposite gender. I identified with that because I, too, am a male who liked to wear female clothing. So, I identified myself as being a Transvestite when I was 11 years old.

A few years later, I learned about the label Transsexual which was coined in 1949 (according to The Guardian). I understood this label to define a person who liked to wear the clothing of the opposite gender … and who also wanted to change their bodies to reflect the desire to appear as the opposite gender they were at birth. I learned this term from clicking through the channels and running across a Phil Donahue show about Transsexuals when I was about 14 years old. So wait, at this point I loved wearing the clothing of the opposite gender, and yes, I, too, wanted to have my body look more like a female’s body than what I saw in the mirror each day. Sooooooo, I then identified as a Transsexual.

Then I learned about the label Transgender. A label first used in 1965 by Dr. John F. Oliven in a medical paper, it became popular by the wonderful activist and trans-pioneer Virginia Prince who used it in her writing in the 70’s. For me this is where it gets confusing. I understood the label to define those who wish to present themselves to the world as the opposite gender they were assigned at birth, but they did not wish to have surgery to change their anatomy completely to reflect their chosen gender. I learned about the label when I was around 18 and reading an article about how the LGB has added the T when I used pretend to look through magazines while trying to hide that I was only looking to see if there was any information about Transsexuality or Lesbianism. Okay, I’ve been identifying as a Transsexual for years now. However, am I more Transsexual than I am a Transgender. Surgery (back in the 80’s) seemed really invasive and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through that procedure. However, I hate my body and do eventually want to have surgery to feel more complete. OH MY FRIGGIN GOD!!!! Enough with all this crap. Labels suck!

To me they are just boxes to sort everyone into neat little packages so that others can be more comfortable interacting with people who aren’t like them. I find it a damn shame that our society is so incredibly hooked on who is what and attaching labels to other people. We are all HUMAN BEINGS! Believe it or not, LGBT people have been part of this world throughout time. Our stories may have been erased, forgotten or ignored, but we’ve been there, and we will continue to be here. Fitting into a label shouldn’t matter, but I seem to be in the minority on this so there is my grief.

Oh, and to make sure I fit into a box to ensure everyone is more comfortable, I hate that I was born a male. I hate my male body and everything about being male. I am more comfortable with myself and feel 10 times more at peace presenting as a female. I am taking hormones to change my body to be more inline with my soul, and if I get the chance for GCS (Gender Corrective Surgery) you bet I’m gonna take it. So therefore, I identify as a Transgender Woman.

I also happen to be sexually attracted to females, which has nothing to do with how I identify. That’s another major grief I have. Since the majority places others in boxes regarding sexuality, a Transgender person instantly gets lumped in with the expectation that if you are identifying as a Trans-Male, then you must be into women because men typically like women. This is not always the case, but that fact always seems to be overlooked. How a person identifies is completely and totally separate from their sexuality.

My sexuality is that I am a Lesbian. Which, by the way, according to Britannica.com, is a label first used back in the late 16th century by the great Lesbian poet, Sappho. I identify as a woman, as a Transgender-woman, and I am sexually attracted to women. Therefore, I am a Transgender-Lesbian.

Again, I have no grief in identifying as I do. I will proudly fit myself into these boxes so others feel safe. However, there is a great deal of grief in how I came to be in this box.