Brewing T

A while ago, I wrote about the Medicaid unwinding during the Biden administration that left me without my prescriptions. The thing I didn't mention, quite intentionally, was the fact that this unfortunate change also ensured I wouldn't be able to afford my weekly dose of testosterone. I didn't frame it as an attack on my rights as a queer person. I didn't even point to my queerness as one of the reasons I was removed from coverage. It was two weeks after my top surgery, but I understood this as coincidence, and knew millions of people were impacted by the loss of COVID protections, not just queer people.

As we move further into a new administration, steeped in fascism and fear, we must consider the ramifications of further crippling the healthcare system. Budget cuts to Medicaid are but the tip of the iceberg. Access to life-saving treatments, including things like abortion and gender-affirming care, have always been under fire. Still, recent rulings and executive orders challenge people's ability to receive the care they need more than ever before. We must be mindful of this as we continue our efforts to resist the tide of growing fascism and repression in the United States.

I didn't write about not being able to receive testosterone through insurance anymore because my solution to the problem could further complicate my situation. However, the creativity with which I have been forced to act has proven far more practical, budget-friendly, and accessible than the methods provided for trans people through the medical and insurance labyrinth. So much so that I thought maybe I should be sharing the information with others.

Here is the secret I should no longer keep:

I now mix my testosterone injectable at home.

A great deal of care went into this decision and process, and a great deal of help. I wouldn't have done it without the assistance of a trusted friend who has years of experience on me when it comes to purchasing and preparing hormones. Their knowledge (primarily gained online) and math skills were necessary to overcome the uncertainty I felt due to my dyscalculia.

Calculating the dose is the hardest part and one of the most crucial steps. I didn't want to fuck it up. My trusted friend wrote everything out for me and often guides/helps me navigate the process.

Things I don't fully understand, like displacement and density, matter greatly when figuring out larger batches, but rough values work well for our small amounts. For example, if you want 10ml at 200mg/ml, your equation looks like this: 0.2g T + 0.8ml carrier oil = 1ml @ 200mg/ml. Scale that up accordingly, and even with rough values, you have a viable batch of testosterone to inject.

That's vague and unhelpful, but...

I can't see a way to post a step-by-step without making serious trouble for myself.

I think many of you know how to reach me if you're curious. For those who don't know, please find me on Facebook, and I'll reach out to you on a secure venue. I'm happy to help my queer community live authentically and take charge of the care they need.

The pressure we feel right now to conform to binaried standards for living is unmatched, but we needn't concede or comply in advance, and we certainly mustn't give up on being who we truly are.

Safety is a concern for some of my close friends who know I've been doing this. All I can say to them is that the information is easily accessible, as are sterile needles and syringe filters. Luckily, my friend already had the magnetic mixer with a hot plate to stir the solution. I can imagine that being the greatest barrier to self-production. They can run about $60 online. If cost is an issue for anyone, purchasing may be a challenge. My friend found theirs at a thrift store for $20.

I also explain to my friends how important it is to me to take control of my care and to learn from fellow queer people who have had their own experiences with medical transitions. I don't always trust medical professionals to know what is best for me.

When asked, I am quick to remind them that gender-affirming care is pubescent at best. The amount of time and work that needs to be spent improving it to truly meet the needs of trans and non-binary people, specifically BIPOC genderqueer and trans people, is astounding. Western, white-washed, and colonized standards of beauty and "passing" plague the medical intervention we receive today.

It is not necessarily what I call care, and is not always so affirming.

The rigid application of white-cis-heteronormative definitions of gender and attractiveness truncates the fluid experience of gendered expression for many of us.

That's nothing new.

Neither is resistance to that standard.

That doesn't even mention the medical neglect that BIPOC trans, non-binary, and genderqueer people receive from so-called medical professionals. The gaslighting, the lack of empathy, and the overt mistreatment of this community are overwhelming.

We are armed to the teeth with reasons why BIPOC queer people cannot exist. Some people meet the "gender non-compliant" with lethal force, and BIPOC queer people bear the brunt of this.

Honoring my desire to feel less impacted by testosterone between doses, as well as my need to remain true to the ambiguous part of my gender identity, I've changed some things.

I've lowered my initially prescribed dose significantly. I'm uncomfortable with some effects, which I felt more dramatically when taking a higher dose. Lowering my intake has helped with that dysphoria, and as long as my blood work keeps coming back normal, I'm gonna keep my little form of resistance going, even if I get back on insurance.

We all know that trans existence is being threatened, but most may also know that this is nothing new. Just as it has always been, queer resistance, ingenuity, and community will be the beacon through this tumultuous night. Listen especially to our queer BIPOC family, without whom we would not have made it here today. We must honor them, listen closely, and heed.

I also invite you to join me in one small act of resistance. Something of your choosing that helps you practice the act of 'no.' The art of rejecting what does not serve you, letting go of what holds you back, is a priceless craft honed by growth. Do not let these fascists tell you what is right for your body, your community, or your nation.

Say fuck no.

Live it, be it, and trust it.

And as always, stay safe.