Being Transgender

I came out to my grandmother yesterday. I told her, “I’m transgender.” We talked about it and she told me a few times during out talk that she loved me the same and needed time to get used to using new vocabulary to describe me. She asked me questions about myself and about my relationships. She asked me what I wanted from her, so that she could show how much she loves me. It was pretty great.

However, I was confronted with a question that is ever increasingly difficult to answer. “What does it mean to be transgender?”

Different Answers

One answer comes from psychology. Gender identity and gender expression are ideas humans created to try and categorize the world around us. We created definitions based on a small number of observations to fit people into a category. Once that person was in the category, we attributed their other traits to also belonging in that category; especially if several members of the category shared the same traits. This is why we think of men as broad shouldered and women with long hair.

Of course, we know that women can develop broader shoulders through weight training and that men can grow their hair well past their shoulders. It’s clear that the traits we attach to gender categories aren’t fundamental truths of the universe. Maybe, being transgender simply means belonging to one category while wanting traits from the opposite category.

One answer comes from biology. Biological sex is something decided by chromosomes. We’re all familiar with XX and XY pairs, but there can also be XXY, XXX, XXYY, and more. What’s even cooler is that parts of chromosomes can break off and switch with parts of other chromosomes. Which is why you can end up as an XX person with male genitals. In addition to chromosomes, different parts of our brains and bodies develop differently based on a number of factors. There’s even data to suggest that transgender peoples’ brains tend to more closely match their preferred gender rather than their biological sex.

Maybe being transgender can be reduced to a brain scan and a DNA test. But what happens if a person identifies as transgender but has a brain scan that matches their biological sex? Does that mean they’re broken and confused about their own identity?

One answer comes from international cultures and history. In the mid-1900s, little boys often wore dresses and skirts. Both skirts and high heels, two garments widely considered feminine today, were originally designed by men for men. In several island and African nations, their history includes examples and discussion of multiple genders. There’s no denying that people around the world have always existed outside of the boxes of man and woman. Maybe being transgender simply means being human. In one country my existence is a concern and problem while in a different country my existence is simply a way of life.

I had my own questions when I realized I was transgender. I had to question what gender really was. I had to wrestle with the absurd concept of being born in the wrong body. I questioned what I wanted from other people. There was no shortage of days spent asking myself the biggest question. “Am I even trans?”

Eventually, I realized what was happening.

A Sound Only You Can Hear

Imagine hearing a sound, like a slight hum, just playing in your environment. The sound can fade in and out during your days, but you’re never able to quite figure out where the sound is coming from. Sometimes the sound will get so loud it’s distracting. Sometimes the sound is so low you hardly notice it.

Next, imagine that nobody else can hear this sound. They have no clue what you’re even talking about. They say things like, “I don’t hear anything.”

“Is it playing right now?”

“The sound is following you?”

“Are you sure you hear something? Because nothing is playing.”

Despite their objections, you know that you hear this slight hum playing throughout your life. Nevertheless, you’re a reasonable person, so you go to doctors and professionals to get yourself evaluated. They tell you nothing is wrong with your ears or your brain, so they have no clue why you could be hearing a sound that isn’t playing.

Years pass with you hearing this sound that nobody else can hear and it only grows more consistent. The sound is with you when you wake up and with you when you go to bed. It plays that slight humming noise during class, during sports, and during your relaxation. You reach the conclusion that you must be delusional. After all, you’re the only person who hears the noise and the doctors say there’s nothing wrong with you. You must be delusional.

Suddenly, the sound gets quieter.

You think to yourself, “I’m not really hearing a noise because nobody else can hear the noise.”

The hum gets quieter again.

“In fact, I never heard a sound. It would be silly to hear a noise nobody else can hear.”

The hum is even quieter.

“I’m just delusional is all. I can’t trust my own experiences.”

And *click*. The sound is gone.

You move on with your life and forget about this weird sound you heard as a kid. The very notion that you heard a sound that nobody else could hear gets locked inside a chest inside your mind. However, every so often you hear a familiar hum. The hum brings back memories of pain and confusion. You don’t know why you hate the very idea of this hum so much, but a thought appears.

“I’m just delusional. I can’t trust myself.”

With that comforting thought, the sound disappears. For a while anyways.

And that’s how you live. You randomly hear a sound that nobody else can hear, but you always remind yourself that you’re crazy to make it stop. Each time the sound plays, you lock the new memory of the sound in the same box as all the other memories.

One day, you’re with someone and the sound comes back. You grimace a bit as that box of memories begins to shake and rattle. It takes a lot of work to keep a box closed without acknowledging the box exists. “Are you okay?” The person asks you. “Yes, I’m fine,” you say, “My brain does this weird thing where it makes me think I hear a weird sound sometimes. It’ll pass.”

“Oh,” they say, “I hear it too.”

Suddenly it becomes harder to keep the memory box shut and one of the memories slips out. “What do you mean you hear it too?” You ask.

“I hear a slight humming noise playing. It plays all the time when you’re around.”

Another memory slips out of the box. You try to shove it back in by repeating your mantra.

“I’m delusional. I’m crazy. I can’t trust myself.”

But it’s not working as well anymore. Because someone else can hear the sound too.

“Is it okay that I make a humming noise?” You ask. “Of course,” the person says. You ask, “Is the noise too loud?” The person says, “I barely noticed it when we first met. Sometimes it’s louder and sometimes it’s quieter, but it never bothers me if that’s what you’re asking. In fact, I quite like your sound.”

The lock breaks off the memory box. You begin to recall all the times you’ve heard this sound before. Eventually, you realize you’ve heard this sound for as long as you can remember. You realize that hearing the sound never bothered you. It was only a problem when the people around you couldn’t hear it. You realize that you wish you could always listen to the pleasant humming sound.

What Does It Mean To Be Transgender?

It means I’m part of a category that comes with all sorts of attachments that may not apply to me. It means there are scientists out there trying to figure out how my brain works so they can explain how I could possibly exist. It means I’m a link in a long chain throughout human history of people who are different.

It means I have my own sound that not everybody can hear.

To shed all the metaphor and intellectualizing, being transgender means that I like looking and behaving in a way that doesn’t fit with how other people expect me to look and behave. In order for them to accept me, I have to abide by certain laws and definitions that I don’t care about. In some cases, I have to still wear certain clothing and pass certain medical evaluations in order to be considered a valid human. The difference is I feel happier and closer to my true self following this set of rules as opposed to the set of rules I followed for the majority of my life.

It's that simple.