At the Rainbow's End

My dad told me to wear my heart on my sleeve

So here I stand

Pride band below my fisted hand

Dancing in the can-can of picket lines, time

Slows as the rainbow river flows as surely as the Serpentine, London

Hubbub drowned by a triumphant anthem

Our hands held in solidarity

A fluorescent family

Between the banners and sequins and flashy platform boots

I was granted permission for authenticity

And I found me

Dissonant dots of colour now blend to form a hazy grey

The camera lens is smudged but the memory’s intact

We sing the Ave Maria the morning after

As is customary for a Sunday

Beneath the glare of the stained glass I long for the laughter

The colour of the previous day

Over prayers of intercession

I pray for the causes preached yesterday

I amplify the warm procession

Chanting for equal rights to be here to stay

May God grant the voiceless a megaphone

The oppressed – liberation

May She help us see that we’re never alone

Inspire us with unwavering aspiration

Lesbianism is the truest form of feminism

Until my demons catch up with me

Parables of internalised misogyny flood back

And the hazy grey turns to black

Smoke clouds billow from the barbecue

Surrounded by family I miss my multicoloured cousins

A concerto, unorchestrated, but harmonises impromptu

Small talk

Lungs clog with social appropriateness

Hush your pride so no one will notice

A thin shrill

Comes from the burning hot grill but

No one makes a fuss

I muffle an elegy for the young calf – who was he?

Off-the-cuff symphony but they can’t hear us

Words stuck in my throat

Gagged by conformity’s muzzle I choke

My identity conceals itself, gone in a puff of smoke

Red chequered cloth and a piece of steak

Where’s my peace of mind

Take a pen and draw the line between privacy and secrecy

I wish I could but can’t define

Besides I hide the unspoken signs

I tell myself to wear with pride but

In my itchy sleeveless floral dress I'm

Little Miss Understood

Food’s stuck in your teeth

Bisexual(invisibil)ity becomes evident to me

Watching a magic show for my own identity

If I eventually pull it out of the hat

Silent mouths as the cutlery clangs – that’s how I picture it to be

Another one for my collection of photography

Stuck in a bubblegum daydream

I know exactly how this goes

After a while we’ll start copying each other’s hairstyles

Guilty inspiration for my new clothes

Revising eyeliner and remembering to wear perfume

Okay, she likes Docs, I’ll wear them too

My body riddled with the thought of you

If not your touch

Overthinking what you were thinking when I thought I said too much

Sweet burnout like a sugar rush

Hello self-destruction

Bye sexual freedom

I put you on a pedestal like a saint

Pouring poison from your golden chalice

Perfect pretence

Down my desert-dry throat

I constructed you in my mind

Laid brick by brick

The bell sounded and I was called to prayer

Worshipping what?

Now I see I was wrong

I unravel the film and try to process the experiences

But the ink of fantasy runs onto reality

Like she ran to me

I believe

Picture perfect

Collage of mismatched memories pinned to my retina

Forget her

Act cool, play pretend

But I’ll blindly follow you

To the rainbow’s end.