A sense of Clarity

It's strange "coming out", especially when, at least to myself, I was never "in" per se. I've never really subscribed to the whole notion of coming out as I never felt that it was anyone else's business but my own, who or how I dated. Ultimately because deep down I always knew; I always knew that I held an attraction for both the opposite and same-sex, and everthing both inbetween and outside of, and I always knew (at least since I was around the age of 12) that I never felt comfortable as a girl, as a woman.

I used to hide it. Make bold claims of, what I thought at the time were, hyper-femininity. I would constantly lament about how I wanted bigger tits, or a bigger ass (even now, I'll admit is still something I wish I had) I wholely convinced myself that my lack of comfort, and confidence in my body laid in the fact that it just wasnt "Feminine" enough. Never did I stop to analyze just what makes something or someone "feminine". Or, for that matter, that the bodytype that I so loathed on myself, I found undeniably georgous on other women.

But in the back of my mind, was that whisper, the light tickle of a memory. The only time I allowed myself to be truely honest and vulnerable, albeit under the guise of humor and wishful thinking, but honest none the less.

I was in middle school, I would spend a lot of, if not all of, my free time hanging out with my bestfriend at the time. We got into anime together, obsessed over anime together, obsessed over yaoi and BL( boys love) together in his room. It was in this very room we bonded over what we thought was wishful thinking, the biggest of what if senarios. What if we were born in the wrong bodies, what if we were actually meant to be born boys instead? And privately, in my own head, I would imagine one step further, what if i was supposed to be, meant to be born a gay boy. Though now it would be more acurate to say pansexual.

These thoughts though, were fleeting. This was before the notion of being trans truly accepted in the mainstream, let alone as a black kid from a southern baptist family. And I wasnt strong enough yet, nor brave enough, to fully face thid reality. Besides, I was a hundred percent still atracted to men, and while I would fantasize what it would be like to be a boy, I still quite enjoyed having a vagina. I may have been struggling with feeling comfortable in the existance and size of my breast, but I never questioned having a vagina.

It was this very reason, that by time I reached highschool I let go of my curiosities, even more so after I became sexually active. How can I be trans if I had no problem with my vagina, or with using it? As the years passed I tried again and again, try different aesthetics and silhoettes; different ways to feel comfortable in this life, as a girl. And like clockwork I would wake up one day and feel wrong. False. Like everything I was, wasn't real and first I would go into a slump. I'd stop caring for my hair, my skin, my clothes. Hell there were times when it would get so bad I would stop showering, because whats the point in caring for something that isn't even real?

But i would always manage to dust it off, find a new aesthetic or interest. I'd slap that hoe on like a bandaid and push through, reinvent myself as it were. And like clock work, that feeling of falsness would push through again. I was back at square one. It was a never ending cycle, one that started to seep into other parts of my life, my work, my relationships, everything had a time limit, an expiration date before I found myself fighting that same feeling of falseness. Before I would decide that the best option was to run away and try to start over. Because eventually something would click, something would just fall into place and i could actually begin to build a life.

Well, it finally clicked. First with my work, 9-5 isnt a good look for me, then with my way of living. Learning to go against what society says is the key to a fullfilling life, and embracing a path that allows me to feel at peace with my surroundings. Finally, with my truth. In that I'm not a girl, not a female, not a woman. I am non-bianary, feminine, boyish, and submissive. I can't say here and now that I'm ready to transition or that I'll every medically transition, but I can say that I am ready to fully embrace myself as myself.

That for once I have a sense of clarity in what I want in my life, and where I want to go.