A Note on Nuance

Friends, I really need to stop scrolling Instagram. Nothing good ever comes of it. This time, I decided to look for a little validation of my aromantic identity. It's nice to have reminders here and there that I'm not the only person on the planet with this experience, okay? Anyway, I found this account where someone was posting about being aromantic, but still feeling romantic attraction. On the surface, that sounds like it isn't aromanticism, and I understand why it sounds that way. But the comments section was a cesspool. Go figure, they always are. As with anything in life, aromanticism is much more complicated below the surface, and this creator's 3-second video couldn't do that justice.

For those of you unaware, here is the definition of aromantic per Merriam-Webster: "having [little] or no romantic feeling toward others : experiencing [little] or no romantic desire or attraction. 1" Italics added for emphasis. There are a variety of aromantic identities that involve some degree of romantic attraction. However, the degree to which a person on the aromantic spectrum experiences romantic attraction is different enough from the average person's experience that they don't fit into the societal expectations and norms for relationships. This is why someone on the aromantic spectrum might choose to use the label, or any other sublabels that fall under the umbrella. It is not a desire to be special. It is not wanting to be Queer. Frankly, if we were just making something up to pretend to fit into the Queer community, it would be less of a headache to pretend to be gay. At least people know what that is, and if the general population could accept only one Queer identity, it would be homosexuality. My intention is not to discredit the experiences of homosexual humans. My intention is just to point out the ridiculousness of commenters who claim that aromantic people are just straight people who wish they were Queer. The same stands for when this argument is used against asexual people.

The reason for choosing to label one's sexuality and/or romantic orientation is to feel seen. It provides reassurance that there is a community out there with other people who feel the same way. Knowing that there are others fights against the feeling of brokenness. It fights against the feeling that there is something inherently wrong with you. But this something is not a disease. It is nothing diagnosable or curable. You just know that it's not normal. And so you start wishing you could change yourself, because normal is a much easier state of being. But you can't. So you hide instead, and pretend you're not different. Until one day, you finally come across two words that encapsulate everything you've ever felt, and a wave of relief washes over you. I am not defective. I am just asexual and aromantic.

So, to the commenters out there with opinions on topics they know nothing about, please take a second to do one of two things instead of posting them. The first option is to take a step back and ask a question out of genuine curiosity. If you do this, you'll be rewarded with a greater breadth of knowledge. How can someone be aromantic and still experience romantic attraction? There are a lot of different answers to this question, and a lot of aromantic people out there who would be happy to explain them to you. However, if you're not in the market for new knowledge, then your second option is to keep your mouth shut and keep scrolling. Remember in kindergarten when we were all taught, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" That's a foundational social skill. You'd be wise to remember it. I promise you, you will not convince anyone that they are wrong or actually just trying to be special. At worst, you will make them feel bad about themselves and wish they could fundamentally change who they are (they can't); and at best, they will laugh at you, and maybe read your comment publicly for others to ridicule as well, because they know how bizarre you sound. Either way, shame on you. Save yourself the embarrassment by keeping your mouth shut. Thanks.

Reference:

1. Aromantic definition & meaning [Internet]. Merriam-Webster; [cited 2025 Nov 30]. Available from: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/aromantic