A Love Letter to my Changing Body

Author's note: I am non-binary and transgender, and in October 2020 I begun medical transition using testosterone. This piece examines the self love this choice has encouraged. Originally written in response to a Reddit thread where a young trans man said he was feeling discouraged by how so much discussion of testosterone HRT is just jokes about how sweaty or greasy or pimply we become, and he asked to see some romanticisation of the feelings.

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I have adored watching my facial hair grow in. I love how soft it is and I love how it makes my face look. I love the way my partner loves my fuzz, I love how it feels when they touch my cheeks or rub my chin. It started as a slow darkening of the faint caterpillar-like moustache I had already been trying to grow, and it has now become dark, scraggly, and unmistakably a beard. It is still patchy, but it is coming, and it fills me to bursting with excitement.

I love how hair has finally grown back in on my legs, finally recovering from years of forced waxing, returning from patchy oblivion. It now feels soft, it keeps me warm, and I feel at home when I look down to see it. Wearing shorts or a skirt no longer feels like I'm hiding a secret - it feels like I finally am as I was always meant to be.

I adore the dark hair on my stomach. I wasn't sure that I would like it, but I love that it's there now. It's long and dark and thick and it's mine. I enjoy wearing shirts that show it off, I like running my fingers through it after a shower. It's soft and coarse all at once, it feels protective and loving.

I love how testosterone has allowed me to feel comfortable and at home in my body, how it has given me the confidence to simply be. I am thankful for how it is helping my mind and body both repair and heal from years of trauma and discomfort and shame.

I love how my voice feels in my throat, now deeper than it was. I can feel my vocal chords vibrating from my diaphragm up into my mouth and it finally sounds right. I can push it into gravel or pull it into a smooth deepness. It always sounds like me, now.

My hair texture is slowly changing to be more curly than it was, and I love that too. I've wanted my hair to curl for my whole life. I never realised how happy I could be, how much more myself I could feel.

I love how easy it is to gain muscle, I love feeling how physically strong I can be. I love being able to lift my partner, I love that I'm still able to lift my younger siblings for a hug when I see them. I have joint issues, but my growing muscles help keep my wobbly body together. I can hug tighter than I've ever hugged before.

I love how this is reshaping my body. It finally feels like I'm protected here. The slight difference in my silhouette, the sturdiness of my limbs. I am strong, I am soft, I am safe.

My body feels mine now. I feel like I've finally (mostly) been able to shake off the ever-looming terror of having my bodily autonomy taken away by those who care for appearances over my comfort. My body is my home and I will nourish it and care for it as it does the same for me. I can't get past how much more present I feel in my skin. I'm so excited every time I notice a new change, and I'm so thankful that I get to keep experiencing that feeling! I'm connected to myself in a way I never was before. I'm finally glad to be here in my skin. I'm finally in control. This is my home, and I finally get to live here.

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